Still worried

[andersr4]

Hi, I'm in the process of reading your book and this has given me a lot of comfort. A few weeks ago I found some letters that my daughter had in her binder. They were written journal sytle, either matter-of-fact, or to herself. They mentioned drug use by herself and her newest set of friends. This choice of drug terrifies me. It is crystal meth. The first time she used it was last year in March. We found out about it in the summer. She swore up and down that she just tried it once and would never do it again. She has abused alcohol,mostly on the weekends, and weed, since her freshmen year. We noticed a big change in her the second half of her junior year. She always got good grades, had good attendance, and always did her homework. Now, her senior year, it's a struggle to get her up each day. She has chronic truancies and tardies, some grades are bad, never does any school work. She does have a job, which I am happy about. Back to her drug use, I panicked when I found out that she used meth again, at the end of September. I took away her driving priviledge, cell phone, and friends for about 3 weeks. I had her drug tested twice and it was negative. She first started seeing a counselor in the summer. He recommended she be evaluated by a psychiatrist for medication. Currently she's been taking Nortriptyline, 2 weeks today. She does seem to be able to get to sleep easier, but we still need to give it more time apparently. She's been experiencing anxiety since her sophomore year, which I thought was just typical for teens. She stopped seeing her counselor. He was a nice man, but not giving us much direction. Also he would never see us altogether. She thinks she can be strong and not use meth again on her own. I think she needs ongoing counseling. Also, she continues to see the boys who first exposed her to meth, saying that they don't do drugs around her anymore, and that they are her good friends and she's going to see them whether I like it or not. I am trying to be strong, but in the back of my mind, I'm scared to death she'll use meth again.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
Your kid's choice of drug is a most dangerous one that can very rapidly become wildly addictive to teen brains. Further, her other struggles (anxiety and possible depression) would make meth extremely attractive to her. Be aware that most times parents only see the tip of the iceberg when it comes to drug use, so her "2" uses might be 22 uses.
Given the dangerousness here I'm afraid you need to get more controlling with her. First, counseling should be a given, hopefully with someone well versed with drugs and teens, and weekly attendance at NA (Narcotics Anonymous) should be considered as a requirement by the therapist who assesses her. Second, given the "2" meth instances you know of, tell her that you love her way too much to put her in situations where she will be tempted to do a terrible drug that is that apparently so attractive to her (most teens know of the horrors of meth, and thus only 5% of 18-year-olds have ever even tried it once). Say that you are not picking her friends, but that you are trying to keep her alive. In that light tell her that her friends are welcome anytime at your house (I know you'll want to scream) but that she cannot hang out with them elsewhere.
These demands might provoke a war with your daughter so first get some advice from that counselor who knows your kid. But know that some wars are worth fighting, and this is likely one of them.
Good luck.

[andersr4]

You were right Dr. Bradley, we only saw a tip of the iceberg! Our daughter recently admitted that she used meth for a 7 month period......she has not used it since the end of October. The problem now is that she's been drinking alcohol 2-3 times a week. This last week she had it in a journal that she drank Tues., Wed., and Thurs. I did not want her to know that I read her journal, so I took her for a drug-test and had her also tested for alcohol. Of course she was positive for alcohol, negative on all the other drugs. She is not driving for awhile because of a serious speeding ticket, so she's very angry that this freedom has been taken away, but this has been for the best since I cannot trust her to drive if she's been abusing alcohol. We are having a big war over the friend issue still. We have had her delinquent friends over several times, tatoos,piercings,and all! We tried letting her go over to one of the friend's houses, which she's been doing for awhile, on the condition she test clean. The problem here is that she didn't think that included alcohol. Since reading her journaling, I see a drinking pattern, and it has usually been with these friends. She is going to be 18 on May 27th, are we doing the right thing? She wants her freedom and is going to be 18, but is making very poor choices. We have no choice with the car issue, but at this point I don't want her going to that house to drink anymore. She doesn't like this at all. We just started with a new counselor, and my daughter just went for a visit by herself on Friday. I asked for an appointment with just my husband and I, to go over how to deal with all of this. I also need to address NA or AA meetings.....I feel like time:confused: is running out before her 18th birthday, and I feel stupid for being so naive to all of this!

