Music!!??

[Billiecat]

I always considered myself pretty hip, but I can not understand the music my kids are listening to. It's like every other generation before me. I hear what their listenihng to and just say is that really music?

Eminem, Corn and all the heavy rap stuff just puts my nerves on edge. They will outgrow it though, right?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Billiecat:
I have no idea whether todays' kids will outgrow their music; did you outgrow yours? I never did mine.
But rather than agitate against it, try understanding that teen music is another window into the teen culture, and one we parents must pay attention to. For example, if your son's music advocates violence against women, start a dialogue with him to get him thinking that maybe this is just not silly lyrics, but that maybe this is a part of the increasing relationship violence problem we see today. And ask him whether he thinks that the profanity rampant in the music has anything to do with the "coarsening of our culture" which seems to be destroying our sense of respect for one another. Don't argue, just lay in little thoughts for them to mull over. Keep us all posted on how you make out!
Mike Bradley

[LizK]

Hi Billiecat,

I have 2 teenagers who listened to the most awful music I could imagine. My son listened to the hard rap music with all its violence, language and sexual lyrics and I absolutely hated it. I complained often, and told him to keep the music (?) turned down and his door closed. Now, five years later (whew!) he is 21 years old and is starting to listen to stuff I listen to like George Benson (a far cry from rap music) and other, softer music to the ears. I didn't do anything intentionally but maybe without realizing it he was absorbing something from me. And my daughter, who is almost 20, chose "gothic" music with lyrics so totally depressing that I myself almost felt like ending it all. She too, is finally listening to music which we both enjoy and we often listen to it together. Once in awhile we "turn it up" and sing along. Lots of fun, and I feel like we are connecting. It has been a long hard battle with my children, but finally it seems like my sanity and theirs is close at hand. I also have two other children on the other side of the spectrum who for the most part, gave me very little grief. What a variety I have!

[Suzan]

We all listen to music for various reasons at various times. I grew up playing and listening to music from the World War II era and the earliest Rock'n Roll along with Classical and Jazz because my Mother is a very talented musician with eclectic taste and exposed me to all of it. The exposure to so many varieties fostered a love of music and eclectic taste also. I have favorites from every decade of my life and some from before I was born.

My daughter was exposed to the same music (except Jazz) and as time passed much more was added to the list. She, however, now listens to rap and other selections that I have never heard. When she is listening to music the door to her room is closed and the volume low enough so that I am not offended by it. When we ride in the car together, we agree to talk instead of having "her" music or "my" music playing. Sometimes she plays a CD that she knows I like.

My only comment to my daughter about her choice of music was:
"Be careful what you confess with your mouth. You are liable to get it or become it."

And so it stands. As we sing, we verbalize our thoughts, emotions and ideas. Often, the lyrics to songs are not really our particular "truth". We are caught up in the melody, rythmn, or the chorus. Often, if after we sing a line or two, and someone asked us, "Is that true, is that what happened to you?" or "Is that how your really feel?" the answer would have to be "No." In which case, when you get down to the nitty gritty, you are lying, not only to yourself, but to anyone who hears you sing it.

Violence and suicide are not things which I want my daughter to confess to nor agree with, but it is her life. All I can do is give her food for thought and believe that in the end, she will make the right choices, and choose to either make up her own lyrics to melodies and rythmns she loves or just not listen/sing to music that is detrimental to her mental, emotional and spritual health.

We can expose our children to what is good for them.
We can guide our children to do what is good for them.
However, they must choose to do what is good for themselves, or not, and we will love them regardless.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Suzan,
How beautifully put! I have no doubt that your daughter will end up embracing so much of what you hold as precious, just because you are allowing her to make her own choices. Because associating your values with your love, compassion and tolerance for your daughter will make those things most attractive to her as she matures. Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Mike Bradley

[LizK]

Thank you, Suzan. Music is so important to our teens these days, and yes, in the end they will make their own choices. As hard as it is, I try not to criticize, but to offer a good selection and variety of music for them. As they become adults, their music will change, as mine did when I was a teen. Surviving it is the hard part, but I know there is an end to their craziness...

[ovr40mom]

having read the 10 commandments of parenting including honoring identity even if it makes you ill, I am wondering what is age appropriate in this regard and in regard to music for pre teens. if you would not take a 12 year old to an R movie is it still reasonable to screen/censor CD's? Similararily, if they want to "try on" an identify such as "goth" as a pre-teen is it reasonable to still monitor appearance if most of their peers are still being monitored by their parents. understanding that "control" can drive them towards something, or to rebel but still wondering what is age appropriate and what lies ahead at 16 and 17 if you honor too much identity for pre teens.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Over 40,
Great question but a complex one. The guiding principle with music and clothes decisions is to check out the "heart" of your child. If she's OK, if she's compassionate, involved, doing well at school, not excessively angry or depressed, then ease up on the music worries, and give up on the appearance battles. Kids don't progress down some linear path to insanity at 16 if you let them make clothes & music choices at 14. It's not clothes and music that make kids make bad decisions. If your child is OK, then "goth" clothes will likely be a short-lived (and comic) phase.
If you are worried about your kid's heart, changing the clothes and music won't help anyway. If you feel like she's in trouble and you're losing your connection with her, get help now. Skip over the clothes/music battles and see if she'll get into counseling with you.
Age guidelines for exposure to adult themes in music and movies must be applied in terms of a particular child, a decision that only you can make. Some kids get exposed to that stuff at 11 and 12 and handle it quite well. Others don't. You must make those decisions based on your knowledge of your kid. For example, if he's becoming disrespectful and vulgar, I'd take that as a sign that he's not ready to be exposed to more, and I'd let him know that. But if he seems to navigate this stuff well, the more freedom you allow will ultimately help him make good decisions as long as you are there to monitor his exposures and raise the counterpoints in good, sharing discussions (i.e. "Son, do you think this constant barrage of sexual suggestions in our culture is a little over the edge?") This approach helps protect him in the ten-thousand encounters he'll have where you cannot be there to police his world.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
Mike Bradley

