16 year old drinking and smoking

[MelodyC]

Our 16 year old son was always such a good, sweet, likeable kid, and then a year or so ago, he started hanging with "different" types of kids (troublemakers) and its like he turned to "the dark side". Drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and pot, and having a run of incidents where he has gotten into a lot of trouble. His dad and I have had numerous talks with him about how we don't approve of ANY drug use, and one of his comebacks is that the more we (or the parents of his friends) forbid these activities, the more rebellious it makes them feel and they want to do it even more. He also says his friends are like his family, and he doesn't want to give them up, and I think he feels that to fit in, he needs to participate in the activities they do.
We have a close and loving relationship with him, but yet, he would much rather socialize with these friends and have their approval than ours. I guess my real question is how do you get them to WANT to stop using, and to believe how dangerous this lifestyle is? I have tried to get him into counselling, and he refuses. He "doesn't want to change" and this is the way he wants to live his life. Any advice?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
You must quickly gain control of this kid before his behaviors turn even worse. The longer that drug activity continues, the more it impacts upon his soft brain, and the greater the odds of addiction.
Sidestep his crazy "the-more-you-bug-the-more-I'll-use" lines and ask him to please once more consider having the family get into counseling since you are sure that you make him crazy in return. Ask him to not answer immediately but to think this over for a day. If (or when) he says no, then calmly say that you love him far too much to accept his self-destructive behaviors, and that all privileges (phone, computer, money) will cease until he agrees to counseling. Make it clear that beyond that you will ask him to not go out as long as his use continues, although his friends are always welcome to hang out at your home. Even if that makes you choke, do it to show him that his friend choices are his, but his survival responsibility remain yours, especially when he's acting so crazy.
Tell him that drug use is one of those issues where there can be no negotiation since his very life is at risk.
He may well explode but he needs to see a clear line in the sand on this issue.
Keep us posted.

[dylsmom]

MelodyC, I feel your pain!! And, I hear your respose Dr Bradley but how do you enforce these things you suggest when the parents are both at work and the teenager can just leave the house at will if he chooses? When we have tried this in the past he has turned to raging and become defiant. The using escalated and things got much worse. He is now almost 17 and seems to have cut down on weed and beer to weekend "party type behavior" Unfortunately even at other friends homes there seems to be this activity going on. We live in a suburban area where there are plenty of parks, woods etc to go to drink or smoke. This is "normal" teenage behavior isn't it?...dont get me wrong, I do not condone it but if we are to respect and let go and let them grow up and make choices, how can we then be policing them every time they are out of our sight?? Maybe they have to make a few poor decisions before they realize the consequences. He always calls and lets us know where he is and doesnt break curfew. He knows if he ever needs us we will come to pick him up and/or be there for him. This means alot to all of us. My son is under a doctors care and goes for med checks but refuses to engage in therapy of any kind....we have tried different therapists, deal making etc and it has never worked because he will not be an active participant. The dr is using meds to "soften" him up and hopefully things will change but it has been years of this. Your book has been a huge help! My husband and I read it over the summer when things got realy bad. Now we and our son seem to have calmed down and be communicationg a bit better and although he has not stopped using altogether, it has lessend...I will keep monitoring this thread ..thank you.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
If things seem to be getting better with your son then keep doing what you're doing and monitor things to be sure that you stay on a good trend. In a case where a kid is trending in a dangerous direction with drugs (and alcohol is THE drug) then parents might need to tie privileges and freedoms to clean random drug tests. Ironically, this works best if mandated by a judge and performed by a probation officer or drug court person to sidestep the raging at parents that goes with forcing kids to pee in cups. Perhaps once a month I hear a kid tell me how being on probation for drug use was the best thing that ever happened since it "forced" him to stop using and to then focus on his life. This is why in EXTREME cases we suggest "narcing out" your kid to the cops if you have a good, supportive (versus punitive) juvenile justice system in your area.
But congratulations on your trend, and keep up the good work!

[benjalo]

Dr. Mike, we are considering the random testing tied to privileges, as our son is still only in the first several months of experimenting with pot and we'd like to somehow get a handle on it. My problem is that I am afraid he will choose stronger drugs that can't be detected as easily with a pee test, or don't stay in the system as long. I don't want to make choices that lead him toward riskier behaviors.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
First, know that MOST of the time drug testing reduces all drug use versus pushes kids towards harder drugs. There are "wide-screen" tests now that evaluate for most street drugs. Your kid doesn't need to have access to the label to know what is not included in the test.
But before doing testing be sure that you have exhausted every other non-test option (to include family counseling) since the "gold" would be having your child stop using because HE decides it's the right thing to do versus to avoid a positive pee test. Be sure he knows that you hate the idea of testing him but that his view of drugs scares the hell out of you.
Good luck.

[MelodyC]

It's been several months since I've written about our 16 year old son. I had hoped that having some freedom to make his own choices and mistakes would help him grow out of this, since he has not been willing to go for family counseling. But it seems his "partying" is an everyday thing now. He has no hobbies, and no ambition to better himself in anyway. He tells me that "all his friends' parents" talk to him and give him advice about drinking and smoking, and they say "if you're going to do it, just be careful". He can't understand why HIS parents have to be so different, (because we don't want him using AT ALL). I think the only thing to do now is what you recommended to me before, and if he won't go for counseling, start taking away priveleges until he stops using. But like Dylsmom said, how do you police them when both parents work? I might add that I have tried to find a therapist who specializes in teenagers and adolescents, and have yet to find someone who seems qualified in that dept. I really want to find someone who has an understanding of these crazy kids the way you do! Any other advice? Thanks.

[Mike Bradley]

I'm sorry to scare you, but this is one of those few situations where you do calmly, lovingly but firmly draw the line in the sand. Tell him that you love him far too much to go along with the "just be careful if you use" nonsense. Remind him that teen brains become addicted at 5 times the rate of adult brains, and that he's playing Russian Roulette here. Then proceed to construct a set of rewards and consequences where sobriety earns him what he wants, and using loses him what he wants. If sounds as if the drug testing might now be necessary, but that will help you with your policing question.
Still search for a professional to help coach you through this critical time.
Good luck and keep us posted.