13yo seems to be choosing new friends

[ysmama]

Our son was, until January, home-educated. Last summer, he was allowed a lot more freedom to ride his bike around town and socialize, and he began to ask to go to school. We spent time thinking and discussing and he began mid-way through the year.

For the first month of school he continued with his same friendships - kids we'd known for years (and whose parents we know) who enjoy art, playing music, video games, etc. Starting last week he has suddenly taken an interest in a few new friends who are well-known in our town for being in trouble often (one in particular has been expelled, arrested, smoking, pot-smoking).

We have told him he can't spend time at the home of one of these boys because of the smoking, and that until we get to know him and his mother a little better, his socializing with him will be limited and a bit more supervised than with his other friends. We are open with him about our concerns about the drug use, without accusing our son of doing anything (which we really don't think he has). He accuses us of telling him who he can have as friends, but of course we are not. We try to let him know that we aren't choosing his friends, but we are restricting his access to risky situations.

He also wants to be able to hang out with these friends around town in public, which is something we'd always allowed with his other friends who we know (assuming he stays in touch, lets us know where he is, etc). This is where we are unsure because we don't want to be rigid and make these new friends totally off limits. We wonder if this will set up a situation where he decides to be sneaky in order to see these kids. I'd rather allow him to sort it out for himself but keep a close eye. We live in a very small town so it will not be too difficult to keep tabs on him, although I do have two much younger children so I can't always drop everything and check up on him.

Can you suggest anything else we can do to encourage him to choose friendships that won't put him at such risk? And make it seem like it is his idea? :D

Thanks,
Anxious. :(

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Anxious,
Understand that peers don't pick the kid---the kid picks the peers. Given that, you might first want to try to figure out your son's attraction to these worrisome peers by asking him to chat about what he likes about these kids. This might help you to find other ways for him to fulfill those needs. For example, if he feels too protected and "mommy-fied" look to giving him some adventures apart from you, perhaps going sky-diving with a cousin or rock climbing with an uncle.
Beyond that know that your real power is more in expressing your concerns to your son, and less in making absolutely sure that he never sees these kids. This will help him to make good choices when he is confronted with dangerous options both with these kids and with the other risky folks he will undoubtedly meet in his life. If you just forbid contact, it is likely that he will go underground with this and actually find the scary boys more attractive. The fact that he was home schooled for so long might mean that he has some catching up to do in terms of figuring out who he is (his identity) in relation to risky friends.
For now it sounds as if you’ve got good safety precautions around him, so you might want to let him sort the rest out on his own. Let us know how he does.