Teen anger and resentment now that she's hacked my email!

[TornMom]

My 16 year old daughter has had such a terrible last 18-24 months because of her dad and me. Now, I've just realized why she might be angry with me and not just my unfaithful husband. In my own hurt and anger, I sent numerous emails to my various girlfriend supporters, raging on about his antics and how it was affecting me and our daughter. I thought it was best to protect her from all this adult conflict, unlike her dad who was telling her everything -- way too much information about his relationship with the other woman. Being far away from any friends, it was my main way to contact them for my own support. Well, that's what I thought. Now it appears that she hacked into his email - to read all his sex-mails with his mistress, but also may have been able to read my raging emails about him, too. Oh boy... I forgot how tech-savvy teens are today.

Now I see how "what goes around comes around." Speaking negatively about her father via email has left her thinking I'm the villain in all this and her dad, with his version is the innocent victim of a real witch and he hasn't done anything wrong. She told me on Mothers' Day that she was so angry and resentful towards me, but she wasn't prepared to tell me everything. She says she knows a lot more than I give her credit and that when she sees me next time, she'll come with cue-cards. She has chosen to stay with her dad, despite his attempts to make a new family with the mistress and her four kids, even though we're not divorced. I thought it was because she was so afraid of losing out to all that competition! I've been advised not to speak against her dad and with some practice, I thought I was doing really well, by not reacting in front of her. Now I realise that she was also trying to get away from who she thought was being "mean" to her father. When that affair broke up, she continued to stay with him. Meanwhile, he quit his high-paying job, left me with our family home to sell in another city across the country and moved in with the OW and her kids with our daughter. My daughter asked me to move to the same city as her so she could see me. It took me almost 8 months to sell the house and move. By the time I arrived, she had moved back to her uncle's basement with her father because his affair broke up after 8 days living together. When he eventually found a job a few months later, they found a small two-bedroom, for which she refuses to give me the home phone number or address. He has not spoken with me at all, not even about our daughter. In fact, it was she who told me she was "supposed to" tell me he broke up for good with the other mistress.

Now, on Mothers' Day, with great difficulty, she told me and a mutual friend that she was again upset because her dad is dating another woman, three months after breaking up with the other mistress. She questions whether she should respect his desire to have companionship. He tells her he's entitled, but it's not serious, just companionship. She doesn't believe him because he started calling the other woman "baby" and holding her hand. She says she doesn't like this woman with a 14-year old son and they can hardly understand what she is saying with her broken English. She's told her dad that she doesn't want to know about his girlfriends, but wonders if she's being selfish. I'm so sad for her because I see that saying anything against her father will only exacerbate what she's already read that I wrote long ago. I look like the hypocrite, not him. However, I feel I really messed up here, but then, I also realize that she was never supposed to read those emails. I changed my password today.

She refuses to listen to my point of view, saying she already has all the "facts" from her dad. I couldn't understand why she refused to listen to my view, but now, I think I understand.

What can I do now for damage control? My daughter says she would like to come to live with me, but she says we have a lot of issues and a bad relationship. She won't come to live with me until those are resolved.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I think that your daughter has already begun that healing process by saying that your "issues" should be resolved before she moves back in (apparently she's learning some important things by watching her father's impulsive behaviors).
Send her a letter apologizing for having hurt her and tell her that you intend to stop trying to tell her about YOUR point of view, and that you just want to hear about her point of view. Also stop thinking that you got to tell her "your side" of things. The odds are that she knows that stuff and is really just shopping for an adult parent who can also be a grown-up, namely one who can be big enough to accept anger and blame that is not really hers, but one who cares more about her child than about being right or vindicated. I suspect that your ex is not up to that job, and that your daughter needs and wants you to be that person to her.
Let that letter "soak" a bit and then ask for her thoughts.
Let us know how you make out.

