just walk away?

[ovr40mom]

Teen son was required to be assessed and started treatment program due to weed use. During assessment he had major self awareness that alcohol was big problem. He has thrown himself into outpatient intense treatment, according to school is a changed person and has voluntarily stopped hanging with friends with whom used. Days when he has treatment are sometimes 15 hours long with school and group. I understand the stress he is under. He is alternating between actual communication and verbally raging at me and I am hypersensitive adjusting to information about his addiction, concern about him and major mom guilt about not knowing earlier, our part etc. I do have control issues and it deeply bothers me to have him direct language at me that I would never imagine, particularly in front of a friend of his. My husband can just walk away before things escalate. I am having trouble doing so and end up either reduced to tears, trying to resolve things (unsuccessfully) or snapping back. I keep reading chapter on rage. Help.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Ask yourself what is the "payoff", the thing you are seeking from your son when you stay and try to reason with a raging adolescent. Think long and hard to find that answer, since it's likely connected to your own childhood somehow (i.e. getting approval, feeling connected, being loved, controlling others for safety, and so on). Then when you finally see that payoff, STOP ASKING A CRAZY TEEN TO FULFILL THAT NEED. Remember that he can barely keep himself afloat let alone help you with your needs. Invisibly write your need across your son's forehead with a big red line through it so you realize (prior to each interaction) that he will not take care of that for you, and likely will make that need even more painful without even realizing that he's doing this.
Please let us know how you make out with this. We parents all try to get our kids to "take care of us" in these ways that often blow up our relationships until we finally figure it out.