school

[threeteens]

My 17 yo son is basically a really good kid. He doesn't drink, smoke, drugs, and he is compassionate and kind. He also thinks life is about being happy and doing school work does not make him happy. He spends hours daily playing music (it is music, he likes the old stuff) on his guitar, talking to friends online, attending sporting events and being social. He is a jr in HS and takes challenging courses but will be lucky if he gets all Cs. It kills me to see him wasting his potential, (he will not make it as a musician). His dad is a physician and works really hard, he does not want that life although he likes all the benefits ie guitars, vacations, etc. He says he does not have to go to the best college or have a high powered career to be happy. He says he wants to be a teacher which is great but I think that is more reason to be a good student! Since reading your book cover to cover I have stayed calm when he goes out after school or plays guitar and does not do homework, but report cards are out soon and I feel there should be some consequences for not working up to his ability. I realize my concerns may sound silly to those with more life threatening issues but he has not been an easy kid to parent. He is very argumentative, oppositional, stubborn, and will perservere until I become a raving lunatic. I have calmed down and given him more freedom since reading the book but am concerned that he is hurting his chances to go to a college that will offer him more opportunities in his future.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Make a cup of tea, sit down and read ALL of the letters you see in this forum. I suspect that when you are finished, you will hug your son to pieces when he gets home today, and tell him that you are SO LUCKY to have a wonderful young man like him for your son. Tell him he makes you crazy with his C work at school, but that you love and respect him so much for being who he is. Apologize to him for having been so critical of his grades.
Why?
Because you describe a young man with a wonderful heart, and that is the most important thing to focus on in adolescence. The grades are important, but not so important that you should risk losing your connection with him over silly school fights. There are safety nets for lousy academic skills. That's why God created community college. Many kids, particularly boys, boot high school, go to community college, learn how to study, and then go on to whatever career they chose.
There is no safety net, no community college for a bad heart in a teen.
If you want, try a rewards system to see if he'll work harder to earn stuff. And keep giving him DISPASSIONATE messages that you worry that his lack of effort may make things harder for him later on. BUT DO NOT GO TO WAR OVER GRADES. Many of us do that with our kids, and then we learn the hard way what is truly important in parenting: keeping our loving bond with our child alive and well.
Now go and enjoy your wonderful son while he is still in your home. These are precious days to hold. Don't let grades take them away.
Be well,
Mike Bradley

[threeteens]

Dr. Bradley,
I know. I did feel lucky after reading your book and the posts here. It is just hard not knowing if you are doing the right thing! There are many techniques you advocate that I believed were absolutely wrong ie negotiating and bribing. I have reconsidered. I wanted to tell you how much I love your book! I bought a copy for our districts middle school where we have our share of drug and alcohol problems and our local library is ordering a copy at the request of one of our school administrators. I won't share my copy as it is my parenting Bible! It is the most helpful book I have read since the pregnancy books! Thank you for your book and this site.
Threeteens

[threeteens]

Doc,
I am confused about the difference between a reward and a consequence. When my son turned 17 we bought a 3rd car for his use. He can drive to school if he takes his brothers as well. He also drives himself to his sports practices and other school activities. He is also very generous in helping transport other kids home after school, to movies, etc. Because we were concerned for his safety on the road we added a cell phone. The cell phone has become his primary means of communication with his friends. They phone and text message. I do not really know how much because I don’t hear it ring but I know its often. I am also concerned that he is using it while driving. I just received his midterm progress report (junior year in HS, crucial to college admission) and he is doing poorly, C’s, C-s, D, and he is capable of A’s. He says he can handle it but he’s not. As you may recall he also has the 14 yo girl friend. Getting to my question…. He was given use of the car and the phone with the expectation that he could be trusted to handle the freedom and responsibility and still live up to expectations for his JOB of being a student. Shouldn’t the natural consequence be removal of use of phone and or car except for exceptional circumstances? When a kid already has everything what is left to reward him with? Yes, we made that mistake. I asked him what it would take to get him to apply himself at school, money? More freedom? At first he liked the idea, then he said he just wants the freedom with no expectations. If not, he’ll just carry on as he has. He’s content. HELP!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Three,
Start with a meeting to say that you need to re-negotiate a few things, and that this could work out to his advantage. Let him know that you worry that the car may be too much of a distraction. Agree to disagree on this point, and proceed to negotiate. Tell him that for weekly school reports indicating that he is doing "B" work (your counselor can set up these reports), he earns the use of the car for the following week. Then ask him to lump in what he wants out of the deal in addition to getting the car. He could earn credits that he can turn in for cash or to be used to earn a new killer stereo system, a ski trip, or whatever he chooses. Bias the system so that for "A" work he gets even more bonuses.
This illustrates the difference between punishment and consequence. The punishment of taking his car will only make him angry and resentful, and feel as if you only want to hurt him. Striking a deal with him (out of love and concern) where he might lose use of the car for a week sets up a consequence where HE might let HIMSELF down. The primary goal of consequences is to have a kid mad at himself, not at his parents. This preserves that critical parent/child connection.
I can guess that your son will be reluctant to do any of this since he treasures his autonomy so much. But be firm and loving in saying that you guys need a new deal to ensure that he keeps his beloved freedom not just for this year, but for the rest of his life. Remind him that academic excellence one great way to get that freedom for life.
Good luck.

