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| Dr. Michael J. Bradley |
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Dear Reader, My heart just sank when I read this Forum message from one of our website members. So much so that I wanted to share my response even with those of you who are not yet using the Forums. Here's her message: "My daughter and I used to be so close. She had no problem snuggling up to me in bed in the morning and giggling and being silly. Ever since she turned about 13, that kind of activity really tailed off, and now she doesn't hardly want to hug me. She kind of holds herself apart from me and the rest of the family, and just acts like home is the last place in the world that she wants to be. I know it's part of growing up, but I do miss my little girl." Every time I hear these stories my eyes fill up and I want to run home and sniff my kids' heads. My son Ross even recognizes my approach and moans, "Here comes another 'senior' moment." We feel so sad when our kids hit this stage that we often quietly retreat to our old photo albums and have a good cry. Which is a good way to handle our grief, but we must do much more. Yes, this stage is part of growing up but one that is too critical to the child's development to get sucked into simply believing our kids' mantra that they really want to be left alone. The game has changed now, and it's time to get tough. Here this means handling our grief for our "lost" snuggly child on our own, apart from our kid without demanding that our teen make us feel better by hugging us. Now we must become that great salesperson who gets a hundred rejections and keeps going back. Keep offering the hugs, but acknowledge to your daughter that she has become a young woman, and that as such you will respect her space as she wishes. Tell her that you love her too much to impose your wish for a huggy relationship on her, but tell her you miss her and any time she can spare to hang out a bit with you would be welcome. Try new venues for getting together, like a coffee house. In other words respectfully ask --but don't beg or demand-- for some of her time. Here's why: Your daughter needs to pull back from you now as she works on defining her own identity. Parents are so powerful in children's lives that kids need some distance to see who they are apart from mom and dad. This is critical to their development. But at the same time they feel sad and scared if mom and dad just pull away entirely. So your job now is to show her a new kind of love and strength; the kind that cherishes her unconditionally even when she offers nothing in return. Show her that you can stand quite well on your own, but that you also miss your time with her. She will respect this as true strength on your part, something she will want to copy, and eventually, she will again see you as someone she will want to hang out with. In other words, the time has come to renegotiate your relationship with your child. And yes, this is a sad time, but it is also a joyous time. For as one chapter ends another wonderful one is unfolding. You just have to be strong enough to be open to it. Your little girl is becoming a young woman and is evolving into someone who will do astounding things: have a career, assume the role of a responsible adult in the world, perhaps have children herself. These are exciting, wondrous events in a person's life which you shaped more than anyone else. So be sad some, and be glad some. It's all part of the plan. Our thoughts are with you, mom. I hope to hear more from you and other parents in my Parenting Forums at join_a_forum.html I'll look for you there! |
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 Editor’s Note: To share your parenting issues, or to get Dr. Bradley's professional advice, please click here to visit Dr. Bradley’s Online Parenting Forum. |