consequences for teenager

[fathertime22]

My 19 y/o son recently was arrested for possession of marijuana and paraphernalia. This was a week after I found two marijuana pipes in his room (and later found out he had more). He initially moved out but wants to move back in. He wants me to write up the consequences for his behavior and have twenty people look at them and tell if they agree with them or not. His contention is that he's nineteen and wants to make sure consequences are acceptable by others. My contention is that it's his home but my house. I may / may not have any respect for the individuals asked, but that how I run my home and any consequences are none of their business. I wouldn't go to their home and tell them how to run it or what would be appropriate for their kids. What do you think? and as a bonus for him, what do you think would be acceptable consequences? I find it unrealistic to expect myself or any other parent to run their home by consensus based on what they may/ may not think of my choices.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Father,
The only folks who should have a say in your family rules are the members of your family who must live with those rules. And the only rules that will work are those agreed to by both sides, not one set imposed by anyone else.
If that negotiation process bogs down, then by all means see a "helper" as someone who can help you guys communicate better as need be to facilitate that process. But most good helpers will tell you both that the rules are up to you guys. The secret here is that it's not the rules that can make things work, but rather the fact that the two of you can begin to work together calmly and lovingly to get through this tough time. That act of connection can create a magic of respect that can be very healing.
Take care and good luck.