14 year old out of control!

[leighb]

I'm new to this forum but need help urgently.

My 14 year old daughter has begun lying and sneaking out. It began when she was 'seeing' a boy who seems to get into a lot of trouble - smoking pot, stealing, expelled from school, fighting, etc. I tried to help him straighten out his life by being there for him to talk to, supporting him etc, but his behavior got worse. Everything came to a head when he stole from my house. I banned him from seeing my daughter. She promptly (which i expected) snuck out to see him. I gave him a second chance, with the caveat that they wait two weeks before seeing each other as punishment. Although she was grounded and her father (my ex) agreed to honor the restriction, he took her to a friends house and she went to a dance with the boy. He also lied about knowing about it, so basically he enabled this to happen.

We restricted her even further at that point and all second chances for the boy were called off. Things have been boiling over with her temper and attitude towards me until this past weekend - she went too far (again) and left the house without permission. I took away track - she had joined the track team - and she ran away last night. To the ex boyfriend's house. It didn't even take me an hour to find her, knowing her the way i do. Now, i lost my temper and slapped her, but only once. I brought her home and we talked things out and then finally went to bed. This morning she informs me that she is still 'mad at me' and will be going to track. I very specifically told her that she was staying at school and attending 'homework club' until i arrived to pick her up.

I left work early because i know this kid and sure enough, she was walking down the street a few blocks from school when i arrived. Immediately she began making excuses about WHY she had to leave without permission. I drove to the school and have made arrangements with the principal for after school care AND have an appointment with a counselor for tomorrow.

She called her father and told him i beat her. He's threatening to come over and take her against my will. She continues to be completely defiant and unrepentant. I do not want to let her go with him because he a) uses drugs and b)enables her bad behavior with no consequences for her actions. I won't even consider letting her go until i speak to a therapist.

In the meantime, the entire family is in turmoil and I don't know what to do to make this better. I've tried letting her earn back priviledges, but she just lied about what she was doing and yelled at me when i called her on it.

HELP ME!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
You are at a very critical point right now in your relationship with your daughter. Until the therapist can help sort out what's going on with you guys, call a truce. Stop fighting over these "who's in charge" control issues that are tearing apart your connection to your daughter. Stop the take-aways and threats. If she wants to do track, let her. Don't ever take away an activity where she can get exercise, feel good about herself, and hang out with achieving, hard-working kids (vs. her boyfriend).
Do something radical. Wave a white flag in her face, and ask her to just listen for 2 minutes. Tell her that you are sorry that you make her so mad so much. Tell her that you've been over-reacting because you've felt so scared. Tell her that there was no excuse for hitting her, that you screwed up, that as the adult it was your job to stay in control, and you failed. Tell her that you love and miss her. Then just walk away. This might help both of you remember what's truly important, namely that you love each other. From there perhaps you can rebuild new agreements about how to live together.
Remember, the idea is not to control her life now, but to start to help her control her own life.
Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Nanashi]

Her dad might do drugs but at least he is not violent; he might not be trying to control his daughter but at least he has enough self-control and self-discipline to not hit his kid just because he "snapped."

I hope the father gets the custody soon. Living with a substance-dependent dad is much better than living with a violent mom.

"Just" once is not an excuse. You hit her once, you hit her one too many times.

[Hermom]

Nanashi, your reply was so unkind. Yes, it could be that this mom lost control of herself in the moment, but as the ex-wife of an alcoholic/drug abuser, I can assure you that this girl's dad is ALWAYS out of control, and entirely unfit to parent.
Where is it written that parent's can't make mistakes? If anything, a mistake is a glorious opportunity to deliver an apology.

[Nanashi]

Nobody says parents aren't allowed to make mistake; some mistakes are forgivable, others aren't.

Try slap your boss at work and then complain that you got fired for "just snapped," for "only slapping him once." Try slap a stranger and see if he will say "it's okay, you only hit me once." Try slapping a friend, a parent... anyone, is THAT acceptable?

I don't know why people think it's more acceptable to hit children. "I only hit her once and she is mad at me! What kind of disrespectful child is that!?"

I agree, I am not kind. Some people deseve more kindness than others. Those who use violence against children are not on my list.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Folks,
I'd like to inform (or remind) everyone reading this thread that Nanashi is a very courageous young woman (not a parent) who told us about her being raised in a brutal home where beatings were a frequent method of "discipline" (please search Nanashi's previous posts).
To us parents I'd like to say that Nanashi's notes are powerful reminders of the devastating effects of what we like to call "corporal punishment" or "spankings", things that are approved of as appropriate discipline by most American parents inspite of the science that proves otherwise.
To Nanashi I'd like to say that if you ever becomes a parent one day, your own daughter might provoke you so much that even you might slap her despite your strong nonviolence beliefs. Being human, most of us lose control sometime. I think "Leighb" realized that she was wrong for having hit her kid, and felt terrible about it. In fact, that slap may have caused her to reach out for help before things got worse. Nanashi, the difference is that where Leighb admitted her failing, your own parents have apparently never admitted theirs, causing your wounds to never heal. Please make that effort to get some counseling if you haven't yet. I promise you that the counselor can help those wounds to close a bit. Isn't it time to stop the hurting?
You are in our thoughts and prayers.

[Hermom]

Oh, OK...I wasn't familiar with Nanashi's other posts, and just assumed that she was another parent visiting this forum.
Nanashi, please know that I'm no stranger to child abuse. My own father was horribly abusive of my step siblings and my one biological sibling. I was the "favored" child, and so for some sick reason I was spared his wrath. You could say I suffer survivor's guilt because of that. Anyway, my point is that I don't condone corporal punishment and don't believe it's the right way to raise kids, but I could identify with Leigh's momentary lapse of judgement, because I could sense the regret she felt over her act.
Dr. B is right...finding a compassionate therapist can go a long way towards helping you heal your own wounds. My brother has never healed, and he's a broken 43 year old man now, his pain even stronger and compounded by regret. So, while you're still young and have so many precious years ahead of you, DO take the time to heal yourself, so that you can go on to enjoy all the wonderful stuff that life has to offer.

[Nanashi]

I will just say that drug use does not automatically imply or connote to being out of control. I will accept that a parent is unfit to handle a child when he lashes out with or without a habitual use of drugs.

I think people who abuse their position of authority and misuse children's trusts are the lowest. I don't mind getting angry when I encounter parents who do use violence on their docile children. I wonder how many parents will "just snap and hit a child/teenager once" if they know their victims are likely to stand up for thenselves and fight back in self-defense. My docility was what enabled my mother to continuously hit me for years; my anger was what got me out of that home at 15. I think anger is not always bad.

I understanding snapping, I disagree with use of violence when you snap. If I ever become a parent, because I know impulse-control is not my strong point, I will definitely remove myself before a situation escalates to a point where I am able to use violence.

Lastly, Dr. Bradley, and "Hermom," thank you for the blessings. I've been to a few concelling sessions already and I plan to continue once my financial situation gets better. (having troubles with tuition fees right now.)

[Hermom]

Nanashi, if you're on campus, don't overlook the value of the school counselors as folks you can take your personal issues to. I know a therapist would be better, but if funds are not there, then still it's better to have someone you can share with. I know when I was away at my first year of college I never would have made it without a school counselor's help.