parenting an 18-year-old

[venny57]

Just finished reading your book, Dr. B. How I wish I'd had it three or four years ago to prepare me for what we're going through now.

I have an acting-out 18-year-old son. His father and I are divorced (9 years ago); I am remarried (6 years ago). My son lives with his dad, somewhat unhappily, but by his choice (I still can't figure that one out - why would my son stay with his dad while telling me his dad is "mean," "stupid," "an *****," "a moron," "a jerk"?) Three months ago my son was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, oppositional defiance disorder and, if that weren't enough, drug abuse/addiction (marijuana). He's under the care of a shrink and on target to graduate from high school. My question is, what should the next step be? I'm finding it challenging to parent this legal adult.

Thankfully, he still respects the curfews I set for him when he's with us; there is no outright anger or raging going on. His father thinks he should be kept on a short leash and that going away to school in the fall is out of the question. I tend to disagree. I find myself erring on the side of giving this kid a little more independence (he is chomping at the bit to live in his own place or with a friend rather than with a parent). Wouldn't it be beneficial for my son to see, along with his peers, what real responsibility feels like?

In regard to my ex, I cannot be objective: in my opinion, he is an angry, controlling, emotionally abusive man (I lived with him for 15 years), and I think my son would do well to be out of that environment (my son actually lived with us for about 9 months last year but then went back to his dad's when his father took away his car for bad grades). My son is currently in an outpatient rehab program, taking regular drug tests, looking for a job. Unfortunately, he is in trouble with the law and faces a possession charge from an incident in January; that will be dealt with in a couple of weeks and we're expecting his being placed on probation.

This all feels so tricky to me. He's 18. Yes, he's been in trouble and made mistakes in recent months. Does that mean we should treat him like a 12-year-old for the foreseeable future? A real challenge for me recently is that I've not known how much of his bad behavior (lying, skipping school, traffic violations, etc.) should be attributed to bipolar disorder, the pot use or plain old teenage craziness. I think we're making progress, but I wonder when my "real" kid will emerge from the fog and what type of limits I should put on him in the meantime. Feedback would be welcome....my 20-year-old daughter was a breeze compared to this kid! :/

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Your questions are excellent ones which need to be answered quickly, but only by the shrinks who have been working with your son. Because your son is 18, they will need his permission to chat with you, and he might not be willing to give that. A better idea might be to ask to have a few "family" sessions where you can lay out your concerns and see if you can arrive at some answers.
Again, he must agree to this, so present it by saying that you are sure that you are making him crazy with some things that you do, and that sitting down together might help everyone sort things out.
Yes, you are correct. Parenting troubled 18-year-olds is very tricky since legally they pretty much viewed as adults. But everyone, including the 18-year-olds, know that they are not really adults, and that they still need skilled parenting. Your son likely knows this as well, so perhaps he will take you up on your request for family sessions.
Good luck, and let us know how you make out.

[Steven]

I have an18 year-old in his first year in college away from home. He is doing well academically in this highly rated liberal arts college. Since the end of his junior year of high school we have been providing intervention for self-destructive behavior (ie. alcohol, nicotine, pot, sex, rage, and anger). Until this point he was a straight “A” honor student. Intervention included therapists, psychologists, addiction specialist-pediatrician, alcohol awareness program court mandated for underage alcohol citation, a 21 day wilderness program, and most importantly Dr. Bradley’s book. He has always cooperated with the help we offered him and we continue a loving relationship with him per Dr. Bradley’s admonition. He is on prozac therapy. However all of his self-destructive behaviors continue. He often repents but returns to his self-destructive behaviors almost immediately. We fear that his self-destructive behavior will eventually affect his academics. We encourage him to seek help from the abundance of college resources. We are dispassionate with him. We are exhausted, he consumes our attention despite having a 16 year-old daughter to raise that is Ms. Perfect. We feel guilty that we don’t want him to come home during semester breaks and summers. We are encouraging him to find a summer job or internship away from home. We know that he will challenge any house rules we create to curb his self-destructive behavior. Under what conditions would it be acceptable not to have an 18 or older son not come home? Are we guilty of having a conditional love? He has consumed an enormous amount of our resources. We just want a little of our lives back.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Steven,
First, at the risk of arrogant second guessing, have any of the shrinks considered that your son may have a form of bi-polar disorder which requires very different meds than Prozac? If this has not been looked at, get quickly to a psychiatrist who specializes in adolescents for an evaluation. Those behaviors often indicate a mood disorder requiring mood regulators (stabilizers) versus anti-depressants.
Next, poll all the professionals who have worked with your kid. Ask what percentage of his behavior might be volitional, and what part might be out of his control. For example, if he displays emotional discipline in other settings (i.e.school) and only snaps out at home, then he's "deciding" to be a punk at home. If that's the case, then remember that you've gone more than the mile with your son in attempting to provide him with all of the tools to help him get in charge of himself. The one thing that you haven't given him is the wisdom of maturity. That, of course, is the one thing none of us can give to our kids. Only life can do that.
If the shrinks agree that he should be able to exert more control at home, then I would see the next "therapy" for your son in being asked to not come home until he beats his problem. Get lots of advice from the shrinks who know your son before you do this, since he might be at great risk on his own. But I've often seen angry 18-year-olds learn to control their tempers after having to fend for themselves for awhile away from home.
Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Steven]

