christy
11-03-2007, 03:08 PM
The history: I had my 17 year old daughter when I was 15. I married her father and divorced him three years later.
She and I have been a pair all of these years, with me being very careful to be a friend when I could, but a parent when it was necessary. Her father would not see her from age 2 until age 9, when he finally came around. Since then he has been good with consistancy of visits, but nothing else.
I am not/have not been a perfect parent - I don't believe anyone can be, but I have always tried my best. Top priorities for me have been education and instilling basic decency. Historically, I have allowed no rated R movies, no swearing, no activities outside the house unless I know where, who, and how long. Homework comes first, chores come second, and social life comes if she gets those things done (her chores hve never been that involved - maybe one a day like scooping the cat litter or loading the dishwasher).
When she was small and got in trouble, she would sit in the time-out chair and SCREAM for her dad. This was during the years he was absent, so I figured it was normal for her to idealize that he might come and rescue her when she was being diciplined. When her dad started seeing her again, it was ok for the first year or so, but then I started to find things out, like him allowing her to watch whatever movies she wanted and allowing her to swear. Then as she got into her teenage years, I was hearing more and more from her about him calling her stupid and a slut. I asked him about it, and he said she was blowing it out of proportion. She did have a tendancy to do things like that, so I sort of believed him...and she still wanted to continue to go to his house every other weekend...so I figured it must not be as bad as she made it out to be.
Then when she was 16, she pulled the old "you say you're spending the night at my house and I'll say I'm spending the night at yours". The true plan was to stay out all night with her friend and a 20 year old boy she met on myspace. I caught her two hours into her plan, anad grounded her. Then I investigated her computer. She had been posting nearly naked pictures of herself on several sites on the internet (bra and thong). I just couldn't understand - I know bad parenting when I see it, and I have never been one. I did try spanking once or twice when she was smaller, and it only made us both feel embarassed and solved nothing, so I didn't do it anymore, but there were always consequences when she misbehaved...she has always been a better than average student, and a pretty good girl.
So I took away her computer and all devices capablel of taking a picture. I discussed what she had done - both the deception of going out to meet the boy and the pictures. I asked her why she would do that for all he world to see - what was bothering her -how she felt when she did that...all were "I don't know" answers. I also grounded her, and with constant violations of that grounding, she kept getting time added on to the original punishment, so by the time she started improving and getting some priveleges back, she had been grounded off and on (more so ON) for almost a year.
Now 17, she has been doing well, improving her grades, following rules, and earned all priveleges back. I still make her hand in her cell phone at 9:30 on weeknights, and she has to ask me before she is able to go online...I thought things were going well. But attitude - oh the attitude...As far as I am concerned, adults are NOT to be spoken to the way teenagers do these days. But she is allowed to talk to her father any way she wants. I've tried to explain that those are not the rules here, but I think she unintentionally slips back into it when we are arguing.
Which brings me to present day (sorry for the long-winded post, but I think all of the above is relevant to my current problem). A couple of weeks ago, we argued because she started talking to me the way she would talk to her father or one of her friends. Her limbs were flailing and she was out of control, so I grabbed her wrists and held them. She pulled one free, and tried to swing at me! So I grabbed her wrist again and slapped her in the face. Bad idea, wrong thing to do, I know...but I lost it, and she isn't 7 anymore refusing to eat her peas, she is 17 and taking a swing at me! I was raised in a military household, and if I had done that to one of my parents, I would have woken up about a week later.
She went crazy so I pinned her on the couch and she was screaming like a banshee and swinging like she wanted to hit me, so I wouldn't let her up until she promised to stop. (she refused to stop for a good 10 minutes. I think she only gave up because she was too tired to continue).
When I let her up, she went to her room and called her dad. It took some doing after his long absence, but for the last 5 years or so, we have been decent terms, and I thought we were on the same side, so I figured he might calm her down a bit...
A few moments later, the police rang the doorbell! They said they had a call from a girl saying her mother was abusing her. Nothing happened - the cop just said we need to walk away from each other when things become that heated, and he kind of told her not to call again unless she is being abused. He explained to her that in our state, it is perfectly legal for a parent to spank, that slapping in the face is sort of boarder-line, and then asked if she thinks she is abused and she said no. He left.
But I was SOO embarassed, and later, when discussing the incident with my daughter, she told me that her dad convinced her to make the call to the police.
So after all of this typing, I think I have two problems - #1 - I think her father systematically un-teaches everything good that I teach her, and #2 - I need to know what I am doing so wrong and how I should conduct myself from now until she is done with college. (she graduates high school this year, and I don't know how I will keep my sanity after she's 18 and I lose the little control I have over her) I don't understand this - a month ago, she wanted to stop going over to her dads every other weekend because he calls her names and all sorts of things, and I told her I will not force her to go there, but then when she's mad at me, she calls him and they both conspire to call the police on me. HE KNOWS I DONT BEAT MY DAUGHTER. So why would he talk her into calling the police! And why is she acting this way? the pictures, the behavior...are there lines I'm failing to read between??
