When Little Rebellions Affect Bigger Things

[cuttingedge_mom]

Hi...I'm the mother of a 15 y/o daughter who is a known "cutter". She's been in therapy for that and on Lexapro for suspected mild depression for a while now and seems to be doing very well from that standpoint. In fact, she seems to be doing well from a lot of standpoints and I feel a little silly coming here since we're so far past the CRISIS (cue doom music) but are now dealing with the day-to-day frustrations of living with a half-sane, half-crazed teen.

For all intents and purposes, our daughter is doing great~~she's a volleyball player, good student, doesn't smoke, drink or drug (that we're aware of) and is very open with us about such things, including sex (which she maintains she is not having). We really have a good relationship most of the time.

Sometimes she does that thing where whatever I've told her, or her father has told her, or we've agreed upon as a trio, well, it just doesn't apply (in her mind). Like, her boyfriend came over last week. Very very nice boy, respectful of us and of her, polite, couldn't ask for more. He's been here before, once. Before he arrived this time, I couldn't help it, I very calmly and non-accusingly reminded her that they didn't need to be in her bedroom. She says "Okay", and shortly thereafter he arrives. Shortly after that I come out to greet him...and they are in her room. Yes the door was open. She was on the computer trying to finalize their plans with friends and he was lying on her bed. I'm standing there wondering if I've started speaking Swahili. But I wait for a moment alone with her and gently remind her and he comes out to the couch. So I let this go~~I figure, if I ask her WHY she'll have no idea, and she's already aware that I'm aware that she did what I asked her not to, so I'm not gonna overbeat the pooch. I'm not gonna beat the pooch at all.

Last night...her dad finds her online chatting with friends at 11pm. Now we have agreed, after family discussion, that her internet curfew is 9:30pm. Ironically enough, neither Dad or myself are opposed to flexibility of the rules on weekends or holidays~~and she KNOWS that she can come to us at any time if she wants to discuss, contest, or otherwise fuss about the rules. If she presents a viable case, we have been known to change them. However, her previous behavior in relation to that rule plays a big part in our desire to be flexible. She knows this also. So last night Dad reminds her of the time, confirms that she remembers making the agreement, and spends the remainder of the evening wondering when it was that HE started speaking Swahili.

This evening she wants to go to her boyfriend's house, where his mother will be in attendance. I have met her and spoken with her, she seems level-headed, but I don't know exactly what she does and does not permit in her home as far as they are concerned. I don't think I should have to call her and give her a list of Dos and Don'ts~~this is where trust between my daughter and I comes into play, for me. I explain to my child that although I do trust her, and I WANT to trust her, when she offhandedly and for no reason disregards the rules right under my nose, I have a difficult time seeing how I'm supposed to trust her to "police" herself elsewhere. I went so far as to assure her that I don't think she and her boyfriend are gonna run in any bedroom and jump each other, it's just a matter of principle to me. She seems to understand this.

I guess I just resent being put in the position of having a hard time trusting her based on the stupid stuff she does at home which I generally chalk up to her temporary insanity issues. I did tell her that when she disregards my rules, or rules we've agreed upon, I feel as if she's telling me in no uncertain terms that she doesn't respect me. Then I wonder if I shouldn't have said that.

Ugh. Anyway, I guess I just needed to push this out there...sometimes we feel like we're out in left field as parents with what we feel we can and/or should expect, and what we have a right to expect (or at least, expect an effort at). Thanks for reading this huge post. By the way, I think the book is WONDERFUL.

ce mom

[MLL]

THANKYOU !!! I now know what language my husband and I have been speaking. I was certain it wasn't English based on the effect ( or lack of effect ) it was having on our 14yr son.

Actually if your post had been about a son, I would have thought I had written it myself. Cutting last year, medication for depression etc. The depression is much better, but once you have been through that, it is so hard to try and react in a reasonable manner to some of the more normal teen issues.

Our son has quite a wonderful range of friends, soup to nuts.... punks to nerds. One of my favorite things about him is that he likes the person, not the click they belong to. But one of his best friend's is multi-multi pierced. We have had many talks about the fine line between fashion and self-harm. We are adamant that until he is several years from his problems with self harm, this is not a fashion statement we will let him make. ( Thankfully that gets him pretty close to the point where it would be his own adult decision anyway) We are REALLY supportive of the Hair statements. His is now a real Mohawk. I've even asked kids I see, what their tips are for the spikes. ( Elmers Glue, go figure :) Our only concern was how to get his head covered for Synagouge. He feels more comfortable with it down then anyway, but I told him we'd figure out a way around it if he wants.

