Lying....discipline

[cbsurfmom]

I really need help. We're a recently blended family SS 16, SD 15, DS13, DD11. My son, almost 14 has been caught lying a lot the past 4 months. It's really come to a head w/him. He lies to get out of trouble, he lies as a first response, he'll confess usually if cornered over and over again. He gets groundings, for a weekend, a week etc. and I'm ready to tell him that he's going to get 2 weeks if he does it again. This latest one is that he left school at 10am yesterday and I didn't know about it until the attendance clerk called me this morning and asked me if I forgot to sign him out. He gets on the phone and tells me he had a pass to go to the health office, which he did, but he never saw the nurse which he said he did and that she wouldn't let him call me because he didn't have a fever, all lies because he didn't see her at all, he just left the school and went home. He's already grounded this weekend for having lied to me about pouring lotion all over his sister's dresser because he was mad at her over something she took from him. Anyways, so for this latest lie, he lost his office aid job at school, I'm thinking of taking the internet connection and the PS2 away for the week. Any suggestions on what's going on? My 11 year old has always said he lies but it's just been recent that I'm actually catching him on all of these or maybe I'm just finally waking up myself because my life is finally a little more settled and not going through a divorce and single parenting. Thanks,

[cbsurfmom]

He's going to be grounded tonight from going to one of his best friend's birthday party. I'm not putting up w/the lying. Where is everyone on this board??

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Cbsurfmom,
As offensive as it is, try to see your kid's lying as a symptom, not as a character defect. As you are finding out, punishing him to get him to tell the truth does not work. That only encourages him to weigh out the possible penalty of a lie against the possible gains, and to consider lying more to avoid more punishments. He'll never get to understand the real damage of lying, which is that it destroys trust. And ultimately, it destroys relationships.
Get the family to a counselor ASAP to find out the "whys" of the lies. There are many possible reasons to explain this, but you'll never get it to stop until you get to the "why" part. Given all the loss and stress he's been through (divorce and new family challenges) there's lots of potential explanations already on your radar scope.
Please let us know how you make out.

[cbsurfmom]

Thanks for the response. I thought I'd update you on what's been going on. The grounding seemed to work for this child. He no longer lies and even 'came clean' when he snuck out of the house one night to go 'toilet pappering' w/some girls. He discontinued therapy at the end of January...but I'm contemplating having him go back because of other issues that have come up. His 2 best friends no longer hang out w/him. I don't know what's transpired except for that my son still thinks 'bathroom' jokes are funny and his friends are moving onto being 'cool' and not acting so loud and in your face. I'm sad for him because I wonder if having grounded him is what caused it or is it really the natural progession in life. He now tells me he wants to go live w/his dad because he has no friends. He still has friends but they're not the 'cool' boys he was hanging out w/before. I used to be close to one of these boys' moms but don't want to call her about this because I'd feel like I'd be overstepping myself. Maybe a lot of kids just hang out by themselves, I don't know?? He's always, had sleep overs etc. but lately no one is really calling him.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Yes, definitely get back to the counselor to be sure things are OK. Kids often do go through periods where they change friends and even "lifestyles", but with your son's history it would be best to run these concerns past the counselor. Perhaps you could attend the sessions with your son to get some answers to your questions.

[cbsurfmom]

for the quick response. I'm going to see the counselor by myself tomorrow and will make an appointment w/my son and myself for next week. If he truly wants to live w/his dad fine. But, he's also the dad who had a DUI in the car w/my son last August. I just don't think he's ready to be living w/him and his dad is getting married this Sept. to a woman who doesn't have kids and is very inpatient w/mine...anyways, I'll keep posting!