Suicidal Teen?

[wcasey]

I am writing to you because I am at my wits end with my daughter.

She will be 16 in a few months, is a very attractive intelligent girl (has been on the honour roll at school every year) and:
- has bulimia,
- smokes
- drinks
- I hear from her peers that she is heavily into drugs, (she denies this, but unfortunately I know she is very good at lying so I am not sure what to believe)
- is currently living with my mother because she refuses to live at home (she says she hates her stepfather)
- talks about suicide and how she doesn't care anymore
- has a really foul mouth these days

Although our family is not perfect, I thought we were providing a good home. She does not lack for much and we try to show her we love her and to do things for her. I divorced her natural father when she was 2 and have been with a wonderful man since then. This is a second marriage for both of us, and we also have an eight year old daughter together. My husband is a very generous kind man, but he is also an alcoholic, and has a very strict side to his personality. My daughter has gone head to head with my husband several times. I will admit he can be overbearing and intimidating, but if he feels he was out of line, he will also turn around and apologize and do whatever he can to make up for any hurtful things he may say.

I know the alcoholism may raise a red flag, and he is trying to stop his drinking, but I cannot stress enough how good a man he is otherwise. He genuinely cares about people, and is the sort of person people tell their problems to. He loves my daughter, and has always been there for her, but when they fight they are both terrible to each other. My daughter says he yells at her all the time and she just can't take it anymore.

I forced her to go to counselling, but she only had 3 sessions and refuses to go any longer. The last session my daughter and husband went together, and the counsellor took his side against my daughter, thereby completely alienating my daughter.

I read your book, and although it helped me get through at least a year of adolescence, I no longer know what to do with her. My mother is leaving for several months now, so my girl either has to move home or ????. I know my daughter is desperately unhappy but I can't seem to get through to her, and I am worried she may find a way to make her suicidal talk come true.

I don't know where else to turn.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Take your daughter out for a coffee. Ask if you can call a truce in order to talk over a few things.
First, please tell your daughter that if, in fact, that counselor took sides against her, then that counselor is a dope. And tell her that she can quote me on that. Tell her that I said that any competent counselor knows that taking sides is NOT counseling. That not only does no good, it can do a lot of bad. Tell her that, speaking as a shrink, I apologize to her on behalf of my profession. Unfortunately we do have some jerks in our line of work.
Next, let her know that you guys are all facing a big problem since Grandmom is leaving. Tell her that the only good option is to find a good shrink who can help you all live together. Tell her I said shrinks are a lot like shoes. You've got to try a few until you find one that fits. Ask her if you can hire her to interview a few shrinks until she finds one that she likes. Pay her an hourly salary to do this. She needs to feel that she has some power and control in this process, particularly if the first counselor blew it.
Finally, let her know that you believe that your very lives are at stake here. The fact is that she may be at great risk. I tell you that not to scare you further (as if you could be frightened any more) but to help you see how critical it is to get your family into treatment NOW, regardless of the effort it takes.
Please ask her to write me here. Tell her that my next book (due out 9/04) is titled YES, YOUR PARENTS ARE CRAZY! She might like that title. Maybe I can help persuade her to try the shrink route one more time.
Don't forget the most important thing of all: tell her that you love her very much, and will do whatever it takes to help.
Good luck, and keep us all posted. I'm sure many parents will be anxious to hear how you make out.