[kelli99]

Dr. Bradley - I have been reading your forum, and I wish I had found this a long time ago. I have a son that is exactly like the other poster's. He is trustworthy, not into drugs and alcohol, works part time, and has a girlfriend that is still in High School who carries a 3.6 GPA.

My son has always for the most part been a slaker at school. He has the capacity of earning "A"s when he wants to......but most of the time, is content with just getting by. He was always into private schools, except for high school. He did remarkable well his first two years. Then the following 2 years - he was on a downward spiral.

Our son is our only child - and I don't know if this is part of the problem. He has been rewarded nicely throughout the years when he did perform, and we have been given all the promises in the world that he would do better when things have been bad.

He wanted to start college off at a four year university - but didn't want to leave the girlfriend. So, I thought it would be in his best interest if he would take classes at the community college - to get his feet wet with his first year. He was and has been perfectly fine with this arrangement. We told him that know that he was 18, that there were no more excuses about grades......and if worse came to worse with a bad report card - that certain things in his life would change dramatically.

Today I got his online grades from the fall 2004 semester - and the four classes he was taking - he got 2- "F"'s and 2- "D"'s. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I really thought he was going to his classes and making a concerted effort in his life for the better. The thing that is so disturbing is that he has no conscious whatsoever by lying to us and telling us he is doing well. If I wouldn't have logged on this morning - I would still be believing in him and his supposed changes.

He is extremely close to his father - and doesn't seem like he wants to disappoint us, yet.......he continues with this self-destructive behavior. We have battled this problem on and off since grammer school, and even had him tested to see if he had some sort of learning disability. He was diagnosed as being perfectly normal - and on some of his report cards he would bring home in the past - the grades were all over the board. From "A"s to "F"s. I know he is extremely lazy.....and all he wants to do is to come home and chat on AOL or to be with his girlfriend.

We have given him a brand new truck at the age of 16 - and thought that would help him grow up. But even if he knows the truck is on the grounded list - it doesn't seem to phase him. We had made a deal with him that all he needed to do was to do well in college with passing grades - and we would continue supplying him with a roof over his head and food to eat. He even has a job that is available to him when it is convenient - so if he had to study for a test, he didn't have to go in.

Now that he is 19 - I am so lost. I just enrolled him last month for the Spring Semester - and feel that this is going to prove to be another not so wise decision on my part. My husband wants him to forget college at the moment - and to enlist in the armed forces. My heart is sinking, as I thought he would never say that. I know he needs to grow up, but I don't know what to say anymore to make him see the mistakes he is about to make.

If you have any advice for me - as I feel I am losing him by the second. Thanks for your time.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
As an ex-Army officer I would like to tell your husband that the military would solve this problem, but it likely would not, and it could make things much worse. Civilians are usually horrified or disbelieving about the incredible amount of drug and alcohol abuse that goes on in the armed forces. Many of us "learned" how to do drugs and alcohol there, and not much else. So dispatching an immature, unmotivated kid into boot camp might not be such a good idea. Plus I've heard that there's another shooting war going on.

But your husband's overall concept I think is good, which is to try and get your son to appreciate higher education as a great gift to be cherished instead of a 13th grade to slack through. The trick is how best to do that.
Please read the exchange of letters I had with "threeteens" on this subject. There you will see the tricks we use in trying to ease kids into that transition, many of which you may have already tried. If so, then put the dilemma into your son's hands to solve. Negotiate a deal with him where he will earn this coming semester's tuition with a minimum GPA. The deal is that if he makes that mark, he'll have earned his next semester's fees. If he fails, then he'll owe you that tuition amount (or at least half) from the money he makes at the job he'll be required to get (and keep) in order to pay board to live at your house.

