What to say after an invasion of my privacy when she's mad!

[TornMom]

Because it's exam time, I decided to wait to confront my daughter (16) over her invasion of my private email, which she forwarded to my separated spouse. Her studies have been jeopardized enough with her tumultuous family situation as well as her own "running amok" in a new school for Grade 11.

I have a couple of questions and would love to hear some opinions. First - what should I say to this girl who purposely snooped into my email to my confidantes and my lawyer, then sent off bits out of context to her dad? She found out things I never intended for her to know, if ever, until she was a lot older and might understand adult issues better. She exposed her dad to problems that he is afraid confront about his own family issues because they're too painful. She gave him a full wallop of all at once through what I was writing over time to my confidantes. Content aside, though, what she did was probably illegal - breaking into my computer and stealing information. What she learned infuriated her and I see this as affecting our future relationship. She thinks she knows "everything" now, but it's more like her having seen a two-minute trailer and claiming she already knows the feature length movie! It's clear that from what she saw, she now feels she needs to protect her father. She doesn't reply to my messages and has hardly been in touch, unless she wants me to buy her something that her dad won't get her. What can I say to her that wouldn't further alienate her, but would underline that I do not feel I can trust her? Her dad's going out of town at the end of the month for a week and he wants to put her with me. I figured that would be a good time to confront her so she couldn't run away from the responsibility as she is inclined to do. That's why I need to find a good way to handle this. Suggestions??

I moved 3,000 miles closer after my daughter asked me, and so she could have access to me after her dad moved her across the country to be near his mistress. I told my daughter I would find a nice place where she would have an option to live. (ie. she wouldn't have to live at her father's mistress, if that happened, tho I never said that to her.) In the two months I've been here, I've been trying to find a job in this city that is a lot more expensive than where I was. I have a nice place to live and an extra room for her. She hasn't come over to see me more than maybe 5 times and stayed overnight just twice. I can't afford to keep this up without an income, so I was considering whether I should rent out the other bedroom. If she comes to visit, she can stay in my room which has an extra bed. If she does come to live with me, I would start to work two jobs - only way to afford keeping this place. Would getting a roommate defeat the purpose? I wanted her to stay with me half the time. I know that where I live is much larger and it's furnished whereas her dad's place is not. I thought that the location, close to a mall and community centre, would also appeal more. She's been absorbing so much propaganda from him, that I wanted to be able to "show her" that his interpretation is not the reality. If I tell her this, will she just shrug and say, well, I'll just stay at dad's?

Thank you for any suggestions!

[iamthestepmomx4]

dear torn.i can understand how your feeling.should i do this or should i do that.unfortunately my daughters hold the key to how much of a relationship they will let me have with them..they are teenagers now and haveing divorced my ex in 98 i completely understand.he took all our money,evicted me and our to young children and mentally,emotionally and physically abused me throughout our marriage..my daughters saw this..he left us with no home,no resources and for 3years i raised them alone as well as with my older daughter.haveing survived the divorce,a hysterectomy,a death as well as a suicide in my family.i was so lost and didnt think i could survive alone.until i met the man whoses now my husband.then my ex came after my kids and me full force-the i am not letting anyone be a father to my kids he said..he took me to court and amazeing he had a lawyer i did not and he won custody of the only thing left of me my kids.my girls seemed to forget what their daddy did to me.he hung the stars the moon and sky..and i am somehow the bad guy for stateing what are simply the facts.they turn off and get mad at me.i am 700 miles away from my daughters.my ex worked on my middle child so that she begged me to sign the custody papers she was only in second grade.i had to get therphy for my family and their father has refused theres ever been a problem emotionally for my daughters..but their has.my ex has continually used the custody card to keep me in line..me driveing 700 miles from where i live to see them and him sending them away at the holidays.now for the past almost 3years my middle daughter has quit comeing up for summer visit..to be with friends,etc and barely talks via phone or internet while my youngest does.my ex told her she was old enough to chose whether to see me,love me....so i keep trying to break down the wall between me and my now 16 year old.my ex remarried as well and she brought another child into the mix .with his wife calling me saying he was abuseing my children sexually...he was investigated several times.. human resources didnt think there was a problem..so my daughters endure his abuse with her and her with them and somehow even though they divorced the kids are upset with me..they still have the dream me and their father will be together.even though ive remarried and the man i married has a child whose a boy and now 18 i ve been in his life for 8years.he doesnt respect me,has put holes in my walls for simply takeing a ipod as punishment which i wish i had red dr bradleys book sooner i would have realized that doesnt work.for years hes done drugs now hes 18 he can do whatever the f he says he wants like smoke cigerettes,have sex get tattoos (he has 2) and come and go as he pleases and live in our home with no rules.and his mother lives 30mins away and has been hateful to me for the whole 8years while i raised her son.just a couple of weeks ago i took my stepsons computer it had porn all over it as well as he ordered drug paraphanelia to our home with it..hes been busted with pot and given a warning.however his nonexistent mother showed up at my house called the cops and they made us give the computer and playstation back...that night i realized we as parents have no say and if you wait till their 18 your definately on your own..the polices only advice to us if he doesnt respect your rules then evict him and he will have to leave..he works ,has at least4,000 saved but yet hes still here and now with a lock on his door.exasperateing..i understand how you feel wanting to change your life to be there more however we are both at the mercy of our children..i dont think your daughter would have done that with the email unless maybe she was convinced too.out of loyalty to her dad..honestly i have watched my daughters shut down and block out truths about their dad and wouldnt reading nwhat she read hurt her?and who would benifit.?i wish i could lift your spirits more i am reading this book to keep my sanity and try to understand that its a phase however haveing your child ignore you,say hateful things or just not be there to hug,kiss or love is so hard to accept when your heart craves it.and you hope that that light bulb will come on and they will be able to express that love again..your not alone!keep your spirits up their will be better days .there have to be right?

