Up one Minute and Down the next

[LeeAnn Cullen]

One minute everything appears under control and my 13 year old daughter is happy as a lark and the next minute she's either sad or angry. One day we're up and the next day we're down. I'm so glad Dr. Bradley's book describes this as a somewhat normal phase.

I can tell my behavior is changing her behavior - she sat on my lap on Thanksgiving Day for about 15 minutes while I was chatting with family members. It blew my mind but I acted as if nothing out of the ordinary happened (she hasn't sat in my lap in 2 years).

This morning was rocky - I have a hard time getting her out of bed for school. As a consequence she is banned from watching tv tonight. I also plan to get her an alarm clock but I don't know how on earth to train her to get up on her own.....Any suggestions in this area are welcomed.

Signed: work in progress teen mom

[Mike Bradley]

Dear LeeAnn,
I hate to be the one to break this to you but your kid's sleep cycle is probably advancing forward, meaning that her brain will want to stay up all night and sleep all morning. This is another "normal abnormality" of the teen brain.
Try the following:
-don't take her wake up difficulties personally. Likely it's just her brain more than her attitude. Stay calm.
-talk with her about this. See what ideas she has to help her get up.
-try to avoid punishments. Instead, consider a reward system where she earns money or privileges for getting herself up on time.
If she's not falling asleep early enough, try the following:
-avoid caffeine and sugars after dinner. Things like crackers and pretzels are good sleep snacks. Turkey works great!
-set and keep a sleep ritual of doing the same things at the same time every night as she preps for sleep.
-start dimming the lights an hour before sleep.
-try reading as a pre-sleep activity.
-turn the alarm clock around so she can't see it (seeing the time pass when we can't sleep makes us more upset and alert).
-if she gets upset if she can't sleep, have her get up and read in a chair for a bit, and then return to bed when her eyes get heavy, without checking the clock.
If these things don't work, ask your doc about Melatonin, an over-the-counter sleep aid. It works great with kids and has no addictive or misuse potential.
Please write back and let us know how you make out.

[LeeAnn Cullen]

Well I ranted and raged this morning. It's a funny thing because last night I could have written to say how well things were working.

I have announced that everything is a privilige and these have to be earned starting with getting out of bed in the morning and leaving the house on time. Well that didn't happen Monday morning - I remained calm and she was late for school. She lost the privilege to watch tv after school - she calls me at work begging. This time I stuck to my word and said no way (about 15 times) - but I took her to the YMCA (her idea) instead which is better than watching tv anyway. We had a marvelous evening talking and laughing together but I had to stay on her to get in the bed. This morning, the same problem, she sits up after giving her 10 minutes more sleeping and then another 5 minutes more. The problem happens now - she sits and sits and sits. I bring her hot chocolate. She sits and sits. After about 40 minutes of this she begins getting ready. By this time I am livid. The morning was terrible - I scream and rage and we're both miserable. Almost to school, I appologize but both our days are ruined.

Now I have to start all over again.... I think I have the new tools I need but the old habits are easier. Words of encouragement would be welcomed. Thanks so much.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear LeeAnn,
Believe it or not, you're doing great! NO ONE changes these behaviors overnight. That night you had out with your daughter was wonderful. That failure you had this morning was also wonderful when it turned into a teaching moment as you apologized to her. WELL DONE!!!
Changing these behaviors is like building a brick house---one brick at a time. Allow some time for your new skills to develope, and for your daughter to confront her own lousy morning skills. Find someway to defuse your own morning rage. When she is diddling around and making you crazy, ask yourself "what is the worst that will happen?" (Answer: "She'll be late to school.") Then ask yourself if that thing is a horror or a frustration. A horror is a dead child. Far too many parents have to try and live with horror. A frustration is a teen chronically late for school. Parents who have lost their children would trade places with you in a nanosecond. That sobering thought might help you to remember how blessed you are to have the opportunity to have your kid drive you crazy with her lateness. Try and remember how short our time is with our kids, and what things are truly important.
Focus on her heart, and your connection to it. In time, she'll learn to get to places on time. But if you lose your bond with her, you might never get that back.
Hang in there, and keep us posted.