my 12 year old daughter and anger

[trying hard]

Hi Dr.Bradley,

I love your book and have passed it on to others. Here is my question. My daughter, 12 years old, has always been a bit anxious, shy and quick to frustration/anger. She is a good student (honors) and has good friendships. At home she has always been, at times, loving and funny and angry, teasing of her younger brother and sort of agitated. Since puberty her anger has increased and she has begun yelling at me and her father if she is angry. she is unreasonable during those times and refuses to talk civilly about issues. she has taken to yelling and talking over us so we can't get a word in edgewise. I believe she uses manipulation to get her way (manipulating with anger). she appears really out of control with her anger - although she hasn't destroyed things she has pushed her father and grabs me when I walk away from her during these times. She seems to go from 0-60 with nothing in between. She eventually is contrite and apologizes but continues to be rude. Lately she is cursing not directly at us but under her breath. We have difficulty with consequences as taking away the cell phone is fine but doesn't really resolve the problem.Is this in the normal range of "your teen is crazy" and any suggestions of how to handle these situations.
thank you
Frustrated mom

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
No, this is not the normal "craziness." Have your daughter evaluated ASAP to see what is going on before this behavior becomes habitual for her. Perhaps start by saying to her that THE FAMILY (not just her) need to see a helper since as a group you guys apparently are not terrific at resolving conflict. Moving the blame away from her in that way might help her to be more open to getting some help.
Take care.

[Mum44]

Dear Trying hard,

I'm a new subscriber and have just read your post. Your daughter sounds like mine in a number of ways and so I thought I'd share something with you even though Dr. Bradley's comment of "this is not normal" is giving me shivers right now.

If you haven't already read "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron, I really recommend it. We also have a 12 year old daughter who is "anxious [in new situations], shy [in larger groups and with people she doesn't know well] and quick to frustration/anger. She is a good student (honors) and has good friendships. At home she has always been, at times, loving and funny and angry....". I would add that when she experiences joy---it is ecstatic, and her intuitive skills are very refined. Puberty has hit my own girl with a whollop and her normal emotional self is even more jangly. Early puberty, as I understand, is the worst part (here's hoping). The Aron book is helpful in that it doesn't pathologize this temperament type as so much of our society does and even reframes that sensitivity so you can see what gifts come with it. If she is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) then the sooner she can learn to understand her temperament, the sooner she'll be able to start working on coping mechanisms. There is no doubt that HSP's have to work a lot harder just to manage day to day stressors that other adolescents are able to roll with.

I am reading Dr. Bradley's book right now and find lots of great stuff in it but my own 12 year old isn't the typical acting out teen that is so often described in the sense that she's not fighting us for more independence. Understanding that my daughter is highly sensitive has made all the difference in how we view her emotional life and her (seemingly over-reactive) responses to stress. It allows us to be really compassionate and I know she appreciates this understanding because after one of her rages and she is the in the "you are the best mum ever and I love you so much" stage she is able to articulate WHY she thinks that----eg. because we understand and forgive. Although I am still regularly coping with knots in my stomach, being able to tell her we see how hard she is working to control herself (sometimes she does, sometimes she just lets blow and oh wow, it gets really ugly) when she finds her world so overwhelming is soothing to both her and to us.

Best wishes.

[RiseUpHigh]

i think the best thing to do is to talk to her while shes normal ...and also punish her by not doing everything for her...let her stay on her own a little so she can see what happens when u guys arnt around...but also reward her when she does something really good and try to be friendly with her...i think shes just going through a faze hopefully