[andersr4]

Hello, again. My husband and I spoke with the new counselor this last Tues. I asked her about our daughter going to meetings, she said she didn't think she would be cooperative at this point. The counselor said that she would be working with her on the drinking/meth issue. After we talked for while, she suggested that I not read my daughter's journal, etc. She said that we were not going to like this, but that we needed to give her space,etc. I also went back and read the section in your book that deals with "privacy". My husband doesn't have a problem w/ this, but now that I know that she keeps a log of everything she does,including when she drinks, it's extremely hard for me to stop. I feel guilty because I've checked her things twice now, and now I'm not telling my husband about it, because I told the counselor that I'd stop. I still feel uneasy about her using meth again, so my justification was to continue on, and not let her know, or confront her with what I knew. The counselor said that our daughter will pick up on our panic and not understand why she's getting in trouble. I found myself staring at my daughter last night. She seemed out of it. Watching t.v., kind of zoned out. This a.m. on the way to school I questioned her about it, she yelled," don't start with the accusing **** again....then drug test me!" The counselor said that our daughter has low self-esteem and is introverted. We are to work on building trust, and giving her lots of praise. The trust part is going to be a real challenge for me, needless to say. Any feedback to this and my last post would be appreciated, thanks.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Sorry, but now that you got your kid hooked up with a helper you MUST pull back on the spying or it might blow things up so much that she refuses to see the shrink anymore. And that therapy is the gold you must preserve right now, even given the risks of not spying. In the long run her therapy is her best shot at beating her drug issues.
Hang in there and stop reading that journal. It will only make you pointlessly crazy.
Take care and keep us posted.

[parent]

I hope you listened to Dr. Bradley. Sometimes because of our motherly fears - wanting to protect our babies - it takes hearing the same message over and over again before we "get it".


I want to share my short story with you because I've been there and I understand your reluctance to give up the monitoring. In my case, even though I knew that checking my son's instant messages constantly was going overboard - I still did it. A year ago, because I did check his IM, I managed to create a pretty big drug bust in the next community. It was all over our local news - TV, papers, and Internet that a mom (never mentioning my name) called the town high school about a student who tried to bring heroin to her son.

That story alone justified my reasoning for continuing to check up on my son. I had it in my head that if I knew what he was doing at all times - I could stop it again. I knew it wasn't true but I couldn't seem to let go of it. Just recently (yes a year later I was still at it), I saw in his on-line conversations that he was being tempted to sell drugs. He's on probation, he had the dealers phone # written on his hand, so it looked like he was going to follow through. He has a few felonies. I wanted to stop it. I also wanted to stop this charade of "we have a small town that's how I know what I know" I'd say to him. So I FINALLY told him what I saw on-line. And do you know what? He denied that that conversation was real. He claimed he knew of my checking his IM's.. so it didn't matter.

It did matter. He hasn't been on since. But more importantly - I set myself up so I was free from doing that anymore.

I just found out the other day that my son is called back to court for a probation violation. This had nothing to do with what I knew on-line. Natural consequences handled that one.

As hard as it is, you must learn to let go - detach with love. I still struggle with concept, sometimes, because he's my son and I love him. It gets confusing for a parent. We confuse controlling with love. They are not the same.

Do you attend Al Anon? Perhaps you may want to see your own counselor to get you through some of this.

Since I'm in the begining stages of being an advocate in my community - I realized that I must be the best that I can be - not only for my son and our relationship but for the others I will be reaching out to.

I hope this helps........

[andersr4]

Hi, thanks for your response. Yes, I'm still struggling with letting go. I have attended 2 Al-anon meetings with a friend who encouraged me to go. Also my daughter's counselor suggested we start seeing our own counselor, my husband and I. We just sat in with our daughter at her first AA meeting. She broke her written aggreement and drank again. I really got a lot out of the AA meeting, more so than al-anon. Every young person who spoke said encouraging words about how they have been amazed at how they can make it without drinking. That maybe it is possible to live a life without it and that they can be accepted and learn to be happy. These people were between 22-35yrs. old. I was inspired to hear almost everyone of them say that God or a higher power was able to give them strength to overcome their addiction, and to continue on with their recovery. We are doing everything we can to help Carly, but I have been focusing on her more than myself. My friend gave me advice saying that if you work on healing yourself and you are happy, those around you will follow suit. We still have some issues to tackle, but I know we will get through this. My husband and I have been attending church more regularly, and last Sunday's message was that when we go through difficult times, it causes us to work on our character, and strengthen it. I've learned a lot through this process and maybe I can help a child or a parent in the future.

[andersr4]

Hi Dr. Bradley, my daughter saw her counselor yesterday and told her that she didn't want to see her anymore. The counselor called me in and discussed this with the both of us. The counselor said if Carly didn't want to get help, that it would be a waste of her time, Carly's, and my money. Personally, I thought she should have said this to me without Carly in the room, but I have not said this to her. Carly says, "What's the point?" I'm not going to go once I turn 18", which is May 27th. She also said that she's never going to completely open up. I talked to my husband last night and he said he wants to force her to continue. I worked so hard to find this therapist, and it's covered by our insurance! She had not used since 10-25-08, but tested positive for meth on Feb.20th, therefore I think she needs to continue with the counseling and AA, once a week until she turns 18, at least. She has a written agreement that she is to participate in a substance abuse program if she tests positive again. Also, two nights ago, Carly stayed out all night with a friend, and never called to let us know where she was, on a school night! Her friend's mom found them at 11:00 the next day hanging out downtown. I've grounded her for the next 2 weeks. The counselor also said she suspected Carly has oppositional defective disorder????, I've never heard of this, I just thought she was doing the typical crazy-brain-teen-stuff. She said Carly is not in reality, has no goals, and wants to hang out with friends and party. That she's very concerned about what will happen to her after she turns 18. She gave me a list of group home treatment centers for teens. AGGHHHH!!!!HELP!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.:eek:

[andersr4]

Hello again. Since my last post, my daughter is seeing her counselor again. It didn't take long for another problem to crop up and tell her that she has no choice in the matter. I had picked her up from school and she had alcohol on her breath. Then when we got home, she had called a friend to stop by, and I promptly went outside and calmly told him to leave. He complied, and my daughter proceeded to go inside and was raging. She pounded on a couple of framed photos in the hallway, and in the process got a cut on her hand. Things were getting out of control so I called the police. He spoke to her in the backyard for about 15 minutes. I appreciated this, since I've called the police before and sometimes the officer says about one sentence and leaves. We are plugging away, still working on our issues, and I'm very thankful my daughter's still in counseling. Any suggestions on how to get her to continue once she turns 18...on May 27th? I must admit I'm very sad about the fact that my daughter isn't going to her Senior Prom on May 2nd. She's never gone, and she says her friends don't want to go because there are too many restrictions on how kids can dance. It's her choice, but it's very hard to see her not participating in fun school functions like this. Our main focus right now is making sure Carly graduates with passing grades and gets her diploma! Thanks, Mom

[andersr4]

On a positive note, my daughter was asked to prom and is going this Saturday. She is still working at her ice cream job,for over a year now and always shows up 10 minutes early. My daughter is a trusted and loyal friend. She has a beautiful singing voice. She is very talented at piecing music on to videos. She's making a photo collage of her and friends with music for her family graduation party. When we are in crisis mode, it's hard to remember all of the good things that your child does. I've only written about all the crazy drama going on in our lives, just thought I'd point out some of the good. Mom

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
First, I'd ask the therapist to hang in with your daughter and see her even while she's resistant. The fact is that even oppositional kids will often unexpectedly start to talk when they're "forced" to see the shrink every week.
Second, consult with the counselor and a psychiatrist about possible med needs. Carly is getting a little old for those behaviors which might be masking an anxiety/depression/bipolar disorder.
Finally, sidestep the "when I'm 18" threats. Calmly say that at 18 or 80, as long as you support her, she must agree to certain codes of conduct that you think might save her life. Say that she's entitled to disagree, but that you love her way too much to allow her to do things that you believe could hurt her terribly.
Take care.

[andersr4]

Hello again Dr. Bradley....Carly has admitted to using meth again. After she graduated, and turned 18, she moved out with some friends for a few weeks, and is now back home again. She was so thin, that it was apparent she had been using. She moved back in on Aug.1. My strategy for now is to get her into a certified addiction treatment counselor. I met with him this week and with a bribe I got her to agree to listen to what he had to say on the phone, today. They talked for about 40 min. We spoke later, and his intent was to get her in sometime next week. I am not going back to her past counselor since I disagreed with her philosophy on anxiety and meds. She said that she was completely against medicating teens and didn't seem to think anxiety was an issue with my daughter. After all my research, it seems very obvious that Carly has anxiety and she has never been properly treated for it. Given the dangerousness of this drug, am I to use more bribes to get her to agree to going to the new counselor or just say while you are living here you have no choice in the matter? You always say to offer carrots before sticks.....also, a lot of that obstinate behavior she had with us before is gone. She has admitted that she is not happy, and that she knows she needs to quit. I have used your advice by telling her that we are very worried. I have told her that I think that she needs help beating this drug and that it's too hard to do on her own. That if she won't try the
counseling option, that we will be looking at outpatient/inpatient treatment options. She lost her job, so this actually helps since she needs money now. This is all so scary and hard to deal with as a parent, am I going about this the right way? MOM

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Check to see what your helper (expert) says, but my guess is that in-patient rehab would be the way to go. Meth is such a monster that being "away" for awhile (in a facility) greatly increases the odds of her recovering. That might give her the break she needs to effectively then use the outpatient counseling.
Be sure to get her a thorough physical exam ASAP since the toll on her body can be huge.
If it helps in this dark hour, know that recovery for most addicts involves some number of relapses, which if examined properly, can become learning opportunities to help get to that final recovery. The fact that your daughter feels humbled by her addiction ("have to quit") is a wonderful development, something that can help her tremendously as she gets ready for her next battle in this war.
Our thoughts are with you. Take care.

