Underachievement

[lmomg]

Only on chapter two, but am enjoying your book very much. It's restoring faith in my son, which is priceless to me....
But.... how does one handle underachievement in a high school sophomore who is getting a couple of F's....He has no learning disabilities, in fact tests at academically gifted range.
He gets 100% on all tests, then drags his grades down because he "forgets" to turn in homework. He refuses to use an assignment book, saying "I don't need it, I can remember it all in my head"......then forgets to turn things in on time!

We have tried taking away the computer, xbox, visits with friends, started earlier bedtimes....He is not depressed, just doesn't seem to get why a horrible GPA will affect his future.
I know you said in your book not to make a huge deal out of grades, the relationship with the child will suffer, but what DO you do?
Thanks
A frustrated mom

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
9th and 10th grades are the worst for a kid like yours. It's kind of a "no man's land" where he's to old to get good grades just to please his parents, and too young to understand the importance of school. College seems decades away. Likely next year he'll wake up one morning and yell, "OHMIGOD! High school is almost over. What have I done to myself with these grades?"
So for now, buy time and do the best you can. Stop the "takeaways" (they just get kids mad and hurt) and negotiate a reward system instead where he can earn what he wants via weekly reports from school showing that he's doing well with homework. Use a point system where the better ratings from teachers get him more rewards (i.e. money, sleepovers, driving).
Most of all, be sure to let him know that as much as you want him to do well in school, that wish has nothing to do with your love for him. Remind him how wonderful he is and how much you treasure having him around. Remind yourself that he'll be leaving in a few years, and then the stupid homework fights will seem really stupid. But the moments of closeness and shared love will be gems to keep in your heart forever. Personally, I'd go for the gems.
Let us know how your reward system works out.
Be well.

[lmomg]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply....

It's been obvious that taking things away from him does not work, so I love your advice... The best grades he ever got were when he wanted a kitten, so we had him earn "kitty points" for good school reports. Also I used to bribe him with Pokemon cards, which worked great......Just need to find a substitute for those things.


I am enjoying your book so much and have referred it to so many people.
Thanks again.

[lmomg]

Just a follow-up.....I had written a couple of months ago in frustration to my sons apathy....
We used your suggestions and he is like a different kid. I think we did the unexpected--we were calm, matter-of-fact, no yelling, hysterics (my part)...
But, we did march him into his school counselors office and we started having the teachers sign a weekly progress report showing if any assignments were missing, current class grade and any comments. Yes, we are still way more involved in monitoring his homework than we would like, but we figure we can phase this out soon.....
Hopefully I will not be asking his employer to sign a progress report when he is in his 30's! :)
He is getting A's and B's now and 3 months ago he had 2 D's and an F. Plus, he took the PSAT test and did well on it and is now starting to get mail from colleges. I think he is FINALLY making he connection that good things come from hard work.
I think alot of this is maturation on his part, but a huge part comes from your book and recommendations. I am not naive enough to think he is totally out of the woods, but he is making huge strides and he is a joy to be around....Thanks Dr. B.!
lmomg

[MLL]

I'm glad to see that someone else has had success getting the school involved. Someone at a parent meeting told me that she got the school to fax her a report on Fridays ( at her office, so no lost papers ). And that report determined what kind of social activities were allowed. We have gotten alot out of this as well. My son's councelor suggested once every 2 weeks would be a better schedule. We've explained to our 9th grader that this report is only about making sure he has handed everything in NOT about the grades. I've told him that I think it is his responsibility to hand in all his work. If the grades aren't all A's and B's but he is caught up I'll consider he's meeting his responsibilities. He is very bright which we've always told him, but it was obvious to me that he never believed it before. Now that his work is getting handed in things are mostly A's and B's. And he actually seemed surprised ! The interesting part is that we still never see him do ANY homework. But since I get my info right from the school we avoid all the "what do you mean you don't have any homework" arguments. Every 2 weeks we know that he's on track. It has reduced the evening stress level quite a bit.

[lmomg]

An update on my son I wrote about awhile back. He is now a Jr. in high school. Grades came in today and he had 3 F's and a D.....
This is from a kid that was in the tag program all through school.
He does not do drugs, is not depressed. He refuses to write down any assignments, seems addicted to computer games and will steal away to play those any chance he gets. I read your response to my prior letter and have resolved to the fact a community college is where he'll go. What hurts is the daily lies when he's asked if he has any homework. "Nope, no homework today, nope did it in class, nope did it already.".....
Monday we will again be calling the school to start another round of teacher weekly feedback reports, which I think only babies him more. How do any of you other parents deal with this?
Dr Bradley, do you ever think kids like mine "get back" at their parents in a passive-aggressive manner for stressing good study habits by "forgetting" to do every single assignment ?
Just needed to vent. I don't care about the grades as much as the lies.
lmomg

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Do you recall reading in my book about how slowly some psychological changes occur? Well, your kid is a great example. Some machines (teenagers) have to be kick started a number of times before they run without stalling out (get good grades on their own).
I think you saw that the weekly school reports and incentives were effective before, so, congratulations! You know what works. And far from "babying" him, I see the reports as helping to provide him with the structure he needs (for now) to monitor and adjust his own performance. How many of us use trainers, or timers, or scales to give ourselves structured feedback on our own goal-focused performance?
Do address the lying with him. Not as a punishment issue, but as a trust issue. Tell him how scared and saddened you feel when he is not truthful, then ask how you guys can talk about tough issues without him feeling like he cannot be straight up. Encourage him to tell you what you might be doing that contributes to his lying. DO NOT ARGUE HIS POINTS, but just accept them at face value, and thank him for speaking directly to you, that you love even hearing complaints from him as long as he is speaking from the heart. Tell him that you'll try to do better, and then give him a hug.
Remember, don't trade your connection to his heart for grades. That's always a bad bargain.
Good luck and keep us posted.

[lmomg]

Thanks Dr. Bradley for your wise words. Were you the one who said, "You want to help your kids learn from their mistakes, not suffer for them". Yesterday, I wanted him to suffer and I realized how my anger/over-emoting is counterproductive.
I followed your advice and he is opening up alot more....
he even vacuumed :O
(he is just trying to get his computer back)....
My parents were the last people I would have gone to when I had a problem because they were so critical and judgmental...
If I can let your advice sink in, hopefully I won't have that same relationship with my boys.
Thanks a million.
lmomg