bedrooms

[threeteens]

Doc Mike,
My 17 yo son has been dating a 14 yo girl for about 2 months. My son thinks it is ok for her to be up in his room because a "bedroom isnt what it used to be, its where his music, guitars and computer are", not just a place to sleep. I also had a problem when I found them watching a movie in the dark basement with the door closed. He says trust me. I told her I needed her to talk to her parents about what they think is ok for her to do at my house. My son came to me later said she talked to her parents and "they are cool, they trust her". As I write they are at her house, no adults. How do I deal with this with out alienating my son any more? He claims he is smart enough not to have sex with a 14 year old, but 2 teens alone in the dark? He thinks he is an adult and I should not be entitled to tell him what to do, if I do he will hang out at her house. HELP

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Threeteens,
Hang onto your beliefs, but update your responses. The answer to "you don't trust me" is "I trust you with my life. It's your rampaging adolescent hormones I don't trust, particularly alone in a dark basement with no adults around." He will roll his eyes, stomp around, "hate" you, and know that you are exactly correct.
Next, you need to chat with this girl's parents to be sure that they are "cool" with this. If they are, ask if they will be "cool" with a pregnant, 14-year-old daughter. Supervision is critical for this situation. She is way too young to be left alone like that.
Hang tough through your son's threats. Keep trying to find some middle ground where he can see her, but in a semi-supervised setting (Mom upstairs and mobile). When he says "Well, what are you gonna' do when I just go over there anyway" tell him that you are not going to get into what your options are, just that you would prefer that you and he come to some compromise. Don't threaten in return. That only becomes a game of "chicken".
Stay firm on this one. Pregnancy and disease risks are two of those things you can't give in on.
Keep us posted.