first step

[mrs.smith]

My 20 year old daughter is away at college. She does well in school and holds down a part-time job. Her long time boyfriend just contacted us to say he is concerned about her growing drug problem. According to him, her roommates are just as involved and all they want to do is get high (marijuana & 'shrooms'). He has now broken the relationship off with her due to her continued drug use.

I am unsure what the next step should be. I have no reason to believe he is making this up. This was all a shock to us as we never suspected anything.

Should I contact the school anonymously about what is going on in this on-campus apartment? Contact the drug & alcohol counselors at school? Confront her directly? (I'm sure she'll deny it.) Insist on a drug test? I am also concerned because she has a car at college and she may be driving under the influence of drugs. The policy is in our name and I worry about liability. Should we go pick up the car?

[mrs.smith]

I also want to add that she's lost about 25 lbs. since the spring. (She was a little overweight to begin with and told us she's been exercising and eating healthier.) She also does a great deal of complaining about finances. Now with this news of drug use, I believe she could be using coke or other drugs that promote weight loss. When I asked her boyfriend about this, he didn't think so but if she's getting a hard time from him about marijuana, and 'shrooms' why would she tell him about coke?

Thank you for any advice you can share on what to do. This is a difficult situation compounded by her being physically away at college.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
This is a very scary picture that is forming around your daughter, and you must act accordingly. The general rule of thumb is to start with the least intrusive measures and work your way up as you need.

Your first step might be to show up for an unannounced visit with a drug test in pocket. Tell your daughter straight up what her boyfriend told you, and ask if any of this is true. Use those mystical mother instincts to see if you can trust her response. If she denies any use and your gut tells you otherwise, ask her to pee in the cup to ease your neurotic worries. If she refuses, tell her that you must take that as a failed drug test, and so the car is coming home with you (same if she takes the test and fails). From there set up a contract where she agrees to get regular counseling (and you get to meet with the counselor to lay out your concerns to the shrink). Insist that random drug tests be part of your agreement until you get a period of passed tests.

If she "owns up" to use, set up a similar agreement. Tell her that non-compliance with these terms means that you will step-by-step have to withdraw your support for her until college is no longer possible. The toughest issue involves her roomies. If they are in fact partying like that then she must move out of that environment to have a chance to recover. It's about impossible to avoid that lifestyle when it looks as if that's all the world ever does.

In any event stress as much as possible that none of this is intended as punishment, but as life-saving. Say that these things she is doing can terribly alter or even end her life, and that you love her far too much to be "cool" with this, so much so that you'd rather see her lose college than risk losing her life.

Keep us posted.

[mrs.smith]

Thank you for your reply. I have since spoken with others who know both my daughter and her boyfriend and many believe he could be lying to get back at her. (She tells me she broke up with him because he is too controlling.) I spoke with him again and asked him further questions and I get the sense that there are a few ‘holes’ in his story. While I mentioned my daughter's weight loss, I neglected to say that I did see her eating healthier and jogging while home for the summer.

Of course, I hope to find out the boyfriend is a liar but don’t want to find out the hard way if he is not. I guess I better be safe and follow your advice to be sure. I’m just concerned about the trust issues you talk about in your book with drug testing your kid. By-the-way, my daughter is a psych major and wants to be a counselor.