pessimistic, unmotivated 15 year old son

[Maureen]

Dear Dr. Mike,

I recently attended a seminar of yours in Toms River, NJ and was quite impressed. My teenage son agreed to come with me and I actually thought he got something out of it, for about 5 minutes. He has now returned to his prior pattern of behavior which causes me to tear my hair out. He is a 15 year old sophomore, the youngest and only boy. He is very bright yet completely unmotivated. He used to be a true Honors student, but started slacking once increased homework kicked in (about 8th grade). He demands respect, yet gives little if I “cross” him. He “knows” everything. Last year he got into a fight when someone pushed him, none since. He cheated on a math test and just recently received a zero on a huge project because he copied someone else’s work (he played video games instead of doing the work yet told me he was finished). The only reason he got caught was because I found the project in his room without a grade and called the teacher. He had taken the project back from the teacher’s room because he started to worry that the friend he copied from might get in trouble also. He’s mad at me because I “snooped” and now he says he just doesn’t care anymore. He won’t do class work for money or any other incentive I can think of. He says he now hates me. He finds school pointless, dislikes most of the teachers “because they don’t get it” and has no regular friends in our neighborhood (we are kind of secluded). He does play 3 sports at school but isn’t the star of any. This frustrates him. He says he won’t go to a “psychiatrist”. Can you help! Is he depressed, overwhelmed, maybe just a “normal” doom and gloom teen or is this really serious? He does have support people, the principal, athletic trainer, his dad…even most teacher's like him. He likes being pessimistic. His "idol" is Dr. House.

Thanks in advance,
Maureen

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Maureen,
From your description I'd say that your son needs to be checked out by a counselor to figure out what's going on. His Dr. House fascination gives you a clue. Your son is looking for some off-beat, slightly cynical, rebellious, openly flawed and self-deprecating adult (likely male) with whom he can connect to begin to address his own issues. That sounds like a great description for most of the counselors of adolescents I know.
So your goal is to get him to see a few to see with whim he connects. Get some names from your school counselor (and from anyone who works with teens) and find some way to get him there. Start by saying that you know that you make him crazy and that the family (not him) needs to get some help. Ask him to not answer but to think about that for a day or two. Next, if need be, offer him some incentive that he might choose to meet with the counselor a few times to see if your son likes him. Tell him that if not, then you'll keep looking until you find someone that he does like. As a last resort, make it clear that his continued privileges (phone, computer, out time) will be earned by his going with you to the counselor.
Your kid likely knows that he needs some help, and he needs you to help him to have an excuse to go ("Mom made me, and I'm getting twenty bucks.")
Good luck!

[Maureen]

Dear Doctor Mike,

Thanks for your quick reply. It has been a few weeks and I still feel as if I am constantly treading on eggshells. Although my son is refusing to go "talk" to some-one, he did agree to see our family physician (who happens to be male, kind of quirky, connects with teens, etc.). After speaking with my son, the physician feels that he may be suffering from a mild depression based on his mood and general negative outlook towards things. He prescribed Wellbutrin as something to try until we can get into seeing a counselor (wait time or an appointment is 8-12 weeks!!). Needless to say, I am a nervous wreck about starting the med but I can't take his nastiness anymore either.

One of our major issues is his room. It is disgusting! I went in today to pick up some dirty clothes and he basically kicked me out. I feel like a prisoner in my own home and am having a hard time keeping myself from telling my son "where to go". This used to be a sweet, well-mannered kid. I will continue to try to be the "dispassionate cop" but it is so difficult when someone you love is not only hurting but hurting others as well. I am seriously worried about his future and would be greatful to hear from anyone who has weathered a similar storm.

What do you do when a kid doesn't want a job, hates school (but can get a 99 in Honors chem with ease), isn't great at any sport so would rather quit than practice harder, finds boyscouts useless (although he is an eagle project away from "Eagle")...

Is he screaming for help, just venting...is Wellbutrin worth a try along with the counseling? Other adults see him as a really good kid, maybe he is just putting on a show for me although it doesn't feel like a show. Help!

Thanks a million!
Maureen

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Wellbutrin sounds like a fine option but be VERY sure that you keep a close eye on him for that first few weeks on the med, since in rare cases some depressed kids can become more suicidal as the med initially takes hold. It's better to have a kid in therapy while starting a med to monitor his reaction, so if you can move up the counseling that would be great.
In the interim, pick your battles carefully. Messy rooms are not worth going to war over. Perhaps take him out for a coffee and tell him that you will respect his space and privacy needs if he can muster up a little respect in return. The facts that he's apparently willing to take a med and see a counselor suggest that he knows he's in need of help, so tread softly for now.
Take care