[iamthestepmomx4]

dear torn.i can understand how your feeling.should i do this or should i do that.unfortunately my daughters hold the key to how much of a relationship they will let me have with them..they are teenagers now and haveing divorced my ex in 98 i completely understand.he took all our money,evicted me and our to young children and mentally,emotionally and physically abused me throughout our marriage..my daughters saw this..he left us with no home,no resources and for 3years i raised them alone as well as with my older daughter.haveing survived the divorce,a hysterectomy,a death as well as a suicide in my family.i was so lost and didnt think i could survive alone.until i met the man whoses now my husband.then my ex came after my kids and me full force-the i am not letting anyone be a father to my kids he said..he took me to court and amazeing he had a lawyer i did not and he won custody of the only thing left of me my kids.my girls seemed to forget what their daddy did to me.he hung the stars the moon and sky..and i am somehow the bad guy for stateing what are simply the facts.they turn off and get mad at me.i am 700 miles away from my daughters.my ex worked on my middle child so that she begged me to sign the custody papers she was only in second grade.i had to get therphy for my family and their father has refused theres ever been a problem emotionally for my daughters..but their has.my ex has continually used the custody card to keep me in line..me driveing 700 miles from where i live to see them and him sending them away at the holidays.now for the past almost 3years my middle daughter has quit comeing up for summer visit..to be with friends,etc and barely talks via phone or internet while my youngest does.my ex told her she was old enough to chose whether to see me,love me....so i keep trying to break down the wall between me and my now 16 year old.my ex remarried as well and she brought another child into the mix .with his wife calling me saying he was abuseing my children sexually...he was investigated several times.. human resources didnt think there was a problem..so my daughters endure his abuse with her and her with them and somehow even though they divorced the kids are upset with me..they still have the dream me and their father will be together.even though ive remarried and the man i married has a child whose a boy and now 18 i ve been in his life for 8years.he doesnt respect me,has put holes in my walls for simply takeing a ipod as punishment which i wish i had red dr bradleys book sooner i would have realized that doesnt work.for years hes done drugs now hes 18 he can do whatever the f he says he wants like smoke cigerettes,have sex get tattoos (he has 2) and come and go as he pleases and live in our home with no rules.and his mother lives 30mins away and has been hateful to me for the whole 8years while i raised her son.just a couple of weeks ago i took my stepsons computer it had porn all over it as well as he ordered drug paraphanelia to our home with it..hes been busted with pot and given a warning.however his nonexistent mother showed up at my house called the cops and they made us give the computer and playstation back...that night i realized we as parents have no say and if you wait till their 18 your definately on your own..the polices only advice to us if he doesnt respect your rules then evict him and he will have to leave..he works ,has at least4,000 saved but yet hes still here and now with a lock on his door.exasperateing..i understand how you feel wanting to change your life to be there more however we are both at the mercy of our children..i dont think your daughter would have done that with the email unless maybe she was convinced too.out of loyalty to her dad..honestly i have watched my daughters shut down and block out truths about their dad and wouldnt reading what she read hurt her?and who would benifit.?i wish i could lift your spirits more i am reading this book to keep my sanity and try to understand that its a phase however haveing your child ignore you,say hateful things or just not be there to hug,kiss or love is so hard to accept when your heart craves it.and you hope that that light bulb will come on and they will be able to express that love again..your not alone!keep your spirits up their will be better days .there have to be right?

[Skye]

As I understand it, your main goal is to get close to your daughter and strengthen the bond between you. I would get a second job, bite the bullet, work hard to keep that second bedroom for her to stay in whenever she wanted to.

With a second job, maybe you would have enough money to invite her to go shopping with you to find things to decorate the room to make it hers. A new quilt or bedspread, little throw rug, pictures for the walls, etc....even searched for at a yard sale, and second hand thrift shops can be a fun way to spend a morning or afternoon.

That would help with the bonding, and make her feel more connected to the bedroom at your new place.

I think the best thing you can do is, when you are with her, let her know how glad you are to be near her, and how much you love her. She will see through your actions that you care about her.