two parents two approaches

[millie]

Okay -- I am reading the book (nearly finished) at the suggestion of the psychologist after our first session with our son who left home for two days after a long discussion about "attitude" and showing respect. And I see where I went wrong and I have already started to make it better with some excellent first results. And he wants to work at things and he is really trying.
I even said no to something and was able to walk away and not engage in the sure-to-escalate debate that came after. But here's the problem. My husband thinks this is all "psycho-babble ****" and won't even speak to our son because he walked away from home to cool off and get perspective. He feels our son rejected his family. Even before I read the book I came to understand how that decision to leave, while it hurt to the core, was probably not a bad one. We knew where he was and when he was coming home.
How to move forward when it is two parents but two very different points of view on what to do?
My husband is grief-stricken from the loss of his mother and now has added to that grief the loss of his son. But he won't deal with that either.
So where to now, St Peter (that is from good music, remember??)

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Millie (a woman with great taste in music),
First, well done!!! You've done a great job in responding to your kid's actions. Keep it up and I'm sure you guys will be fine. The tougher challenge might be your husband.
Hand your husband the book and tell him that the psycho-babbling shrink who wrote it is an ex-Regular Army Field Artillery officer. Next, turn the page to Commandment Two (about how I screwed up by not "listening" to my own son) and ask him to read only that one section. After he's finished, ask him to do what I try to do when I'm being stupid with my own kids: Think ahead to being on your death bed one day. How will you feel then about what you are doing now with your son. Will you be glad you stayed "tough" and lost your connection with your kid, perhaps forever? Or will you wish you had beaten down your foolish pride, and reached out to your son when he really needed his father in his life, a father tough enough to be kind and loving even to an arrogant teenager. A father who knows that arrogance is the adolescent shield for pain.
Hug your husband and tell him you know that he is hurting inside as well. Then leave him alone to think a bit.
Finally, if he still dismisses this stuff as "psychobabble", ask him to write me here to let me know directly.
Hang in there, Mom. Your own quiet, loving patience will likely overpower the anger and avoidance in these two males of yours.
Keep us posted.

[millie]

Dr. Bradley,
Well, there is minimal communication between father and son but at least there is some.
I have had some long talks with my son -- I am blown away by his insights and maturity and sensitivity as much as I am by the macho-the-old-man-is-the-root-of-all-my-problems attitude. How to make him see that problems come from everywhere? I am working on that. But for now he is quite a kid and makes me proud.
So we move on from here and I think we can. My challenge is those long deep breaths of paitence when the son's mouth is engaged before the adolescent brain, but even at my advanced age I have grown and learned from all this.
You helped guide the way.
My husband is still opposed to counselling but my son is not opposed to exploring his own attitudes. One of the many things I have learned about two parents and two approaches is that my relationship with my kid can be my own -- and that is the only one I can concentrate on. I can't do it for the two of them -- husband and son -- they will have to work that out for themselves. Getting in the middle won't help anyone.
Thanks,
Millie