Internet relationship

[Kimbrly86]

My 14 y/o son has recently developed an internet relationship which includes engaging in cyber sex.

A few months back I discovered an IM conversation between he and a new girlfriend in which they were talking about performing sexual acts on each other. I "confronted" him and talked to him about the implications of becoming sexually active at such a young age etc. I asked that he and this girl "take a break". I was afraid to forbid the relationship for fear it would add fuel to the fire. They went underground and hid the relationship from me and as a result my son and I grew apart for awhile. I avoided making a big deal out of it and the relationship fizzled out.

I put monitoring software on the computer and later learned he was experimenting with cyber sex with girls he had met on My Space IM. I again confronted him and told him I was concerned...especially since one of these girls could be a pedophile in disguise. It was a one sided convo and I just calmly explained the dangers of giving too much info to strangers on the internet and that the people he meets may not be who they represent themselves to be. I told him when he becomes 18 he can do whatever he wants on his own computer but that for now he needs to be responsible for his safety while being on the family computer.

With all of the above said he has developed a relationship with a girl....they engage in some VERY graphic cyber sex and now call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. They have exchanged cell phone numbers (he doesn't know that I know that) and have talked some on the cell phone. He has been limited to computer use because of failing school and I was hoping that this relationship would cool down and fizzle out. This girl has commented to my son to tell me to "f" off when I tell him his computer time is up and she has called me a ho. I'm trying to walk a very fine line here. I don't know whether to try to stop this relationship or just try to stay neutral in hopes that I don't drive him further into the "web". I'm also concerned about the implications of him engaging in all of these sexually charged conversations and what that will do to his ability to have a healthy relationship in the future. Or for that matter will this push him into becoming sexually active sooner? I don't *think* that he has actually had sex yet....

Back in the day boys snuck their dads playboy magazines into their bedrooms. Now with the internet they can role play with other people.

This girl lives in another state so they aren't likely to ever meet in real time. Their fantasy relationship includes having a child and getting married-ugh!


I don't know how to best handle this!:eek:

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
And you thought middle-east peace processes were complex and challenging! After lifting your stunned chin off the floor ("cyber-sex? are you kidding me?") here are a few thoughts to mull as you decide upon what to do.
First, as you wisely knew already, forbidding his "relationship" ("relationship? Are you kidding me?") might be the quickest route to having a cyber baby become a real one. He needs to safely play through this craziness so that it becomes less appealing to him, which it will if you can maintain that neutral position. Second, the scant research we have suggests that these cyber weirdnesses do not permanently scar kids, and in fact, can have long-term benefits for kids where, for example, they tire of that silliness and then look for more substantial ways to find meaning in real life. Third, be careful about spying on your kid since you will learn things you wish you hadn't known and things that really don't matter much in the long run. Plus when he finds out that you're spying (which they usually do) that betrayal can push him far further into the arms of people like his "girlfriend" and now willing to get a lot crazier just to pay you back (i.e. runaway with her). In general, it's a bad idea to spy unless there is a true life or death situation (dangerous drugs, violence) and then only by announcing your spying to your kid in advance, along with the desired behaviors you need so that he can earn an end to his privacy invasion.
Keep your rules firm about his earning computer time with acceptable grades, but think about getting out of the spy business and the relationship management business as well. From what I've seen, they rarely turn a profit.
Please let us know how you make out with this.

[Kimbrly86]

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate that you reach out to your readers and help with their specific problems.

I do feel much better after reading your reply. I have been agonizong over what to do and for now I'm going to let it go and give him the chance to sort out his relationships. Hopefully with the restricted computer time he will find "real world" interests.

I'm also hanging up my spy shoes...I don't really want to invade his privacy and you're right, there are some things I would just rather not know. My son and I are close and I hope to keep it that way. I would much rather he want to come to me when he finds himself needing the support of family than turn to drugs or alcohol to solve his problems. Your book has been a valuable resource to me in learning how to deal with this "new" boy in my home. His 8th grade year has been the year for a lot of changes...sometimes I walk around feeling like someone hit me in the head with a sledge hammer.:eek:

Thanks again,
Kim