[TornMom]

Thank you for the your "teen translation." I haven't written her a note yet because I don't have her address, only two email ones that I don't whether they're private. However, I'm seeing my daughter this weekend when she comes to help prepare for a friend's birthday dinner party. I have spoken with a counsellor who works at her school two days a week. I asked if she would "mediate" if I met with her and my daughter. My daughter was grappling with how to describe the "issues" between us and I thought it might help to have the counsellor to help her. Certainly, I felt like my daughter was talking in "code" when she was trying to tell me. Perhaps it's my own "selective" hearing, but I simply couldn't understand the big issues. With just about a month of school left, there's probably not much we can accomplish, but the counsellor still felt it would be worthwhile to start.

Even with a mediator, I will still take your suggestion and write her a note that I will be listening more and commenting less. She doesn't often ask me personal questions, but once in a while, a couple slipped out. I'm not sure how to respond, but I just give her the most honest answer I can. She's asked me questions out of the blue such as "Do you still love Daddy?" "Are you trying to get laid?" and "So, how are the boys? (perplexed me, too... but she was trying to ask if I was dating anyone - certainly NOT.) as well as the favorite - do you have a job yet? The last one, I honestly say I've been working on this since before I moved, so I am continuing to search. This question to me, reflects her concern whether I can support her if she comes to stay with me. However, those other personal questions are more difficult and I wasn't sure what she was looking for. She did tell me that she didn't think we should get back together, though. I suppose she has heard from him that he's had enough of my "behavior." What worries me is that I heard from former work colleagues that he announced to his staff that he had to quit his job to be with his daughter because he sent her away so she wouldn't have to witness the bad behaviors of "the mother who abandoned him - and was having an affair with another man!" I was never so flabbergasted in my life!! So, it worried me whether, even in passing, this fiction was suggested to her in his desperate justifications. I just don't know how to counter this kind of fantasy, except to act as I normally do with my daughter with no secrets and trying to show my concern for her education, her health and other mom-interests. Should I just ignore the fictions?

[Mike Bradley]

It's critical that you not reference Dad's possible disparaging comments about you when you speak with your daughter. The fact is that much or most of that "he said, she said" stuff is bogus, carried by people who like to watch others fight. Like the song says, believe half of what you see and none of what you hear. More importantly, even or especially if he is saying bad things to her about you, show your daughter the "high road" by not attacking him in return. Kids lose respect for parents who criticize their ex's, and they respect the heck out of parents who refuse to get down in that dirt. If she raises those things to you say that you'll answer any questions she has about your own behavior, but that she must ask her Dad any questions she has about his.
Take care.

[TornMom]

It became clear in the counselling with my daughter that she is confused over what is said between parents. She says she feels defensive when I talk about her dad, but also added she is happy that I've stopped saying anything about him. The counsellor suggested we set up "a code word" or something to indicate that I'm saying something that might make my daughter feel uncomfortable. We will try it. The strangest thing she said in the earlier counselling was that this whole thing has forced her to choose. It's clear who she chose and she said that it's because her dad has helped her more through the crisis than I have. (I guess she forgot who caused it in the first place!) She added too that she is with her dad because "he raised" her. I was flabbergasted! I asked well, what happened to the 14+ years before these last few months?! She acknowledged that she didn't remember anything before the separation.

The counsellor told me aside that she has been working with my daughter on why she feels so responsible for her dad. She also said she planned to meet her dad who earlier told her he would meet and she should talk to me. My daughter is restricted from communicating with me because she says her dad doesn't want me to have their home phone and address. He insists he needs his "privacy." The counsellor says my daughter should be allowed to contact her mother whenever she needs and certainly using the landline is cheaper than using a cellphone, so she will talk to him about the prohibition.

Then, last weekend, my daughter called distressed. She told me she had a big fight with her dad. He insisted that she should go on a hike with him and his new mistress and her family. She refused and there followed a dragged-out fight, full of swearing. What seems to have upset her most is that he complained that he did a lot for her and that she didn't do anything for him. It ended with him calling her a "bitch" and then going off with the girlfriend. I was livid. I told her that no one should ever call her such a thing and to come over to spend the weekend with me.

Now, I know that this is playing off each other, unfortunately. I just can't allow that kind of abuse to be part of her life, though. It's just wrong, wrong. I put up with some of that and I want to let her know it is never appropriate.

