Did I do the right thing?

[karenmeg]

I am a single mom, have 17yr old daughter still in highschool, she has gone thru a rough time lately with losing her best friend to boarding school in another state, has no other close friends, started smoking pot. "it makes her feel happy and lets her forget her troubles". I found out, told her I would not have a druggie living in my house and gave her the choice to stop or move out. I told her I loved her, always would no matter what, but had set a standard in my life and pot was not part of that standard. I am being really strong as far as she is concerned, not bending, but am wondering if I have done the right thing. She gets really angry with me when I tell her 'I am sorry you have made the choice you have made, I really don't want you to move out but it is your choice.' I think she doesn't like the responsibility for her choice. Anyhow, is this the right thing? She wants to continue to 'explore' how pot makes her feel and wants me to let her do it. Am I wrong?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Karenmeg,
DON"T MOVE ONE INCH OFF YOUR PATH! Keep to your position lovingly and calmly, but firmly. Your daughter has told you exactly why she should NOT be smoking weed: she's medicating herself. Weed is a lousy medication for stress and depression since you need more and more of it to get the same initial effect. And that effect is to simply numb out the pain for awhile. That drug fixes nothing. It also is highly addictive to younger brains (see the book). But rather than threaten her with simply throwing her out, switch to saying that if she can't stop using, she needs help, and you cannot sit idly by and allow her to get addicted. Instead, suggest that she must agree to see a shrink to get a better type of treatment for her pain. If she refuses, let her know that the bottom line is that in order to save her live you can not support her drug use by giving her a nice place to live while she self-destructs (AKA throwing her out). Get the message to her that this is one battle you can't quit on, because you love her.
Keep us posted.

[MLL]

So glad to hear someone taking a stand, then wondering if you are standing out alone somewhere !! Issues with our 14 yr old son have moved me from the "anger/rage" thread to the "drug" thread. ( I swear he'll be through everyting by 16 )

Due to the rages/ dishonesty on computer usage etc. we have gotten VERY serious about groundings. His grades have also been suffering, so with the help of a very sympathic guidance councelor ( all his teachers love him. very charming, does NO homework) I am now getting a report faxed to my office every other friday afternoon. If the word "missing" is on it, there will be no social activities from Friday afternoon throught to, and including Sunday night. ( Please note the wording !!!! This is the kind of thing I'm learning to do, He'll make a great lawyer someday) We've told him he can have all D's and go out, but it is his responsibility to turn all his work in. It seems to be working. But we let him go to a party with a friend of his last friday. They weren't allowed to leave until my husband spoke to a parent to be sure there was adult supervision. The party was walking distance. They knew that if they got home after 10pm I would drive his friend home rather than letting him stay over. At 9:30 I got a call from my son, asking to stay later than the curfew. Problem was he was clearly drunk or high. I'm just glad he is young enough to not realize how obvious it was. I calmly told him to wait right there, Dad would be there to pick him up right away. He tried to convince me that he was fine. But I kept saying quietly, Dad's already on his way. After he hung up I called the house right back and asked to speak with one of the parents. I explained ( in a very non judgemental way) that my son was in pretty bad shape, and please don't let him leave with anyone, that my husband was already on the way. The dad was concerned and said he would look around the party to see what was up. As it turns out, even my husband didn't think anyone else there seemed in the same shape our son was. After bringing him home, we realized there was no smell of booze or pot. And he was getting more and more out of control. I called the house back and got the mom on the line and explained I didn't care a hoot about who had what, just that my son was in danger and if anyone knew what he had taken please let me know. I heard her ask the kids, and no one claimed to know anything. We ended up calling 911 and had him taken to the hospital. He told the Dr there that he'd taken 5 10mg valium, and Zanax (?). He is home and safe now. His Dr's and both my husband and I don't believe it was a suicide attempt, though he has had depressive episodes, and last year was cutting. ( Sounds like a bad made-for-TV movie) Since that night, I have spoken with a number of parents, some of kids that were there that night, and also one of the kids. My goal ( here's where I'd like some feedback) is to 1) make very clear in our town (a small one) that in our house drugs / drinking / smoking are not allowed. And 2) that we as parents are quite willing to talk to any and all about our rules. I have made it clear to my son that I do not dislike any of his friends, nor will I critize any of their parents ( I'm not that sure of myself these days :) Those friends that I feel present the opportunity for him to use MAJOR bad judgement are allowed to come to my house and sit and watch videos ( with us ) take walks (with us) go the the movies ( with us) ..... I am certain that no one held my son's nose till his mouth opened that night and then pored the pills in !! I like the kids, I don't trust my son's judgment and behavior, but I have always liked the kids he's friends with , they tend to be a very off beat, but creative bunch. I have also had frank conversations with my son that I'm not stupid, he is out of my sight most of his day, and he is at the helm but when ever I find out that he's broken our house rules, there will be a price to pay. Basically life will suck. I also now have some interesting feelings about making sure there is parental supervision. I really can't fault the parents that night, I can't imagine supervision that would catch someone slipping a few pills in a handshake. I just hope that enough of the parents in my town can bring some of these issues out in the open, and share with each other with out feeling defensive. One nice note, is that I saw a side of my husband that night that I didn't reaize existed. I've always been the one who handled the tough situations. My husband was incredible, Our son was actually spitting on him, knocked his glasses off, and my husband kept quietly saying "I love you, please don't hurt me, we are going to help" I have to say some of that was his heart speaking and some of it was what he learned from your book. How do you thanks someone for that. ( Well I may give it to everyone as Hannukah presents this year .) Thanks so much !!!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Wow! Your husband goes on my Parenting Medal of Honor list. I wish I could promise that I could have remained that controlled in that situation.
And since we're nominating heroes, you go on the list too: For trusting your instincts, monitoring your kid's life, and calmly letting your son know that there are fences (limits) for his behavior. And most of all, for letting the other parents know that this sort of thing can happen in all of our homes.
If I may offer one small criticism, it would be to change the structure of your disciplining with him. Instead of using "punishments" like grounding, try reversing the table. Use "consequences" by letting him "earn" time out of the house (and money?) by getting good reports from school. Negotiate with him on what a fair formula would be. This way he agrees to a contract. If he keeps it, that's a win. If he screws it up, that's a win too. Because then he will be confronted with his own failure to do something he agreed to do. This is how real growth occurs.
Punishments don't work. A punishment system means that if you hurt me, I hurt you back. That only makes you want to hurt me again. Consequences take the anger and control aspects out of discipline so that our kids are forced to see their own behavior instead of our power and control. The book explains this in more detail.
Keep up the great work and please keep us posted on how things progress.
Mike Bradley

[MLL]

Thank you for the pointers, boy does that feel right. We were getting further and further down the punishment cycle. I guess a good way to know, is when you try and think of things you can give them, just so you can take them away later ( just kidding......sort of :) Last night I tried letting him know when his friend stopped by, and he wanted to walk outside with him, when he left ( because I nicely said "it was a school night", no arguing) my son knew it made me nervous, but I smiled and let him go, and in a few minutes he was back, and seemed fine. We also were planning to replace the tv that broke in the room my sons share ( it was older than our marriage, so it was due.) But rather than just going out and get it. We are asking them to have 4 - 5 days of early to bed, reading, up and out the door with no yelling. Trying to include our 12 yr old son also. When the older one started testing and pushing , I looked at him and said " You know we really are trying to give you chances to gain back our trust".
That seemed to help, but I'll probably have to remind him a few more times. But it really felt better to say it, and try and add a positive spin. Thanks for the help. My husband sends his thanks too, the boys probably will also but in about 10 yrs :)