She and I have been a pair all of these years, with me being very careful to be a friend when I could, but a parent when it was necessary. Her father would not see her from age 2 until age 9, when he finally came around. Since then he has been good with consistancy of visits, but nothing else.
I am not/have not been a perfect parent - I don't believe anyone can be, but I have always tried my best. Top priorities for me have been education and instilling basic decency. Historically, I have allowed no rated R movies, no swearing, no activities outside the house unless I know where, who, and how long. Homework comes first, chores come second, and social life comes if she gets those things done (her chores hve never been that involved - maybe one a day like scooping the cat litter or loading the dishwasher).
When she was small and got in trouble, she would sit in the time-out chair and SCREAM for her dad. This was during the years he was absent, so I figured it was normal for her to idealize that he might come and rescue her when she was being diciplined. When her dad started seeing her again, it was ok for the first year or so, but then I started to find things out, like him allowing her to watch whatever movies she wanted and allowing her to swear. Then as she got into her teenage years, I was hearing more and more from her about him calling her stupid and a slut. I asked him about it, and he said she was blowing it out of proportion. She did have a tendancy to do things like that, so I sort of believed him...and she still wanted to continue to go to his house every other weekend...so I figured it must not be as bad as she made it out to be.
Then when she was 16, she pulled the old "you say you're spending the night at my house and I'll say I'm spending the night at yours". The true plan was to stay out all night with her friend and a 20 year old boy she met on myspace. I caught her two hours into her plan, anad grounded her. Then I investigated her computer. She had been posting nearly naked pictures of herself on several sites on the internet (bra and thong). I just couldn't understand - I know bad parenting when I see it, and I have never been one. I did try spanking once or twice when she was smaller, and it only made us both feel embarassed and solved nothing, so I didn't do it anymore, but there were always consequences when she misbehaved...she has always been a better than average student, and a pretty good girl.
So I took away her computer and all devices capablel of taking a picture. I discussed what she had done - both the deception of going out to meet the boy and the pictures. I asked her why she would do that for all he world to see - what was bothering her -how she felt when she did that...all were "I don't know" answers. I also grounded her, and with constant violations of that grounding, she kept getting time added on to the original punishment, so by the time she started improving and getting some priveleges back, she had been grounded off and on (more so ON) for almost a year.
Now 17, she has been doing well, improving her grades, following rules, and earned all priveleges back. I still make her hand in her cell phone at 9:30 on weeknights, and she has to ask me before she is able to go online...I thought things were going well. But attitude - oh the attitude...As far as I am concerned, adults are NOT to be spoken to the way teenagers do these days. But she is allowed to talk to her father any way she wants. I've tried to explain that those are not the rules here, but I think she unintentionally slips back into it when we are arguing.
Which brings me to present day (sorry for the long-winded post, but I think all of the above is relevant to my current problem). A couple of weeks ago, we argued because she started talking to me the way she would talk to her father or one of her friends. Her limbs were flailing and she was out of control, so I grabbed her wrists and held them. She pulled one free, and tried to swing at me! So I grabbed her wrist again and slapped her in the face. Bad idea, wrong thing to do, I know...but I lost it, and she isn't 7 anymore refusing to eat her peas, she is 17 and taking a swing at me! I was raised in a military household, and if I had done that to one of my parents, I would have woken up about a week later.
She went crazy so I pinned her on the couch and she was screaming like a banshee and swinging like she wanted to hit me, so I wouldn't let her up until she promised to stop. (she refused to stop for a good 10 minutes. I think she only gave up because she was too tired to continue).
When I let her up, she went to her room and called her dad. It took some doing after his long absence, but for the last 5 years or so, we have been decent terms, and I thought we were on the same side, so I figured he might calm her down a bit...
A few moments later, the police rang the doorbell! They said they had a call from a girl saying her mother was abusing her. Nothing happened - the cop just said we need to walk away from each other when things become that heated, and he kind of told her not to call again unless she is being abused. He explained to her that in our state, it is perfectly legal for a parent to spank, that slapping in the face is sort of boarder-line, and then asked if she thinks she is abused and she said no. He left.
But I was SOO embarassed, and later, when discussing the incident with my daughter, she told me that her dad convinced her to make the call to the police.
So after all of this typing, I think I have two problems - #1 - I think her father systematically un-teaches everything good that I teach her, and #2 - I need to know what I am doing so wrong and how I should conduct myself from now until she is done with college. (she graduates high school this year, and I don't know how I will keep my sanity after she's 18 and I lose the little control I have over her) I don't understand this - a month ago, she wanted to stop going over to her dads every other weekend because he calls her names and all sorts of things, and I told her I will not force her to go there, but then when she's mad at me, she calls him and they both conspire to call the police on me. HE KNOWS I DONT BEAT MY DAUGHTER. So why would he talk her into calling the police! And why is she acting this way? the pictures, the behavior...are there lines I'm failing to read between??