Dear Dr. Bradley
After some consultation, I e-mailed the following to my son in college:

"Hi XXXX, We need to discuss with you about coming home for Christmas and for other times in the future. Our love and support for you should be very evident. Although we want to enjoy your presence, we do not want to endure, any longer, self-destructive behaviors in our home (ie. use of nicotine, alcohol, marijuana, hookah, and inappropriate sex). In the past you have been open in sharing some of your success and failures in overcoming these behaviors. I can’t pretend to understand all the struggles involved. We are always available to help and the school has many resources. Can you understand our desire to maintain our home as a blessing, especially if you may someday desire to come home to start a career. We love you but despise the behavior.
Love, Dad"

He has not responded and I intend to approach him soon on this subject. Have you had patients that consciously or unconsciously try to sabotage anything good that happens to them? My son is a high achiever but a very anxious person. I model similar behavior. Acceptance to a prestigious liberal arts college, girlfriends of good influence, fulfilling wilderness experience, and other positive encounters (by his own admission) have always ended with self-destructive behavior. He seems to sabotage the good that happens to him. Can you give further enlightenment on this observation?

I would like to encourage you to pursue writing a daily devotion book for parents of adolescent children. I think it will give strength to our task. It can contain excerpts from your book and other encouragements and hopeful testimonies.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Dad,
There are many possible explanations for these behaviors, but the only explanations that count are ones that come from your son. Since he's unwilling to address these (yet), then lovingly but firmly drawing your "line in the sand" is likely the best way to move him closer to confronting himself and whatever demons he's fighting.
I love your idea about a daily devotion book for parents of adolescents (particularly being a parent myself). But perhaps all of us "veteran" parents can best write that book together.
ATTENTION PARENTS: Please send in any thoughts you have that might be inspirational for those of us who struggle with tough teens.

[Steven]

This is an update. Our son agreed to the terms for coming home for the Christmas holidays. As we expected, he did not live up to the terms of refraining from self-destructive behavior while at home. We told him that he was not welcomed home for his spring break nor for summer vacation. We told him that we would pay his school tuition, room, and board but his daily expenses was his responsibility (we did not want to provide any funding for his self-destructive behavior). At first he tried negotiating with us without sucess. He told us that almost everyone on campus practice these behaviors. He is frustrated that our moral bar is so high. He has done some reflection on the demons in his life. But he has done this before. We have called him once since his return to college to assure him of our love for him. I suspect his remorse will eventually turn to anger toward us. It remains to be seen if his self-destructive behavior will continue due to a desire to be popular or some other cause or pain. I once heard that US Presidents that desire to be popular often have moral failures and that US Presidents that have strong convictions will make decisions that are not popular. I hope my son will someday mature to have the moral convictions necessary to make a difference in this world. Is this behavior part of "identity formation" and "separation anxieties"? Why is this behavior on the college campus more the rule than the exception?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Steven,
Yes, this is all likely part of his identity formation, a task made much more difficult these days where so many kids seem to be so engaged in self-destructive behaviors. But the fact remains that MOST kids do not do these things to the extent that your son is, and if he so chose, he could find many kids at school who are more positive. The fact that he might surround himself with other drug-involved folks is just another issue in his identity "in-box" that he needs to confront when he's ready.
In the interim, do not give in to his argument that "it's OK because so many people do this." Respond by asking him if Nazi deathcamps, or American slavery were OK because so many people seemed "cool" with these horrors. Hold fast to your values, in a firm, yet quiet and loving fashion. Keep telling him that you love him, and that it breaks your heart to not have him home. But that you love him far too much to enable him to destroy himself.
Hang in there. Remember that these battles are marathons, not sprints. Please continue to keep us all posted.

