Grades, Stress & Lies

[sleeplessinal]

Dear Dr. Bradley,

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have one son that is 15. He has always maintained an overall A average in school except for the end of the 8th grade and now the first two 9 weeks of his 9th grade year. Progress reports were brought home last Tuesday. However, he did not bring home one for Geometry. (He's in all advanced courses). We asked him about it for several days but he just kept saying that he had not received it yet. Well, we found out Friday that he had received it, and that he had a D in the class. Partly because he had chosen not to do a project for the class. Although we have always stressed good grades to him, we have also stressed that he can come to us with any problem and that we're there for him. But, it's the lies that we're having trouble understanding. When we confronted him, he said that he just wanted to hide it as long as possible. This is not the first lie that he has told, but most seem to center around his grades. He's a great child. Well-rounded, active in sports and at church. He has friends and has them over night at the house and goes to their house. Due to the lying, we have taken all privileges away, including, TV, computer, X-box, and driving. We don't know what else to do. We have taken some privileges away before when he brought his report card home, but that didn't seem to help. We feel that our trust has been breached. We have talked with him calmly and told him that he we would all have to work on the trust issue. Any thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Grades",
First, before we continue, take a quick tour around this website and ask how many parents would switch problems with you in a heartbeat. In the world of what can go wrong with a teen, you're doing great. Goal #1 is to keep it that way.
So, second, think about what a great kid you have, how lucky you are that he is your son, and go and tell him that.
And then, third, give him back his stuff. Tell him that there is no "take-away" that rebuilds broken trust, and that beyond all else you want him to be able to be up front with you. Try and not view his lying as a criminal act, but as embarrassment. He likely feels as if he's letting you all down by ducking his schoolwork, and then letting you down more by lying about it.
So view his lying as cry for help. Try and work with him on a plan for doing better at school. That might include a stuctured homework time and place, and weekly updates from his teachers that can earn him rewards if they are good. Have him work with the school counselor on other study/homework tricks that can help him organize his work and study habits.
Finally, go back to step number one (above) and keep focused on your number one priority here: keeping your relationship with your son healthy. That will give you access to his heart which in turn will keep him safer from the real insanity in this world.
God, Mother Nature, or whomever you pick has built a safety net for kids who do poorly at high school. It's called community college. Many kids boot high school, whack themselves in the head, go and learn how to study at their community college, and go on to do just fine in this world. Their are no safety nets for the lost heart of a child, including those lost because parents started wars over high school grades. I've seen too many of those wars, and never came out thinking that the cost was worth it. Remember that if you lose your bond with your child from terrible fights about grades, there is a lot of evil out there just waiting to take your son away. Save your ammo for the important battles over the things that can really hurt him (sex, drugs, and violence).
Congratualtions on having such a fine son!