Am I making a mistake?

[123mom321]

I'm brand-new to this forum. I've read some of the previous posts and I realize my "problems" with my 13-year-old son are pretty innocuous. However, part of my fear is that my son may be headed down a difficult path. I'm afraid that, 2 years from now, I might look back and say, "Oh yeah, that's when it all started."
From what I've heard from other parents, he is a typical 2nd child. His 2-year-older brother is intellectual, mature, not exactly a "jock," responsible, well-liked, etc. Child #2 seems to be trying to be almost the opposite of his brother. He's also bright, but he doesn't seem to take the same pride in good grades, so his grades are not as high as they could be. He's always been athletic. He's argumentative, a "ladies' man," questions parental authority, accuses my husband of yelling at him when, in reality, he's speaking in a very calm, quiet voice, prone to dishonesty, has started to say derogatory things about attending church (I would not be surprised if he someday soon announces he is not going to church with us.)
The specific reason I am asking for advice is that, I don't think he was honest with me about where he was and what he did tonight. Yesterday, he said he and his buddies wanted to hang out downtown. I told him, as I've told him before, that hanging out is not ok. It's not respectful to the business owners and not respectful to the patrons of the shops in our town. I've driven through the parking lot and seen groups of teens hanging out and my first thought is always, "there's trouble waiting to happen." I told him he needs to have a specific destination and time-frame. So, tonight the plan changed into me dropping him off at the local movie theater at 7 to meet 3 other guys. They would grab a slice of pizza and watch a movie. I would pick them all up at 9:30 and drive them to one of their houses for a sleep-over. When I dropped him off, I pulled over to the other side of the parking lot to plug in and program my GPS because I was on my way to a fencing team parent social. I saw the 4 of them walking across the parking lot away from the movie theater. We live in a small town-no stores are open in "downtown" at 7 on a Friday night. A while later, I called him on his cell and told him he needed to text me when they figured out what movie they were going to see and when. He texted me they were going to see "High School Musical 3" at 8:00. My 1st reaction was, "Are you kidding-4 13-year-old boys voluntarily going to see that movie?" I called the theater and found out that movie is 1 hour and 48 minutes long. He called me to pick them up at 9:22, a good 25 minutes before the end of the movie. When I picked them up, 1 of them immediately said, "So, Frankie, what did you think of HS3?" The others answered stuff like, "Oh, it was so bad we left before it ended." In other words, they sounded too slick to be authentic.
After I dropped them off at the sleep-over, I called my son back and said, "By the way, when I pick you up tomorrow, I need to see a ticket stub. If you don't have yours, ask for one of the other guy's."

I'm upset by the possibility he lied about his whereabouts. If he lied, why? What were they doing? Dr. Bradley, I was at your lecture last night at Mendham High School and I can come up with all sorts of unsavory things that they could have been up to. But I have no proof. By asking for the stub, have I totally blown the chance of him ever opening up to me? Has he lost all respect for me? Is the concept of "trust, but verify" totally wrong? Will he try to be more devious and sneaky now?

I've also been told by moms of older boys that, in general, high school-age boys don't have sleep-overs unless they're planning something illegal/immoral/dangerous. The girls sometimes have sleep-overs and actually do each other's hair and nails, typical girlie stuff, but the boys apparently have sleep-overs for less innocent stuff.

I don't even know what I'll do tomorrow whether he has a ticket stub for me or not!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
I wouldn't move to the ticket stub technique at this point. Those strategies can backfire by diverting the focus here from the real issue to a "spy vs. spy" game of who can outsmart whom. You're much better off being direct and asking your kid flat out if he was really at the movies. If he claims yes, and you feel otherwise then abandon the endless argument of "no-you-weren't" "yes I was" and hit on that real issue of trust: "Son, in the future, please know that it would make me very sad to think that I couldn't rely on what you say to me. I love you and want to believe that I can trust what you tell me as being straight up. Thanks for listening."
With all due respect to the female specie girls can get into bad stuff at sleepovers just as easily as the boys. But with both sexes, be sure to give them that trust discussion above, and then let them have their parties (with good supervision) until it's proven to you that they have made bad decisions. Then, with that justification, you might have to stop the sleepovers for a while until their behaviors tell you that they're ready to try again. Remember that your goal is to teach your children to control themselves, not to control them.
Good luck and take care.