[Steven]

Update: Spring break is here. My brother's family has graciously invited him to their home for spring vacation and possibly for summer vacation. We have kept in touch weekly and have expressed our love. He has maintained his academics. But he has asked us to come home for a few days to see his friends (the ones he choose to introduce him to self-destructive behaviors). He says he has stopped smoking all substances. His lack of congestion seems to affirm this. Alcohol, sex, and pot is an unknown. We have tried to involve him in the decision with considerations of extra plane fare, his uncle's plans, and his need to look for a summer job there. We are very anxious about the possibility of him coming home, of needing to extend our trust one more time, and dealing with his self-destructive behavior at home. I wrote the following to him in hopes that it will influence his identity formation.

"Hi XXXXX: As you know Mom and I are struggling about the decision of you coming home for spring break. What makes this decision difficult is that probably the worst thing you have done to Mom and I over the last few years has been to betray our trust in you. You would say what we hoped to hear and you would do otherwise. This is despite our continuous attempts to extend our trust in you. The behaviors you choose is an area that you must address for yourself. History has shown that what is popular has rarely been profitable. I am hopeful that you are becoming wiser, with more conviction, as your identity forms. I am convinced there is no better place for that to happen for you than at XXXXXX college. But I fully intend to defend the blessings of our home. Please take this into consideration before asking to come home.
Love, Dad"

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Steven,
Whether or not you are religious, you might want to read or reread the Biblical story of The Prodigal Son. For me, the thought is that as a parent, we must individually accept and value each child in his or her own context. I recall that you also have a "perfect" daughter at home, with whom your son likely cannot compete since he is the "family screw-up." This might make it very hard for him to reach out and try to become part of your family again.

I say all that as preface to offering what I would do in your place. I think that you have made your values lovingly but firmly clear to your son. That done, then now embrace any reaching out that your son does as a possible breakthrough, and just welcome him home. Hug him hard and tell him that you missed him terribly. You don't need to talk about the drug issues, but you do need to talk about the trust issues, that the thing you want most in the world is for him to tell you straight up what is going on.

If he falls again, then, yes, you must ask him to leave again. But do that dispassionately saying, "I know that soon you're going to beat this demon. Our door is always open to you. We love and miss you terribly." This is telling him that you love him, and hate his drug use; that self-destruction will never be welcomed in your home, but that your sober son can never lose his place at your table.

Be well, and please keep us posted.

[Steven]

Thank you for your timely and considerate response. I and others thank you for your love for our children. You have continued to encourage us to focus on what is important and to help us sort through our emotional baggage. It is a difficult adjustment for parents to concede to their young adults the dangerous experimentation and self-destructive behavior that is presented to them. The process of identity formation means at some point it is wise to let go. Consistent with your message I treasure the message of the book and movie, “A River Runs Through It,” by Norman Maclean. His father’s last sermon, reflecting on one of his sons, makes the following statement:

“Each one of us here today will, at one time in our lives, look upon a loved one in need and ask the same question: We are willing Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true that we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not, that part we have to give…is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us… But we can still love them… We can love – completely – even without complete understanding…”

I will continue to keep you updated hoping that others may be helped.

[Steven]

The good news is that our son made several efforts to reach out to us during his college spring break at home. The disappointing news is that he continues to struggle with self-destructive substance use. He made large efforts to spend time with us and to share with candor. We made deliberate efforts to stay positive and dispassionate. We went to movies, dined out, and shopped together. He has said "no" to some parties and even allowed us to drop him off and pick him up from a party. He has also admitted his one time pot use and occasional nicotine use while with friends during this spring break. He continues to find value in his prozac prescription. I read recently that our faith must dictate our hopes. We continue to attempt to exercise restrain as our son goes through this period of identity formation.

[Steven]

Dr. Bradley: I need help in responding to this e-mail from my son. I could not give a response that would stand up against a judge. It appears that this judge is quoted by every pro-pot web site.