[andersr4]

Thank you for your response. Everyone seems to know that Carly needs inpatient treatment, but Carly. On top of the drug issue, which has become very serious,she is involved with a boyfriend who is using. We made the mistake of allowing him to stay here when she first moved back in, because we were so worried about our daughter that we thought this would make things worse for her, healthwise and for her safety. The counselor got us to see that Carly has only spiraled down more since she has been with this boy, and that we needed him out of the house. Since we asked him to leave, she has said she will not go to the counselor any more but will agree to drug testing, but now she is refusing to come back home unless it is with her boyfriend! I deactivated her cell phone, because she refused to set an appointment for a physical and for more antibiotics for a bladder infection. Yesterday she called saying she ran out of gas. We refused to give her money, and told her we were taking the car away from her. She and her boyfriend took off walking. I got a call last night from her asking if her and Adam could sleep in a tent in the back yard, and that I could drug test both of them! I said she could come home but not with Adam. I could not sleep well last nite and feel sick to my stomach. We are doing the right thing here aren't we? So we are to take away the car, the phone, and when she agrees to come home, then what? I don't foresee her agreeing to inpatient treatment at this point...especially with the boyfriend situation. I am extremely worried about her health and weight loss, so if she comes back home a physical will be a requirement, and drug testing. How do we get her to go to treatment at this point? The counselor called and said Carly's issues go deeper than what he can treat, and that she needs at least a 30-day-program. He saw the manipulating and defiant side of Carly and said that she is dug in, not wanting to get help from a counselor. Another one bites the dust! I don't know where they stayed last nite.....I worry about their safety, without the car to sleep in, and then I can't stand that I can't call her on her cell! To top things off Adam is homeless, and has no where to go but a local shelter, where he refuses to go of course, since he'd have to be clean. I never dreamed we'd have to go through anything like this....nothing can prepare you for it either. Thank you so much for all of your support, we will continue to fight this battle, somehow , someway..... I will never give up on my daughter! MOM

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Mom,"
Ask that counselor to continue seeing you guys (parents) to coach and support you through the "what to do now" issues to help you get that girl into rehab. In general, slowly and lovingly withdraw supports for her ("we love you too much to provide you with a comfortable home in which you can self-destruct on drugs") until she finally hits bottom and agrees to go. Anything short of residential treatment will likely be a waste of time which might actually make things worse in terms of increased risk.
Hang in there and keep us posted. These are your "medal of honor" days that will bring you comfort in your old age.
Good luck.

[Esprit]

When I reached this point with my son, the dreaded "changing the locks" to keep him out so as to "love him so much that I couldn't allow him to hurt himself", I was truly heartbroken. It goes against every instinct of being a mom. It was a scenario I could never have imagined and the world seemed like it had gone crazy.

When it happened, I armed myself with information by calling every rehab. in the area, having their phone numbers on hand as well as their policies for admission. I told my son that in order to return he would need to enter rehab. first. I made this extremely clear and then on some deep, deep level inside, I believed in it and steeled myself that I would not go back or falter on this no matter what it cost me. And he really tested this.

In order to keep up contact and a line of communication so that when the time came, he would reach out to me, we met for weekly lunches. Each one was traumatic. Each time, he was worse, getting closer to hitting that proverbial bottom. I'm not sure now if he even remembers this time at all.

When the day came, I was ready and rehab. became one "brick in the wall" of his ongoing recovery. It became a very important part.

I think all you can try to do is to know that it can't go on like that despite the horrible risks because the risk of letting it go on this way is the worse risk of all. Keep up the communcation, I'd personally turn the cell back on so that at that moment she says yes, she can call, and with all your info in hand, take her directly to a rehab. It has to be instantaneous. And then you can attempt to use it as a respite to recoup, just a bit, so you will be there for her when she is released.
I hope you have some resolution soon.

[andersr4]

To Esprit, thank you so much for your input. I just met with my daughter today. When I brought up the subject of rehab, she got very defensive. She said,"That's dumb if you think I'm gonna agree to go to rehab just to get my car back". I told her that it would be easier to attend city college classes next semester with a car. She said that she could take the bus. Anyway, I dropped her off at her boyfriend's grandparent's house, where she has been staying, on a bad note. I am feeling very frustrated now, because I feel that she is no where near hitting her "bottom". She's staying in a nice home, and with her boyfriend 24/7. She can call me anytime from their phone. I talked to the grandpa this AM and let him know that Carly is welcome back once she goes to rehab. He said that he was drug-testing them, but Carly said they've only been tested once. Anyway, it's very hard to give up control and wait this out. We met with our daughter's first counselor 2 weeks ago, and she advised us to break off all supports including cell phone, car, and money. To tell Carly she's not allowed home without going to rehab. My husband and I communicated all of this to Carly and she didn't seem very upset by it. She's very stubborn, and thinks her current living situation is indefinite and that she can stop using on her own, and that living there without her car is helping her. I told her that I think she's still not really ready to deal with her drug problem. So for now, my daughter is not needing or wanting to come home. I can't foresee this happening unless she gets kicked out of the grandparent's house. I'm having a hard time letting go of things beyond my control, I keep worrying about the insurance covering her rehab. She's covered until 19, longer if she's enrolled in school. Being a mom, I want her in rehab TODAY. MOM

