Trying to raise my brother

[mimosa]

Hi,
Long story, short. My 16 year old brother has been living with my husband and I for almost a year. I am 13 years his senior. My brother has been staying weekends with my husband and I for the past 10 years. The reason he lives with us is our mother is addicted to Meth, my other brother is in jail and my Dad suffers from cronic back pain and sever depression (which can have him locked in his dark bedroom for days at a time). He also has a sever addiction to pain killers.

Even when my brother didn't live with us, we have been the ones to help with homework, enforce restrictions (which he always listened to even though we weren't physically there) and basically do the things most parents do. Before we lived together, we were all also very good friends.

Recently, he tells us that he has trouble taking discipline and direction from us because we are not his parents. Of course we tell him that we understand and respect that but we have certain rules. We recently had a conversation that we will not tolerate drugs and now he is talking about moving back with my Dad.

I am hurt, but more importantly scared out of my head! At my Dads, he can do whatever he wants. He can stay home from school, stay out all night, smoke pot in the garage, and simply neglect all responsiblity. I understand how this must be appealing to a 16 year old but how do we convince him that although not conveniental, here is the healthy place for him to be.

He's a great kid and I think he is truly thriving living with us (he is a much happier kid). Thanks for your advise.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Sister/Parent,
I'm afraid that you can't convince him that he should stay (which of course he should) but you might help him to convince himself. Start by acknowledging that this is completely his decision and that he must decide where to live. DO NOT offer to accept his doing drugs as a way of getting him to stay. That would be a deal with the devil. He needs you to hold firm to your values just as a good parent would. Then ask him for a "weather forecast" where he predicts what he thinks he will be doing in 3 months if he lives with Dad versus decides to stay with you. Ask him how he will be doing in terms of school, sleep, drug/alcohol use, mood, and so on. Suggest that he think that over before packing his bag.
If he goes, do not do that dumb "there's no coming back here" thing that we parents do so often. Because in leaving (and going crazy for a bit) he might learn hoe lucky he is to have a sister who loves him far too much to accept him doing things that can hurt him so terribly.
On that day your "prodigal brother" might return, so be sure that your door is open for him.
Good luck.

[mimosa]

Thank you for your response, Dr. Bradley.

I have read your book, Yes, Your Teen is Crazy and it has provided so much guidance. Whenever I feel like we are not going to make it through these next few years, I open your book and start reading until I feel better. It always work by reminding me that "this too, shall pass."

Just to update you, my brother did decide to stay with us at that time. However, he is currently dropping hints that he wants to move in with dad again. Long story short, he is angry with my husband and I because we were out of town for four days and wouldn't let him stay home alone. He felt that we didn't trust him and weren't treating him like an 'adult'.

My fear is that we are entering a cycle of him threatening to move out whenever he disagrees with us. We are trying to stay calm and dispassionate when we talk to him about these things. However, it is always an emotional rollercoaster and very tiring and trying. Any advice you can give us on how to stop this recurring trend would be fantastic.

Thanks again for all of your help.

[Mike Bradley]

The best you can do is to call attention to his manipulation by saying, "It would make us very sad if you choose to leave. But we love you far too much to change our minds about something that could hurt you. We hope that you stay but that is your decision."
Hang in there. He likely knows that your home is a much safer place for him.