"i appreciate your concern....but i have everything taken care of...i am a grown up now...and also...u should know this...the Drug Enforcement Amniistration's own administrative law judge concluded after extensive testimony that marijuana in it's natural form is one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man...im not saying i smoke pot regularly...i smoke very occassionally with a couple buddies...maybe once every couple weeks to relieve stress...cigarettes are deadly...thats undisputable and i quit those vowing never to return to them"

I don't want to ruin the progress our relationship has made.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Dad,
These are blind alley arguments that you probably should not engage in with your son, but if you want some catchy retorts here are three:
"Yes, and Dr. Timothy Leary (a very smart guy with a Ph.D. , highly respected in his field at one time, swore that his extensive research proved LSD to be pretty much the answer for all of mankind's ills."
"Check out the NIH (National Institutes of Health) research that showed one MJ joint to contain at least 3 times the carcinogens of those cigarettes you see as so harmful."
"Those cigarettes you so smartly fear used to be PRESCRIBED as healthful 'medications' by physicians."
Better to just say, "Well, that's one man's opinion, and man who happens to be a judge, not a researcher or a clinician. I don't know about you son, but occasionally I disagree vehemently with what some judges conclude from the evidence they see. But, in any event, before I do risky things I like to talk to a lot of experts to see what MOST of them say. And most credentialled experts would disgree that marijuana is harmless, particularly for younger folks with softer brains. But thanks for keeping me current with the debate on this. By the way, son, does this mean that you want me to send you the opinions of other experts to consider? Let me know. Love, Dad"
The bottom line is keep doing what you've done so well so far. Keep agreeing to disagree, and let him know that you love him way to much to support his doing things you think can hurt him.
Hang in there.

[Steven]

Thank you for guiding me through a mine field and with short notice. My son was caught with his dorm room smoke detector covered and devices for use of pot. I saw through his half-truths that he was in trouble. It is difficult to discern the line between enabling and maintaining a loving relationship with the thought (hope?) that the overall trend is positive. With your help the following was my response to an emotionally charged son:

"I am sorry about the anxiety created. It never seems to occur at a good time. I am a parent of a young adult. You are old enough to be under the law of the state as an adult and young enough to still benefit from a loving parent. Laws are made to protect us from ourselves and to protect others. All these bright, successful leaders who have failed, failed because they broke the law or choose unethical conduct. The CEO of Enron had a phd in economics… he will go to prison.

Concerning the testimony of the judge, that's one man's opinion, and a man who happens to be a judge, not a researcher or a clinician. I don't know about you, but occasionally I disagree with what some judges conclude from the evidence they see. But, in any event, before I do risky things I like to talk to a lot of experts to see what MOST of them say. And most credentialed experts would disagree that marijuana is harmless, particularly for younger folks with softer brains.

http://www.nida.nih.gov/Infofacts/marijuana.html
“Even infrequent use can cause burning and stinging of the mouth and throat, often accompanied by a heavy cough. Someone who smokes marijuana regularly may have many of the same respiratory problems that tobacco smokers do, such as daily cough and phlegm production, more frequent acute chest illness, a heightened risk of lung infections, and a greater tendency to obstructed airways (10). Smoking marijuana increases the likelihood of developing cancer of the head or neck, and the more marijuana smoked the greater the increase(11). A study comparing 173 cancer patients and 176 healthy individuals produced strong evidence that marijuana smoking doubled or tripled the risk of these cancers.”

Those fines imposed on you are listed in our parent handbook. Your offense is very serious in terms of jeopardizing the lives of others. Suspension or dismissal is possible. We will loan you the money to pay the fine. Do we write it to XXX College? You can understand that we have difficulty writing checks to your friends, not knowing what we are really paying for. As you know your half-truths and broken promises have taken a toll on our relationship of trust. I love you way to much to support you doing things that will hurt you ultimately.

Love, Dad"

We will be visiting him next week. I will read, again, my highlighted areas in my now worn book by you. My wife and I continue to remind each other of our long term hope that you have helped us see is possible.