[Esprit]

To Anders4,

You are so welcome! It sounds like you are doing all the things you need to. It's true, you can't control what's happening with her outside of your home, but by drawing that line in the sand that you won't cross...i.e. she must go to rehab in order to come home, you are also presenting to her the reality that she is currently not well and needs help. My son too ended up staying with a girlfriend who was using along with him. But one thing I believe, is that even though Carly is saying that everything is good, that she's fine in this arrangement etc, she doesn't really think so underneath. I'm sure she doesn't really like living in a strangers home or getting drug tested by someone elses parent. I'm sure she misses her parents and her home, car, all of that. And in meeting with her, everytime she sees you, even if you didn't say a word, you will represent to her health and normalcy and all that she has lost. After the first time, I didn't say a word to my son about rehab. in our meetings. As hard as it is you have to wait for her to ask to come home and then reinforce what has to happen.

Are you sure that she doesn't come in your home when you aren't there? We had to change the locks for that reason. My son was coming in while we were at work.

I know what you are saying about insurance. Since my son was unable to attend college until he was recovering, we did lose his insurance, but were able to get him covered for a time under my husband's benefits and cobra. With addiction issues insurance is essential! But really, I think that things might happen very suddenly and you will move on to the next phase. It is nearly impossible to not want to control what is happening. It's your child. I was the same way and because I was having post traumatic stress from the horrors of what this does to our children, I was "hypervigilant" a symptom of that.

Eventually, it all plays out. Things won't stay like this forever and you'll be ready to act because you've laid all the groundwork which is an amazing achievement in and of itself. And then she'll get better. My son did and I know Carly will too with the strong support and caring that you give her. Just please, try to take care of yourself. The toll it takes is incalculable.

[Esprit]

To Anders4,

Your very welcome!!! I responded to your last post, but I think it got lost or I hit the wrong button so I'll try to recreate it. I'm glad you saw Carly. It is hard that so much is out of our control in these desparate situations. One thing I came to believe though is that just seeing you, no matter what the conversation is, will remind Carly of all that she has lost. Because even though she says things are great, in reality, I doubt that she feels that comfortable living in the grandfather's house and I really think she'd be very uncomfortable being drug tested there. So while she may paint a picture that everything is great, I'd be willing to bet that deep down she knows that it isn't. After the first time, when I met with my son at these lunches, I no longer asked him to come home. It really was a line drawn in the sand that in order to come back he'd have to enter rehab. He too painted a picture that life was great and he too stayed with girlfriends, but really deep down, he was miserable and things were rapidly falling apart for him. After he entered the recovery phase he wrote about how awful that time period was for him. So while it may seem like it will take a long time, things could change suddenly.

In the meantime, you become a touchstone for her that just by being you, you represent all that she had and all that she has lost. That is where you have your power, even though we feel so powerless in these awful situations.

I think it's really, really good that you are in touch with the grandfather. What is his take on all of this? Would he become an ally and toss them out of his house if your counselor recommended trying this? Seems like he would not be too happy in the current situation either.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can and I hope you are somehow keeping yourself going as well. When I felt ready to disintegrate, someone stepped up and told me I had to keep going for him and somehow I did. We parents seem to be able to reach inside and find strength for our children when we think there is none left. You strike me as that kind of person.
I really hope things turn around quickly.

[andersr4]

