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| Dr. Michael J. Bradley |
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First, please pardon my tardiness in writing. Like most teens, I have several excuses. First, I've finally wrapped up my next book Yes, Your Parents ARE Crazy! The Teen Survival Handbook. My publisher and I are really excited about the book, which should be available this September. It will include some hysterical Randy Glasbergen cartoons, and a forward by Clay Aiken (of American Idol fame). Clay turns out to be, as the kids say, "like, a real person." Aside from being an award-winning vocalist, he is also a Special-Ed teacher who has worked with challenged kids. From that experience he created his own foundation to address their needs. My second excuse is that I've been traveling again, speaking to parent groups around the country. In fact, I'm writing now at 40,000 feet coming back home to Philadelphia from California. Yet, in a way, I feel like I'm also leaving a "home" in California as well, just as I have in the countless other places I've spoken. It's a very strange experience doing these talks. I arrive as a stranger in a strange town, walk into a cold auditorium filled with strangers, and walk out blessed with more friends than I can count. These friends and I are all bound by an overriding passion and a powerful wish. The binding passion is our collective love for our often-struggling children. The unifying wish is to have our kids experience our love in a way that feels warm and protective, not angry and controlling. Pulling off that trick is no small feat. Perhaps the most frequent question I heard this week was about motivating unmotivated teens, those nice kids with great hearts who happily get "C's" when "A's" would only require 30 minutes more work each night. You know, those kids that make you want to scream because they just don't get it. Well, guess what? In case you missed the news articles, researchers have now found that adolescent brains are not wired to "get it." MRI studies show that while kids want rewards for hard work, the part of the brain that makes us work hard for the reward is only operating at a 50% capacity in adolescence. Like all the other brain deficiencies we've discussed, this one also straightens out on its own by young adulthood. This explains all those countless kids I tell about who resisted all our best efforts (bribes, threats, pleadings) to do better in high school, only to catch on fire in college and do great. The moral of this story? Do the best you can to motivate your unmotivated kid with offers of help, tutoring, rewards, and so on. But DO NOT go to war over grades. Remember that these brain wiring problems of adolescence all fix themselves in time. But the one teen thing that does not recover on its own is a heart damaged by bitter fights over grades. When we lose our loving connection with our teen because they feel our rejection, disappointment and disapproval, we lose a lifeline to their heart that keeps them safe and sane when the real insanity (sex, drugs, and violence) comes sniffing around them. I've not yet met parents who said they were glad that they used anger, rage and fear to try to motivate their kid to do better in school. I have met many who said they won the battle for the grades of their teen, and lost the war for the heart of their child. When playing the game of raising an adolescent, play for the final score--not for a single inning. Focus on what kind of adult you want your child to be in twenty years, and not on who you want your kid to be tonight. I’d love to hear about your challenges raising teens and share with you some more views on raising teens. I’ll look for you in my parenting forum. Be well, |
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 Editor’s Note: To share your parenting issues, or to get Dr. Bradley's professional advice, please click here to visit Dr. Bradley’s Online Parenting Forum. |