[Steven]

We just admitted our son into a 30 day residential treatment program for substance addiction. The program is a Christian based program that teaches the 12 step recovery process. Our son admitted to us an addiction to marijuana. This is after being caught giving alcohol to a high school girl. After his first day, he called and said he wanted to come home. We told him that coming home was not an option. We finally found a psychologist that our son can appreciate. He has made our son aware of his self-destructive character that feeds on self-gratification. His empathy for his victims is weak. He is very deceitful. Despite his good academics, his tests indicate a large degree of ADD (especially auditory comprehension) with some elements of conduct disorder. His freedom has directed him not only into marijuana but also into alcohol, nicotine, ADD medication, and sexual freedoms in college. He desires a high degree of stimulation. Although an intervention type session with our psychologist brought him to tears, a day online with his friends restored the vanity in him. Our fears are that any progress made in his awareness of his self-destructive lifestyle will be lost when he returns to the community of peers that he chooses. He finds others boring or others find him obnoxious. I believe a healthy peer community can make a difference but it is difficult to find one that will accept him. He feels often that he is “OK” because he sees many who are like him or worst. I believe that as he continues to feed his ego, his mental state will worsen. I fear we must let him go, having done all we can to save him from himself.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
The quest for sobriety is a long, arduous, and often excruciating journey, not only for the addict but for his family as well. The ups and downs, the raised hopes of one day that get smashed the next can take the starch out of the strongest people. The idea is to pick a wise course, and then stay on it come hell or high water, and not get too invested in the short term successes or failures.
Your son is slowly acquiring more pieces of his personal puzzle. This is much like how small bricks, slowly laid, eventually make a strong wall that can last a lifetime. For example, learning challenges are common to most drug users, so getting a handle on these might provide another brick for your kid to put in his wall of sobriety. Another might well be the rehab he is in. The kids that he’ll meet there will be a reflection of himself. This is why everyone wants to leave in that first week---we all hate seeing the bad parts of ourselves in others. And this is exactly what he needs at this point. The other drug users who have been in treatment for awhile can talk to your son in ways that no one else can, ways that can strip away his crippling defenses of denial and deception.
The bottom line? Don’t listen to any voices that give you simple answers, such as “Cut your son off.” People (and life itself) are much too complex to view with simple, “black or white” visceral responses. Save that stuff for football games or political campaigns. Please don’t quit on your son now, just when you’ve all struggled so hard, for so long. Yes, you’re in the middle of a desert, and things look bleak, but you might be coming close to your journey’s end and not know it.
Do not enable your kid by providing a safe, warm place (home) to do drugs, but also do not cut him completely off from things like rehabs, therapists or positive activities like school. Yes, he might just smoke weed at school, but he also might rub elbows with positive, hard working and drug-free kids, experiences that give him more bricks to put in his sobriety wall until the magic day that the last, one, small brick suddenly finishes the wall.
Hang in there. Win or lose, giving our all to those we love brings us piece of mind in our old age, and perhaps, far beyond.
Good luck.

[Steven]

Our son found valuable therapy that lead to a 1) an awareness of his obsession with self-gratification 2) diagnosis of ADD and some Conduct Disorder (he is now taking prozac and strattera), and 3) admission into a residential treatment home. The residential treatment home provided him valuable counsel, community, an awareness of the disease of addiction, and the 12 step process. Although he has not reached bottom yet, they tried to bring the bottom up to him. I understand now that change must come from within himself and most often it is the pain of self-destruction that promotes change. He is now equip with the “serenity prayer,” the 12 step process, and an AA sponsor. I am aware that this is not an easy disease to overcome because it attacks your mind, body, and soul. It is insidious. My wife and I have been receiving encouragement from Al-Anon. They are influencing the way we love our son and ourselves. I have been taught that as our son progressed in the disease of addiction/compulsion, that we also followed a parallel progression of a similar disease of fear/compulsion in ourselves. It continues to be challenging but as you advised we have a path to follow. He is coming home soon.

[Steven]