[DamagedRoses313]

hi all! I decided I should post my first..uh, post, on a music topic. since I LOVE music. I'm 15 years old, and I honestly...can't stand most rap. some, I can stand. most though, I just can't. I was reading some of 50 Cents lyrics, and I honestly had to stop reading. I just thought they were so degrading and vulgar. I'm more of a "rocker" or whatever you would like to call it.lol. I'm the one that listens to heavy bands, and softer rock. and bands that have the bass and drums so loud that your ears are blown to bits. The one that headbangs until her head feels too heavy to hold onto her shoulders, and occasionally jumps into the mosh pit.(mosh pits for me are VERY rare though...)
I don't just listen to music. I "feel" it. Its wierd really. Its kinda like my escape. It gets me "away". I listen intently to the lyrics and just happen to "lose myself into the beat of the sounds".
Although, I can't stand most rap, I tolerate it. I think its because i know there are people who dislike the music that I love. and i let them. Its ok. people are allowed to have their own opinions. And i'm actually happy when people voice their opinions. As long as they are not ignorant and/or stereotypical.
I have the whole "live and let live" attitude.
ok, now i have to go, b/c the song I just got done listening to is about to make me cry...

Oh yes... before I go...for the parent (ovr40mom) and her "goth" child. At that age, its probably just a phase. Heck, at my age it might be a phase. (i'm labeled as the "gothic metalhead" at my school.) Just keep in mind that "goth" has two different meanings. The stereotype meaning. And the "true" meaning.
The stereotype meaning-"goths" are depressed. they sometimes cut. they go to satanist cults on saturday nights and drink eachother's blood at night during parties.(haha, i was accused of this before...) they wear all black, only black. they do not believe in god, and/or they worship the devil. they believe they are vampires.
the "true" meaning-"goths" have a darker outlook towards life. they have accepted death, and respect life. they are open minded. they have many different religions. truth be told, you can dress up in a pink bunny suit, and still be goth. its more of an "attitude" then a style. although, style does tie into it in many ways.
good luck to all of yous!

[rsm]

I borrowed my son's ipod to go for a run the other day and was sickened by the music he had on it. The rap lyrics were unbelievably horrible. I spoke with him about it in a loving way (after reading Dr. Bradley's "bible"!). I shared my opinion that music is food for the soul and it is unhealthy to feed it with garbage. I also feel sad that songs about alcohol, drug use and abusing women is entertainment. The area where I do have control is enforcing the rule that nothing innappropriate gets downloaded onto our computer. Other than that, I just have to hope he starts to care about his soul.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
I am responding to both of your messages here.
First, regarding the drug use, see what happens in his treatment program and use that to dictate your future actions. He might begin to develop some insight into the dangerousness of his behaviors, and then worry that he needs to take drugs to "change" his life. If he matures in those ways, then give him more power in deciding what he needs to do to stay clean and sober.
If he maintains his "I'm doing drugs and you can't stop me" position, then you'll need to dispassionately take more control of his world with safety restrictions to include perhaps changing schools. Be prepared though, since that might push things to the next level of conflict where you may need to get the cops involved to get him into the justice system for mandated treatment and supervision (with drug testing).
Regarding his music (music?) I think you played that perfectly, and you should continue that refrain at every opportunity. You might also do a web search for some of the research that shows some relationship between kids hearing sexually aggressive lyrics and then being more inclined to be sexually assaultive (40% of our daughters can expect to be assaulted before they graduate high school). He'll laugh it off but you'll have planted a thought in his mind that maybe this stuff has gone over the edge.
Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Esprit]

My son likes all kinds of music from classical, other cultures, rap, indie etc. Two thoughts come to mind. It was really important to him that I listen to whatever he was currently into. I looked at this as an opportunity to share a connection and also, since i love to learn, it was a way to educate myself and learn something new. I grew to know the newer types of music to find some parts of each that I enjoyed. We have continued to share this bond and he respects that I took the time to learn rather than judge. Some old school RAP is pretty amazing. If you can put aside the lyrics, the beats are amazing as well. Music is such a continuum and there are many throw backs to what we grew up on...just manifested in different ways. All of the above is the POSITIVE. Now onto the tough parts. I also grew to realize that for him, sudden shifts in musical taste reflected very much were he was in life in terms of problems. It is truly one of thos windows into there world and as such can provide clues as to what is going on with them. For my son, when he listened to really hard core RAP, he was beginning a gangster lifestyle that would eventually cause him serious trouble. When he suddenly decided RAP was bad and moved to Indie Rock and hippie style, he was embracing very, very heavy weed use as well as other drugs.

Now, do I feel that the music CAUSED the behaviors?? I absolutely do not. I think that many, many teens listen to many types of music without taking on the characteristics of the music to a detrimental level. But, what I do believe is that if you feel that your child is having problems, the kind of music that they listen to can give you very important clues into what is happening with them.

Just wait until Rock Band or Guitar Hero hits your home....you'll be knowing all the current music and they throw in some of OUR favorites just to keep us going!