Please help!

[MAH]

I was worried about my 12 year old daughter, after all, all she does when she comes home from school is stay in her room and blast her pointless music for hours until it's time to eat. She was away at a friend's birthday party, and came back wearing a black hat that smelled strongly of marijuana. I knew I shouldn't have, but I searched her room the next week while she was out. I found a hidden stash of the drug (marijuana)., along with a few beers. I'm not sure she knows I was through her stuff yet.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mah,
Re-read pages 186 and 264 of the book. As they explain, first apologize for having searched her room. You did invade her privacy and you broke a trust between the two of you. Tell her that you feel sick about having done that, and you hope to never do that again. As she yells and screams about how horrible you are, keep agreeing with her that what you did was inappropriate.
Then later, as she calms down, tell her that now it's time to talk about what you found in your search. If she diverts to hating you for searching, apologize yet again, telling her that she's right, but that now you need to talk about her drugs, and what she intends to do about those. Your next options will be dictated by how well or poorly your talk goes. Since your kid is only 12, get yourself to a good adolescent therapist to get some advice on how to specifically proceed from there. She's way too young to have such a level of exposure to booze and weed.
Good luck and please keep us posted.
Mike Bradley

[MAH]

well, it's taken my awhile to get back to this, but I thought that I'd post the results of my talk with my daughter about what I found in her room.
Yes, she did yell and scream at me about searching her room, betraying trust etc. Then when I brought up the subject of the beer and marijuana, she just glared at me and ran out of the house. I got really nervous and re-read the pages in your book about runaways, and sure enough, she returned in a few hours and stormed into her room not saying a word.
I went in there later that night, and she told me that she had been holding it for a friend, but she wouldn't tell me which. I still don't know if she's lying to me! I want to believe her, but couldn't help having a nagging sensation that she was making something up as she went. I still don't know what to do, but she has continued to visit the same friend, and smell like marijuana. I am preparing myself to confront her about it.

[MAH]

Well (now very late) my daughter and I made it over the room search bumps, and were going smoothly. She is 13 now, and the other day we were discussing her getting more piercings. I flatout refuse to let her get anymore because I just don't feel it is right. The next day she came home with her eyebrow pierced!! What am I supposed to do. I couldn't find any words when I first discovered it, and I still don't know what to say to her about it. What should I do? Please help!!!!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mah,
As you've found out, there are some things that you can not control with teens. So the best strategy is to use these things "against" them, meaning that you give in on some things to get more important things.
With your daughter you might negotiate piercings in exchange for responsibility. For example if she can give you her word that she is avoiding the weed and alcohol (and if you can trust that) then you might consider paying for her piercings (which also insures that she'll get them done more safely than the "self-pierce" techniques).
The idea is to try and work together towards goals rather than go to war over things like piercings. Remember that the external appearance things mean very little. Look instead to the heart of your child. Piercings holes heal themselves quickly. Broken hearts can last forever.
Hang in there Mom!