I've also had the same concerns with "family rules" when he's not with the family. I agree going to someone else's house is where you really step out on the wire and hope the trust / judgement is working. Our recent issues with that were because my husband picked him up from a house party ( with parental supervision) and he had taken 50mg of valium, and spent the night in the emergency room. I have made it very clear to him that what went into his mouth was his responsibility alone. But that is now a house he is no longer allowed to go to. I have explained that I have nothing against the parents or daughter, but it was a party where he showed incredibly bad judgement, and we won't take that risk again. Now he knows the state I find him in after every outing, will determine if he can return or not. I feel like we had a very close call, but it allowed us to make an excellent example of it.

I've also been very keen on letting not only my son, but all his friends know my stand on these issues, not with regard to their behavior elsewhere, just what I will and won't allow in our house, and what the concequences for our son will be if we find out ( key point there ) he's broken family rules elsewhere. He knows I can't be everywhere, but so far I've found out engough that I think he takes this more seriously.

We have also gotten the teachers on board and they are sending me a report every 2 weeks so I know if he is caught up in school work, not so much the grades, but is he holding up his end by handing in all his assignments ( that alone has him back in the A/B range) He knows these reports will determine his weekend plans, and he's really taken ownership of this. Every report has been good. I've tried hard to keep reminding him of what a huge turnaround he's made at school, and that he is doing it himself, he just needed the right motivation to get him going.

So all this just to say , you and your husband are certainly not way out in left field in my opinion. Or if you are, left field is getting pretty crowded :) I'll bet your daughter respects you plenty, you got her through some pretty tough stuff. I don't think kids ever forget that. They are just "insane" sometimes. Guess we wouldn't be here if we didn't all believe that :)

[cuttingedge_mom]

Thanks for responding, MLL:)

We have set up with our daughter's new school (she started high school this year) the same thing we had in the middle school when the cutting started~~the school psych calls her down for about 20 minutes about once a week to touch base and give our daughter a chance to talk for a few moments about how things are going for her in the school setting and elsewhere. We were extremely lucky when she was in middle school, the psych there realized in conjunction with our daughter's "outing" as a cutter that there was a not uncommon number of female students within my daughter's peer group who were also cutting, some were also cultivating pretty aggressive eating disorders. She basically formed a group that met weekly in her office, obtained permission from all the parents to do this, and the girls included a few friends who were not engaged in self-harm but were nonetheless close to the group. They had discussions, they attacked problems amingst themselves during group, they even wrote a book of journal entries, poetry, short stories, letters, etc. In conjunction with our daughter's outside therapist and her psychiatric care and medical treatment, I believe that what this psychologist arranged for our girls was invaluable.

At the time our daughter didn't know of or rather did not speak of knowing of any boys who cut. However, since she began high school she has met and made friends with several boys who have been engaged in cutting behavior.

It's interesting to me that on the two occasions where my daughter was "outed" about cutting, suicidal gesture, or any other self-harming activity, it was by another cutter. I have had to really look at the fact that although she has many friends who also struggle with this compulsive and addicitive problem, it seems that of the friends she has chosen, NONE of them want any one to hurt themselves. They'll rat each other out to school counselors and psychs even knowing that they could be risking the friendship. I really think they understand each other in that they know how it feels to be compelled to do something you don't want to do. My daughter tells me that by the time she decided to stop cutting (and subsequently found that she couldn't without help) she was cutting every day~~if she didn't, she didn't 'feel right'. She and her friends have helped me to understand the nature of this problem so much. I am so grateful for their willingness to be open with us.

I am hopeful for your son. I am hopeful for all teens who are hurting themselves or fighting the urge to do so. Our daughter has been through some pretty grueling sessions and taken some big risks in trying out new, safe 'outlets' for her anger and sadness. I know it's something that she has to deal with every day, one day at a time, like any addict recovering from an uncontrollable obsession. I understand it's not easy. Being able to speak frankly with her about it and have her share her thoughts and feelings, along with hearing her friends talk about their own struggles has helped to remove so much of the 'stigma' of cutting, for me at least. Because two years ago when I sat in that office and my daughter tearfully pulled up her sleeves to show me her arms, I felt like my heart was being torn from my chest. I could hardly BELIEVE what I was seeing. I was horrified.

It takes a lot to walk through this with your child, to walk through any and all of this stuff. I don't know where the fortitude comes from, but somehow after all the crying and self-blame and feeling absolutely like my soul has been wrung out, there's just enough strength in the pit of my stomach to keep going. But man, is it ever tough.

Your son is very lucky to have you. I think really all our children are lucky that we're willing to hurt and grow with them the way we do.

hugs.

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