To Esprit, Does this have anything to do with the clothing line? Anyway, I just noticed your new posts and was so comforted by them. Carly and the boyfriend were kicked out of the grandparent's last week. Then went to a friend's house a couple of nights, then the friend was moody and kicked them out! They slept downtown for 2 nights! I can't believe she did this....she called and asked if I could drop off a sleeping bag, and me being me, I did it. The worrying was not fun, but I actually was able to sleep. We live in a smaller town and it's pretty safe in the downtown area, but still.....I later found out they slept in the hopital waiting area until 2 a.m. and then in the parking structure. After the 2nd night, I received a phone call at 7:30 in the a.m. and she was crying and cold and wanted to sleep in our car in the driveway! She said the security guy kept making them move at the parking structure. I said no, and she eventually hung up on me. The sick feeling in my gut settled in, and the bouts of crying. I talked to supportive friends, etc. and started to feel better, then Carly called at 4pm in a good mood saying that a nice lady bought them breakfast, gave them $5, and told them they should have a church help them out! For the time-being they are back at the friend's house. It's funny that you mentioned her coming over when we are not home. My husband works out of the house and I work part-time, but she knew we went to a BBQ last night. We noticed little signs that she had come over. The peanut butter and bread were gone, and she didn't re-lock the front door. So far we have not considered changing the locks, because she's not really wanting or asking to come home. Also her big 23-yr. old brother is here, and does not like the boyfriend. The residential treatment research is very frustrating. What I keep hearing is that she is young and has not been in a treatment program yet. If she had failed at an outpatient program then they would pay for residential. Also the drug does not qualify as a drug you have to detox off of, such as an opiate or alcohol. This is ridiculous, since crashing from meth can cause severe depression and anxiety....it just sounds like another way insurance can get around not having to pay. I've been looking into Women only treatment places. Are we to drive her 4 hours away, do the assessment, only to find out that we would have to pay cash? Then turn around and drive to a second choice? Anyway, I can completely relate to the turmoil that you experienced when dealing with your son. The stress and worry have really taken a toll on me. I'm trying to get outside support, and to exercise, but Im having a horrible time with teeth grinding and tightening up my facial muscles Thanks so much for your support.....this means so much to me in this time of crisis. Andersr4

[Esprit]

To Andersr,

YES! Esprit is from my younger days when I had a *thing* for the clothing brand so much so that a good friend started calling me that!

As hard as everything you just reported is to deal with, it is all really good news. As long as you keep holding out like you are, I believe you are all set to move into the next phase ie. her recovery. I spent nights literally shaking and weeping as I envisioned him sleeping in his car or in danger and we are in a big and dangerous city. However, somehow I managed to focus on that end goal and not give in. It sounds like Carly is getting really, really close to getting help.

As far as the rehab., I was given that same kind of info. I was told my son wouldn't qualify for inpt. rehab because he wasn't using drugs he'd have to detox off of. I was told the best we could hope for was a 3 days stay in one place. I was told the very same thing about it having to be failed out-pt first. It really made me feel desparate as I knew that he needed more and he was seeing an out-pt therapist who agreed. One avenue is to request a letter from the out-pt therapist stating the need for treatment or for him to consult with the inpt. rehab. when that day comes.

But after all of that on the day my son agreed, I called the place that felt right, he was 19 or 20 (I lose track) at the time, and they said to bring him in for the assessment. It turned out that THEY decided and they recommended a full 28 days inpt. All the things I had been told went right out the window. In PA there is a law that the managed care insurance companies try to keep secret. The facility that I took my son actually invoked this law which automatically overrides what the insurance companies *say* is the coverage. As long as an admitting Dr./psychologist states that it must be an inpt. stay it can be overridden and I know that in Carly's case, you said her psychologist did recommend it. Of course you must be sure that the inpt. rehab. does contract with your insurance. And then when push comes to shove, be prepared, even right up a history yourself, I did and gave it to them so they knew the full extent. It is definitely a time for major advocacy. It makes no sense when the drug she is using is so very serious and so hugely addictive that they would try to say she may not qualify. It's horrible! Anyway, I sure hope you don't run into the scenario of having to go to a few places on the day she agrees. In pt. treatment really seems imperative in her case as she needs to be pulled away from the drug using friends. For my son, getting away from all of that was essential.

I was just talking today about how when I needed it the most, during all of this, I totally stopped exercising and have just now gotten back into it and the amount of stress I feel it relieving is amazing. All the terrible stress you are under, the toll it's taking on you every minute of every day, will all be wiped away by the joy of having your daughter well again. I can't wait til the day I read a post that she is safe and sound and starting the rehab. process.

I'm posting a second post with the PA law on rehab. so that maybe you can look into this for Ca.
Take care,
Esprit

[Esprit]

PA state law re: insurance companies and in-patient rehab:

According to Act 106, a person seeking addiction treatment through insurance coverage needs only a certification of the medical problem and referral by a licensed physician or psychologist. It is the doctor who should determine the patient's level of care and length of stay in an outpatient, inpatient or detoxification treatment program.

These days, "managed care" organizations would prefer to have a say in how much coverage a patient gets - thus determining how much treatment, and for how long. Under Act 106, managed care should not play a role in this determination, except to say what treatment facilities are in their network.

According to Act 106, all group insurance policies in Pennsylvania must pay for these minimum levels of treatment of substance addiction:


•Up to seven days of detoxification per year, 28 days per lifetime (hospital or non-hospital residential detoxification), 4 admissions per lifetime.

•Minimum of 30 days of rehabilitation per year, 90 days per lifetime (non-hospital residential)

•Minimum of 30 units of outpatient/partial hospitalization per year, 120 units per lifetime (outpatient/partial hospitalization)

All services must be provided in facilities licensed by the Department of Health to provide alcohol and drug addiction treatment services.