She was reluctant to talk about what was upsetting her, but finally, she let it pour out. She explained that she hates having fights with her dad and he is so stubborn. In the past, she said, whenever she didn't like what he was doing with these other women, he would back off a bit. Now, she says it doesn't have any effect and he just keeps telling her to stop bugging him about it. She says she just doesn't like these people at all and she's been there before.

I could only praise her for asserting her position. I told her conflict never feels good, but it is part of life so we can get to a better understanding. I suggested, however that if she returned the swearing, she didn't need to lower herself to that level. Maybe I sound preachy, but as much as I understand teens swear, I want her to at least raise herself above that childish behaviour she witnessed and find a better way to respond, although I don't konw what that might be.

Her dad informed me he's going away for a week - of course for the July holiday week and wanted to know if I could "take care of our daughter" because he didn't want to 'dump' her on me. I insisted that was a no brainer. I am still hopeful that she will simply stay on with me rather than have to witness her father's behaviours. Should I suggest to my daughter that she might want to live with me? She asked me last weekend if she could have copies of the keys to my apartment - in case she gets "locked-out" or something happens. I'm going to get keys cut, but it's probably good to have some rules in place about their use. The landlady said I could get copies, but I would have to be the one to determine the rules for access.

What can I say to my daughter so that she is respectful and yet so she feels welcomed for as long as she wishes?

[Mike Bradley]

This is another issue best discussed with the counselor present. It may be unfair to say this, but there might be more to your daughter's fight-with-Dad-story than perhaps she has told you. Know that many kids (even good ones like yours) will use parental dissension to get what they want. If things are not going their way at one house, they'll go to the other parent carrying tales that this parent wants to hear in order to get to bunk in there for awhile. And when conflicts arise there, they’ll head back to the first parent armed with new stories of abuse or neglect.
So for your kid's sake, be sure to talk all of this through with the counselor and your ex (if you can) so that your daughter doesn't ping-pong back and forth between her parents, never learning how to resolve conflict. That could become a life-habit for her.
Take care.

[TornMom]

Thank you so much for your interpretation. You hit the spot rightly by saying she will ping-pong between parents. I thought she was adopting her father's approach to conflict with running away, but clearly it's easier for a teen to do this. If it's a life-long habit with him, then there's more than chance she's learning the same.

What is of more concern is back to the original post. Yes, she did hack my email account, but worse, she cut and pasted some of them to her dad. To his credit he told her she shouldn't be doing that. She put her own "comments" between some of them, asking him if such-and-such was true or fumed about my take on her mental state while she had a breakdown where I took her to the children's hospital emergency one night for self-mutilating. What she sent him were also details between the divorce lawyer and me and other very personal, private couple issues I wrote to my confidantes and supporters, or in an online forum to support people going through divorce. Of course this was meant only for my own support and personal venting. Now I realize that nothing at all is private. I'm very angry with her, but I also realize that she is curious about what is going on since both parents are thinking different things in different places. I am also beginning to see why it is so difficult to communicate with her father over any issues involving her welfare. I fear that this has exacerbated an already acrimonious situation. I realize that even if what I was saying was true, it will not be perceived by her as that, but an attack on her father and she continues to live with him and believes he is a better parent... except when he insists she must also hang-out with him and his new mistress. Ironically, she came to visit one day on the weekend. It was mostly to talk over "boy issues" but also because she received cyber hatemail from some girl who believes they're competing for the same boy. As you noted - she wanted to avoid conflict. She was going to pretend she never received it. Her father thought it should be given to the principal. The other option was to tell the boy about the anonymous hate mail in which his name is mentioned. I'm not sure what she will do, but she was planning to show the text to the boy, but not involve the principal. I see this as an opportunity for her to learn better ways to resolve conflict, but I also know that schools and the governments want to bring cyberbullying out in the open.

I'm sure the cyberbullying will work out more easily than her email hacking. I am at a loss to know what to do, now that I know the extent of what she did and what she meant when she said she knows "a lot more than I think she knows." I'm quite depressed over it and really want a break from this nightmare. I just don't feel I can deal with this. Should I bring this up with her or wait until she questions me? The counsellor is being difficult to get hold of and has only three more sessions left before the end of school. Thanking you in advance.