This update is primarily about my wife and I. Our parenting skills need to be transformed, as our children become young adults. As you hinted at earlier, we are beginning to accept our son as possibly the “prodigal” son, different than the rest of the family. Our fears for him have turn into pain and our pains have forced us to exam ourselves. As I might have said earlier, we have mirrored our son’s compulsions but in different ways. The help our son needs, we also can benefit from. I have become more free as I allowed myself to grieve over who my son “could have” or should have” been. I accept my powerlessness to change him and acknowledge that often it is the pain and not the fear of the consequences of his choices that can have the most influence on him. As you admonished, Dr. Bradley, we are careful to not intentionally enable his destructive behaviors. We are learning loving detachment through Al-Anon. We live with short phrases to remind us of the attitude we must have to keep serenity in our lives. Some examples of phrases we keep close to us are: “Let Go and Let God,” “ Live (our lives) and Let (him) Live (his life),” “Accept, don’t Expect,” “Don’t Accuse, Let God Reveal.” We try not to moralize to him (He has heard it already) and it only adds to his grief in disappointing us. As you discuss in your book, we respect his space and make efforts to respect his privacy. We make efforts to not question his motives or actions. We are prepared to lovingly confront the obvious and to protect the blessings of our home. Our son has noticed our changes and he continues to make efforts to show his love for us.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Steven,
Thank you so much for sharing your painful journey with all of us. If any good can possibly come from such bad, it might be that your wise and open words are shaping the thoughts and hearts of many, many parents and kids who are reading these posts. Thanks to your courage, some families now might never have to know the fear and sadness you've dealt with in your own. And the other lucky readers who don't wrestle with adolescent addiction might now realize their own blessings or good luck, forgive their kids for their messy rooms or bad grades, hug them hard, and thankfully realize what I do on a daily basis: Much better parents than me see much worse things with their kids. So much of this crazy business of raising kids is simple luck of the draw.
Let's hope and/or pray that it's time for your cards to get better.
Be well.

[Steven]

My son will be coming home for Christmas vacation in a week. I need to prepare myself. My daily devotional readings from the Al-Anon's Devotion Book, “One Day At A Time in Al-Anon,” keeps me properly focused on “loving detachment.” (Dr, Bradley, you might call it as being “dispassionate”) Your admonitions to me have been fruitful and wise. Although he continues to show signs of “maturity erradicus,” being in a small and nurturing liberal arts college has allowed him to encounter good and wise role models. On one call to our son, he advised us that he purchased a “Hookah” pipe. We dispassionately advised him to consider the consequences. A few weeks later he advised us that he has quit all substance use. A current girlfriend has influenced him. I hope his will and conviction is strong but I know the process toward awareness can be long and difficult. I just read “A Million Little Pieces,” by James Frey (a Oprah Book Club pick). It is a captivating autobiography of an addict’s recovery and the influences in his life. As you mentioned earlier, I can appreciate how each of us are unique in the temperament that we were born with, how we respond to the influences around us, and how both these factors can change with age. Awareness does not come to us in the same way. My dentist has been telling me to floss for the last thirty years. I began regular flossing a year ago. My teeth, gums, and dental bill have never been better. Why did it take me so long to realize this! I must continue to stay connected, maintain my moral directions, be of good influence, and allow him the freedom and respect to discover his identity. He continues to consider his academics as important and meaningful. That is comforting. I have also read Viktor Frankel's "Man's Search for Meaning." It is important and healthy for us to seek meaning and purpose in our life.

[Steven]

Our two weeks together was relatively good. But there continues to be a fire burning below the surface. The college is now considering his fate due to his drug use and possible dealing of it. They are considering telling him to take a medical leave of absence and return to rehab. Al Anon is helping me keep my perspective and serenity. I am concerned that the rest of my family can no longer tolerate him coming home for an extended length of time (6 months - spring and summer). Are there other loving options? I wrote the following to him:
Who is speaking?
I remember in JR Tolkin’s Lord of the Rings movies/books their was a character named Smeagol who had two voices and who ultimately wanted the power from the ring. In front of good he would say the right things but when alone the selfish ego would speak. Only fear and Sauron’s tortures made Smeagol say something close to the truth.Occasionally the good and evil would talk to each other within the character of Smeagol. In the book “Losing Moses on the Freeway,” the author observes that the prideful ego can be the root of many mental illness. It is apparent now that while you were home this Christmas and substance free (most of the time?) that your mind was still on hookahs, marajuna vaporizers, etc. You lied about being substance free fall semester and it appears that your drug involvement increased. Over the four years of drug use people can no longer discern in you whether the drugs are speaking or someone else. You are or are becoming a shell of a person and the drugs are consuming you. I believe you must return to your Baptism to find life for you as God intended. Just as CS Lewis’s Narnia story, you can be restored. But you must have the "will" to change. You must give your "will "to Christ. No one can do it for you. We are praying for you.
Love, Dad

[Steven]

It is with regrets that I wrote the following to my 19 year old son:

