14 yo girl, inappropriate internet use

[worried_mom]

Hello,

A couple days ago I found some pictures on our computer of my 14 yo daughter naked (with her face blocked) and of a males privates. I am assuming she was exchanging these pictures with someone on the internet. I deleted both sets of pictures. I told her calmly that it was inappropriate and that she shouldn't be portraying herself in that way. I told her that I couldn't always watch her, so she needed to make good choices. She asked me never to discuss it again and I replied that I wouldn't as long as she didn't do it again.

Since then I have logged into her email and found several private messages from two different "users" from a "message board hosting site". I wasn't able to read the emails sent to her because I needed her user name and logon. However, I was able to learn enough that her username for this site is [editor deleted for privacy reasons] and she posted some brief messages talking about sex. I also found in her profile that she says she's 17.

I don't know what to do next. My first thought was to have her either delete her account from this hosting site or give me her username/password. If she was unwilling to do either of those, I would remove her internet access. I haven't mentioned the extra information I learned to her yet.

Any suggestions on next steps would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Worried Mom

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
The drill here is to first find out what this is about, and then try to alter it. Just banning her from the Net will drive her inappropriate behaviors underground where you may never see them.
Call a truce and ask her out to the coffee shop to chat about this. Tell her that you are at least as uncomfortable on this subject but that her continuing behaviors suggest that this stuff is very important to her. Ask what the "payoff" is, and then see if you can get a talk going about how females are portrayed in this culture as being the sexual property of men. Try and get at her beliefs to get her to think about this one issue in a way that might help her to deal with the one hundred sexual situations you will never hear about.
If she refuses the talk, then gently tell her that you will then have no options but to shut down the Internet since this behavior could hurt her terribly.
Be patient. Understand that she is likely just reacting to a culture that is telling her that this behavior is what cool adult females do regardless of the fact that most women are not "wired" to behave this way. Respectfully connecting to her thoughts and beliefs is your best defense against her toxic culture.
Let us know how you make out.

[BeaverMom]

I know this opinion is not always popular with the good Doctor; but I found monitoring software to be a God send. I installed spy software on my daughter's computer and it allowed me to see exactly what she was doing with no guessing games etc. I used software called Spector Pro and it lets me log into her email, see what web sites she goes to etc.

I think as a parent you have a duty to monitor the Internet, seeing that it is a place where unknown people, including adults, can easily mingle with children.