What to do

[whatever4]

I recently read "the book" and am beginning to implement as much as possible. My children are 23, 18, 16 & 15. The recent discovery of a stash of needles in my son's room caused us to purchase it-had we purchased it much sooner we probably wouldn't be here. Both my 18 & 16 are currently doing heroin, pot & I also found a bottle of Adderall (sic?) in his room for which he does not have a prescription. They both went through drug treatment programs last year obviously without success. The 16 year old now wants to detox but on his terms (1 week in Florida). Neither of them adhere to any of our rules and we have never accepted drugs or alcohol nor use either.

Here is a sampling: My 16 year old is a battle to wake up every morning for school. Finally I said that I would no longer wake him up and if he did not get up he would be ground for two days. He also could not opt to rise later and go to school at noon. Afternoon comes and he informs me that he forgot he had a dinner date. I told him he could not go as he was grounded..the games began. He then kicked the stair railing, threw a glass against the wall and went to his room. I let that go thinking I will address it when he is more reasonable and at least we have won the bigger issue.

Around 8:30 I noticed that he was no longer in the house, my husband informed me that my son went for a walk. He arrived home 2.5 hours later..stoned, telling me he was walking in the woods.

He was in therapy but stopped going. My 18 year old refuses to go period....where do we go from here? What do we do in a situation like this when the rules, even when we have them, don't matter and they continue to break them? How do I respond to his leaving the house and going out? A last resort is to involuntarily commit them both but this is not something I want to do. I would prefer a private clinic somewhere..or maybe that's not the answer.

I would appreciate any advice.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
The first thing to do is to IMMEDIATELY find a good adolescent shrink (psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor) to work with you and your husband on developing a plan to help these kids. That person needs to first get a full history from you to provide you with considered recommendations on what to do in your specific case. That said, here are a few thoughts for you.
This is indeed crisis time for these boys. Heroin can kill quickly. That means that you must act quickly and perhaps even radically in ways that might actually risk your sons' lives in order to save them. Forcible commitment (in most states) won't work since usually a kid 14 or older can only be committed if he is a serious risk to himself or others. Drug use is usually not legally seen as fulfilling that definition (amazingly). And in most states, even when someone is a potential risk, that person can only be held for a short period of time (2 or 3 days). Here are some other options that parents have used. But before you select one, get your own shrink to advise you.
-Tell the 18-year-old that he has two choices. One is to develop a plan for sobriety that includes treatment, drug tests, and rules adherence. The other is to leave your home. If he chooses option two, yes, he might die on the street. But the odds of him recovering after being thrown out are higher than if you allow him to stay in your home and do drugs like heroin.
-Tell the 16-year-old that he has essentially the same options, except that option two for him will be you calling the police to turn in his drugs and paraphernalia. At his age, that will likely trigger court-enforced drug treatment and testing. Check with a local attorney on this prior to electing that option.
With both boys, present these options after telling them that you simply love them way too much to allow them to slowly die as they are doing now.
I'm so sorry that you are faced with these nightmare choices. But please keep in mind that if you continue to enable your sons' addictions, they have a much higher chance of losing their lives to these drugs. Your boys are out of control and they desperately need others to take charge of them. Part of them likely knows this, and their outrageous behaviors with you might be that voice in them crying out for someone to take over before it is too late.
Move quickly, and keep us posted. You are in my thoughts and prayers.