I don't know if you have met with your school officials yet but we need to discuss the extent of our support of your life choices. I told you after rehab that we do not intend to support financially any further intervention of your life choices due to self-destructive behaviors. I believe it is very difficult to predict if and when you will overcome all the demons that you have allowed in your life. I don't believe coming home is in your best interest. Either
your boredom, anger, or your friends will make it difficult for the rest of us in the family and for you. I once read that behavior leads attitude and identity. In other words, transformation cannot occur until the behavior changes first. At home it will be difficult for you to change your behaviors. You continue to have your stock investments and I can't think of a better investment than in yourself. It is a difficult time and we are all forced to make uncomfortable decisions based on your behaviors. We, like your school, wish we were not put in these positions of discerning the best interests of everyone involved.
Love, Dad

[Steven]

In a recent discussion with our youth minister, he said it was a mystery to him how teenagers with good character strengths came from both neglectful and responsible parents. It made me reflect on my role as a parent. I wonder if our role as a parent is similar to that of a Marine Drill Instructor. He will drill and teach to the best of his abilities because he wants his recruits to have the instincts necessary to survive in battle. All along he knows that some of his best students and some of his worst students will die or be wounded in battle despite his best efforts. And so it is for us as we raise our children for the battles in life. Some will be caught in the destructive forces of this world and others will escape it. We have little control over this fate. Despite this awareness, our mission continues to be to teach and train our children to the best of our abilities.

We continue to stay connected with our son. There is progress but it is slow. I will say more in the next update.

[Steven]

We helped our son (nearly 20 years-old) get settled in a city with good public transportation and away from home. He worked hard at finding a useful internship. For the one year period of suspension, he is using his savings for his living expense. A Christian young man took him as a boarder but after a month he was asked to leave because he could not live the straight and narrow way. He checked into a hotel and within a couple of days we helped him find a new boarding house with more liberal standards of conduct. He has been blessed with internships that has given him role-models, a taste of the professional world, and responsibilities. It is more difficult today to disassociate with his past. With the internet, cell phones, and nearby colleges, I believe he continues to some degree “rock and roll.� Christian fellowships have followed up with him and he has participated. I hope that with his academic passions related to his internship and with time for introspection he will be on the right road toward progress instead of a road that just moves forward. He has had emotional trials and we have been there for him by phone and e-mail. We warned him about entering into relationships while he works at correcting the mistakes in his life. A condition for return to school is that he has the blessings of a drug and alcohol addiction psychiatrist. He is seeing one but not regularly. It is his responsibility. After 4 years of alcohol, nicotine, and drugs, I think his mind has a craving for a “high.� He says he is clean but I am conditioned now to have my doubts despite good reviews by his employer (a functional addict?). I will leave this determination to the specialists. After 4 years of abuse it is difficult to give trust. But isn’t trust necessary for successful dialogue? At his request, I send him short daily devotions, notes of encouragement, or a confrontation of his prideful actions. He says he needs the reminding. At some point shouldn't he create his own habits for his character? My wife and I continue to stay connected.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
I think that it is wonderful that he asks you for those "reminders." Please don't feel that you are somehow delaying his development by providing those notes. In fact, his request is very similar to one of the tenets of addiction recovery which has to do with daily repetition of character building exercises. Remember that for an addict, true sobriety is a long and arduous journey.
Keep us posted.

[Steven]

Hello Dr. Bradley, Our son has reaffirmed his need to be reminded as you affirmed to me. It is a long road. Recent news of Robin Williams and Mel Gibson relapse is indicative of the difficulties. Is there such thing as a quick and permanent transformation? I am more aware now of the complexities of the mind. Can you share with us briefly your thoughts of a child / teenager / young adult's moral development? You have brought to our attention the research on the teenage brain. To what degree is it natural versus nurtured? I know of a previous student from my sunday school class who went onto bible seminary and serving in church ministry who is now in prison for illicit sex with a minor. Situations such as this or my son is likely due to the "free will" that defines our individuality. I've told my son that I thought that our significance in life is determined by how we work throgh the tension created between our "free will" and our moral sense. It is also probably true that we find our significance through how we work through the pain in our lives. I think your admonishment to us for influencing their moral development is to stay connected and respectful to them. Over the years it becomes increasingly difficult to stay faithful without tiring. I've been told that moral development in a highly controlled environment (ie. other nations) is no less challenging. Any encouraging words on moral development?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
You ask a HUGE question here, and one so critical that I feel inadequate to provide an answer; however, being Irish, I'll answer anyway.
Don't look to the Gibsons or Williams of the world for the keys to a child's moral development, or even to religious, spiritual leaders. Those paths are unreliable since they depend upon the frail human nature. Those folks may have a few thoughts for you but they can never have the one thing that I think conveys values more powerfully than anything else: a connection to the heart of your child. In the thirty years of doing this work I've only come to believe more and more in the magical, mystical power of a good parent-child relationship. If we work to keep that connection (especially when a kid is struggling or rebelling) I believe that we ultimately win that war because as kids age, they come to see the gold in those tired, dog-eared ethics that we must teach to them by our EXAMPLE, not by our preaching.
Yes, this is often an agonizingly slow process, and yes, many kids will take some long, scary detours, but over the decades I've seen so many "crazy" kids eventually come back to the values of their parents that I firmly believe this to be true.
To paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King, we may not live to see the "other side of that mountain" but we cannot give up our faith in the power of good as it applies to teaching values to our kids. That power is as quiet and slow and irresistible as the soft, steady winds of time.
Hang in there.