Do not get too invested in keeping this kid in college for now. Smelling like hamburgers for a year can be a wonderfully therapeutic experience, teaching a lot about the relevance of higher education, and of what a gift it truly is.

But throughout this time, please also keep a proper perspective about what's important. If your son's heart is good, if he's kind and compassionate, do not get overly put off by his grades deception. He's still very young in the grow-up game, and he'll likely mature out of his current slacker state. Keep your connection to his heart strong. If you read through some of the scarier stories on these pages, he might not look so worrisome to you. Being trustworthy and drug free at 18 ain't a bad batting average. Give him a hug, tell him that you love him, and that his school effort makes you crazy.
Good luck.

[kelli99]

Dr. Bradley - it is comforting in a very sad way, that I am not alone with a teen that won't conform. Thank-you for taking the time to answer me.......as I have been at a lost.

I was reading one of your threads "Rewards for Grades" - and you answered back with this sentence -

<<<The idea is to always be in the position of providing a reward (which brings a smile) versus doing a take away (which brings anger and resentment). >>>

Well, unfortunately due to my son getting so much from us - that I am at the state of taking things away. We have tried numerous times to give him the motivation to strive to be better. His number one interest is vintage racing. My husband has a race car, and since my son turned 15 - he has actively become the main driver of the car. We started him in Go-Kart Racing when he was 7 years old - and he graduated up to the actual car. He has missed so many events due to the fact he wasn't producing. And I can clearly see that it is still going on. Even though, he would give anything to drive all the time - it still doesn't seem to be enough motivating factor there to get him to where he needs to be.

I wanted to tell you how he is "all-over the board" with his grades. This kid has been on the Honor Roll numerous times the first two years of high school - and was also inducted into the Who's Who of High School Students (an honor that is very hard to come by). This happened during his sophmore year. Then the decline came......and it has been so unbelievable with his performance that his grades look like an EKG chart - high and then low......and this continues.

I know how much he must resent me, as he tells me so because I have gotten so upset by his lack of respect he is showing not only us his parents, but his teachers, etc. and most of all himself. My husband has told him that his #1 job was to get his education - and that was it. No other pressure. He works - but it wasn't demanded.

I tried talking to him last night, and still got the "check-out" on life. And he is angry at me and his father right at the moment, as we have taken his truck away. I do try to negotiate deals with him all the time, but nothing is followed through.

I am so tired of coming home and seeing him on line chatting - and watching mindless t.v. shows. His youth and his life are at a complete standstill at this point. We asked him what his plan of action is - as the Spring Semester starts this next week. I told him I want him to pay for the tuition this time, because of his poor performance - and I would reimburse him back if he had decent passing grades. I also asked him if he would just get a full time job, and forget school at the moment. He cannot give me an answer.

He did tell me though, that he was never going to class (like I couldn't tell). So I asked him where he would go every single morning - and he would go and sit in his car in the parking lot of the college and listen to the radio.

I know you can only advise me what would be the best in this circumstance - but it seems that everything I try - I get another road block. My husband asked him why he doesn't like school - and all he can say is "I don't know". The same sentence we have heard now for a couple of years.

Another incident of his self-destructive behavior is one that involves another passtime of his - which is golf. He is an excellent player (scratch player) - and has been playing since he was 3 years old. I had high aspirations for him while in high school, as I thought joining the varsity team might take him somewhere (with a scholarship) or something. Everytime it came to try-outs (he would just go - never practice). Didn't think he needed to. Well, he found out that of course that wasn't the correct way of doing things. Every single year, he had one excuse after another on why he didn't want to play. The last year of high school, I asked him if he was trying out - and he said he didn't know when try-outs were. So I told him to go and ask - and he found out he was too late. He doesn't communicate or take an active stance with anything!

Do you think counseling would help him (however he says he won't go). I don't know where to turn. Thanks again for your advise.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Absolutely pursue therapy for this kid. I would make it a condition of your continued support. Couch it in terms of saying that the family (not just him) needs help with this situation, that you are sure that you are doing things that make things worse for him. Give him the choice of therapists, but require that he be seeing someone, with or without the family. Read Chapter 16 of YES, YOUR TEEN IS CRAZY! concerning how to get help.

[kelli99]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me. I am getting the book today. I appreciate your support and advise so much.