Again, managed care companies may not overrule the recommendation for length and type of care that is certified by the referring physician or psychologist.

If the health plan is an HMO, the patient does need to use an in-network facility. However, the doctor making the original referral does not need to be a member of the HMO's network.

[andersr4]

Well the day has finally arrived, Carly was admitted to a 90-day-residential on Friday. Things were getting pretty scary at the friend's house. Two sherriff cars showed up, and pointed a gun toward the friend, the dad called in saying there was an intruder. Carly and Adam were asked to leave, saying they were trespassing, and that they'd be arrested if they showed up again. I was feeling very uneasy about that house where she was staying, illegal stuff was going on there and I was getting a bad feeling in my gut. So thankful she's 4 hours away. Her options for places to stay had ran out. The timing of it all worked out very smoothly, we went to visit family in San Francisco for Thanksgiving, and dropped her boyfriend off at his grandparents before we left. The next day my husband and I drove her to the facility, so I was so proud of her for making the decision to go and not backing out. The hardest part for her was leaving her boyfriend. I phoned the Grandma and let her know our plans, and she agreed to let Adam come back. In fact Adam called me yesterday, and said he's considering going to treatment while Carly's is gone, and that his grandparents will pay for an inexpensive program nearby....so we will see. There's definitely a lot for our family to be thankful for this holiday season! Thank you Esprit and Doctor Mike for your support, this did so much to help us get through some of the most difficult times. I understand that we still have a long road ahead of us, but as you said Esprit, this is a very important part. Mom...andersr4

[Esprit]

Dear Anders4,

I am so very happy for what you have achieved for your daughter. You never gave up, you kept coping with each situation and kept moving toward what she needed to get well. What an incredible end result of 90 days of rehab. Somehow you moved mountains and held firm and at the end of all of this horrible pain and trauma for everyone involved you will have the greatest gift of all: your daughter Carly back. And during these 90 days, you know she is safe and working toward health.

I hope you'll be able to rest, sleep peacefully and do those things that can help to rejuvenate a bit of what this has taken from you. If the facility offers family involvement, although I found that part hard, it also gave me peace in seeing my son progress and just being with him.

I've been checking regularly in just the hope of seeing this very post. Thank god! Take care and continue to keep us posted. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
Esprit

[andersr4]

Carly has been in treatment for 7 weeks now, and has 5 weeks to go. She is doing so much better, and I am so thankful she's there. She's finally has been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, and is being treated for it. She's got a sponsor and is working through her steps. She has benefited so much from the classes there, on love addiction, assertiveness,nutrion, yoga, etc. As well as seeing a counselor once a week. Soon she will start some volunteer work. She sounds so much healthier, and developing friendships with the other girls there. We had a family visit at Christmas, which went very well. We are going for another visit this coming weekend. It's beautiful where she is staying, located near the beach. Carly and I have become closer through all of this, and we talk and text now regularly. Her boyfriend went to rehab for 30 days and is staying with his grandparents, doing okay as far as I know. Don't know how long this will last, but she will have to work through all of this herself. So I hope this helps other parents out there, wondering if they can ever get their child to treatment.....yes you can! I'm part of a mom's support group, and a new mom with a troubled 16 year old just joined. I pushed Dr. Mike's book, and she's already ordered the audio book...yeah! Take care all you parents out there....and remember, pray. Andersr4 Mom

[andersr4]

Carly has been in treatment for 7 weeks now, and has 5 weeks to go. She is doing so much better, and I am so thankful she's there. She's finally has been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, and is being treated for it. She's got a sponsor and is working through her steps. She has benefited so much from the classes there, on love addiction, assertiveness,nutrion, yoga, etc. As well as seeing a counselor once a week. Soon she will start some volunteer work. She sounds so much healthier, and developing friendships with the other girls there. We had a family visit at Christmas, which went very well. We are going for another visit this coming weekend. It's beautiful where she is staying, located near the beach. Carly and I have become closer through all of this, and we talk and text now regularly. Her boyfriend went to rehab for 30 days and is staying with his grandparents, doing okay as far as I know. Don't know how long this will last, but she will have to work through all of this herself. So I hope this helps other parents out there, wondering if they can ever get their child to treatment.....yes you can! I'm part of a mom's support group, and a new mom with a troubled 16 year old just joined. I pushed Dr. Mike's book, and she's already ordered the audio book...yeah! Take care all you parents out there....and remember, pray. Andersr4 Mom

[Esprit]

Andersr4,

How is Carly doing? I was thinking that she should be just finishing the rehab? Hoping to hear good news. Would really like to know what the experience was like for her and for you.
take care,
Esprit

[andersr4]

