16 year old drinking and smoking

[MelodyC]

Our 16 year old son was always such a good, sweet, likeable kid, and then a year or so ago, he started hanging with "different" types of kids (troublemakers) and its like he turned to "the dark side". Drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and pot, and having a run of incidents where he has gotten into a lot of trouble. His dad and I have had numerous talks with him about how we don't approve of ANY drug use, and one of his comebacks is that the more we (or the parents of his friends) forbid these activities, the more rebellious it makes them feel and they want to do it even more. He also says his friends are like his family, and he doesn't want to give them up, and I think he feels that to fit in, he needs to participate in the activities they do.
We have a close and loving relationship with him, but yet, he would much rather socialize with these friends and have their approval than ours. I guess my real question is how do you get them to WANT to stop using, and to believe how dangerous this lifestyle is? I have tried to get him into counselling, and he refuses. He "doesn't want to change" and this is the way he wants to live his life. Any advice?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
You must quickly gain control of this kid before his behaviors turn even worse. The longer that drug activity continues, the more it impacts upon his soft brain, and the greater the odds of addiction.
Sidestep his crazy "the-more-you-bug-the-more-I'll-use" lines and ask him to please once more consider having the family get into counseling since you are sure that you make him crazy in return. Ask him to not answer immediately but to think this over for a day. If (or when) he says no, then calmly say that you love him far too much to accept his self-destructive behaviors, and that all privileges (phone, computer, money) will cease until he agrees to counseling. Make it clear that beyond that you will ask him to not go out as long as his use continues, although his friends are always welcome to hang out at your home. Even if that makes you choke, do it to show him that his friend choices are his, but his survival responsibility remain yours, especially when he's acting so crazy.
Tell him that drug use is one of those issues where there can be no negotiation since his very life is at risk.
He may well explode but he needs to see a clear line in the sand on this issue.
Keep us posted.