Hi Esprit, I've been reading your posts to "Parent" and just realized you posted a new response on my thread. I picked Carly up on Wed. and this all went very smoothly. I was happy to get a chance to meet with her psychiatrist, and he wanted to stress the importance of Carly continuing therapy for her social anxiety disorder. That this can affect her life as far as career, education, etc. and that she should continue treatment for it, otherwise she is at risk for depression. She is currently taking meds that are helping her. Carly looks amazing, so healthy, and has put all of her weight back on. She is starting a local outpatient program tonight as a matter of fact. This will include drug-testing, education, counseling, and support. At first, I thought this may be too intensive, since she just came from treatment, but her therapist and case manager recommended it. What I realized, is that this way she can hopefully develop a support group of sober friends HERE. Also, there's a family night on Thursdays, and we really need this, since this was not part of her treatment place. Her older brother is 23, and is still having a hard time grasping all of this, such as, "addiction is a disease", etc. We are all so happy to have her back, sleeping in her bed. She especially missed all of our pets. For now she is concentrating on the outpatient program, and AA meetings. Next step is looking for a job, then she's planning on enrolling at our local community college in the fall. One of her good friends took her to school today and showed her around, and she sounds excited about getting started with this. This whole experience has been very positive. For me, it was such a relief to have her far away from her drug friends, and not using. I could sleep at night! It was horrible waiting for her to decide to go, but well worth it in the end. I could never have made it without God, lots and lots of prayer, and lots of support from friends and family. She is still so young, only 18, with a lot of temptations out there, but she's on the right path for now and I am so so thankful. I hope you are hanging in there. The friend intervention sounds like a great idea. I too am worried about Parent's son. Doesn't sound good. I still would recommend you try Al-anon....you don't have to share. That's the good thing about it, you can just listen. People only share if they want to, and even if you share and start blubbering away, it doesn't matter! Everyone there will totally understand. A very caring and supportive environment. Take care, Andersr4

[Esprit]

Dear Andersr4,

What a wonderful post! I am so happy that you have your daughter back whole again! It gives hope to all of us...it really does. And everything you are saying about how it is for her sounds so good and so solid. I agree totally with her counselors about the intensive out-pt. After the structure of in-patient, I think it's very important to step down very gradually. It will give her such great support back in the community and will also continue to provide you with relief in allowing others to monitor her and just being able to step back and enjoy this most amazing gift and blessing of having her back!

Thanks for the encouragment about al-anon. I know I need it and still am scared of it. I see Dan's therapist myself for support and this past week, just from finally talking just a small, small amount about how I am *really* doing, I couldn't stop shaking for a full 30 minutes after which I was just limp like a rag doll. Because I just keep going and planning and intervening, but underneath the pain is unbearable. So to be like that in a group....just not sure I can do it. However, I need the support for sure and how you describe it sounds like maybe I'd survive a meeting!

Yes, I'm hoping the friend intervention helps if not now, at some point. Dan has amazing friends who are saddened by the changes they see. I'm awed by their willingness to jump in and know that the relationship they have is because, when well, Dan is an amazing friend to them as well.

The road you've walked with Carly has been incredible and I'm so happy that she has a mom like you. My best to you and your daughter. Sooo glad to hear such incredible news. I've been thinking of you often.

Esprit

[andersr4]

Just checking in. Carly is still participating in the local outpatient program and doing great. I, however, am dealing with the insurance company trying to deny coverage for her residential treatment. Unfortunately, here in lovely CA, we don't have Act 106. If we did, her treatment would have automatically been covered. The whole process is ridiculous. After my first appeal letter never arriving, even after it was sent certified mail with a signed receipt, I had to fax in copies to the appeals department. Then they sent a letter wanting all records relating to her treatment episode. I have tried to get a hold of the appeals department relentlessly, and all I get is a message machine and no return phone calls. So with a deadline fast approaching, all I can do is make copies of everything, fax and mail in her records, and hope for the best. I've been told by some, that you have to be persistent, that the insurance companies hope you'll give up. A pretty sad situation for this country, don't you think? Thank goodness they're paying for her outpatient treatment! I'll keep everyone posted on the outcome......Mom

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I once attended a seminar where an ex insurance company employee said that his department would routinely "lose" 25% of their claims in the hope that people would not persist in getting the treatment to which they were entitled. So, yes, you must be tenacious in fighting for the heart and soul of your child.
Perhaps consider writing a letter to your local newspaper and calling your local politicians for help. Since an election is coming, you might be surprised at the response.
Hang in there.

[andersr4]

So good to hear from you Dr. Mike! I will continue to fight the denial. I had thought of calling our local politicians, but I've never done this before. Now would be a good time to do it. As a last resort, we will use our legal plan which is a benefit thru my husband's company. We could get legal representation covered thru this benefit, so if need be, we will go this route. Today Carly is 5 months sober, on Earth Day! She's really enjoying life again and a joy to be around. I will be forever grateful to you and this site. Mom