[Steven]

I am so tired. He haunts my best efforts to express loving detachment even from across the nation. Emails and cell phones can be a curse on parents in so many different ways. My son’s one-year suspension is nearly finished and he is eager to return back to college. If there is any change or transformation, I will be the last to know. I think this transformation, if it occurs, may take decades! He has received warnings from his supervisors of his internship of irresponsible behavior. Although I think they consider him intelligent and he has made some contributions. He was fired from a paying evening job for irresponsible behavior. He was in one bar fight. I was sending him daily devotions at his request but after visiting him, I confirmed that it was having no apparent value. The parties, sex, alcohol, nicotine, lying, and deceit continue. In the beginning he would seek me during his relapses. But he is now somewhat comfortable with his state of being. He has been on his best behavior for the psychiatrist to assure a good review for college considerations. He may be therapy-proof. He even maintained a church relationship as a character reference. He continues to practice relative morality by thinking his life values is the right of youths. He has so many blind spots. I have made it clear to him that I will not protect him from any consequences for his life choices. I continue to treat him with respect. In my discouragement, I question why I must be tested by this marathon race. I am so tired of his yoke around my neck.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Tired Dad,
After reviewing all of your notes I have a thought that you might want to check out. At the risk of justifiably enraging your son's psychiatrist with an armchair diagnosis, perhaps she/he might want to consider the possibility of a subtle form of Bipolar Disorder here, and of then switching directions with the meds to something that more assists with those types of impulses. I worry that everyone might be missing something hard to see in your son. Perhaps get a second opinion from another psychiatrist. Clearly what has been tried is not working.
Keep us posted.

[Steven]

Thank you for your considerations. I had to re-read your book’s description of Bipolar Disorder. I have also read and listened of cases on the television and newspaper. I have not witnessed those mood swings and extreme illusions that I often read of. He has a lofty sense of hubris. He is obedient to his emotions. His moral compass is directed by his emotions. I have heard of doctors linking bipolar disorders to a heavy reliance on satisfying their emotions. He self-medicates to achieve the identity he desires. He uses alcohol and prozac to overcome his social shyness. Although he advised me that he recently gradually withdrew his prozac because it caused him sexual impotency. Marijuana and nicotine gives him a calm from his predisposed anxiousness. His exaggerations of self; his lies and deceit support his hubris and habits. His psychiatrists and psychologists have been hesitant to treat him as bipolar but has treated him as conduct disorder. I wonder if it is as you state in your book, “whatever exists now in a person has very powerful forces behind it, not the least of which is years of repetition.” It is difficult to change from what has become familiar, comfortable, and secure; despite the destructive consequences that keep coming to him. For the same reasons, it is equally difficult to change the relationships that support these habits of the mind. Add to this possibly a pre-disposition and there could possibly be a huge mountain to overcome. He turns to the "truth" for comfort when experiencing his destructive consequences but quickly returns to his familiar past. Is this the "hardwiring" we all fear? I have observed that my son has a great deal of ambition to achieve but he does not have the character to sustain what he has achieved. Is it true that people are more likely to change not by knowing who they are or were (ie. The destructive forces in their lives.) but by envisioning what they could be? In other words, is anyone likely to change from hearing how bad they are?
Is it counter-productive for a parent to continue to respectfully attempt to bring reason and awareness to their son? Is it wise for a parent to express his fear that their son is on the edge of a cliff and heading in the wrong direction? Are we in the same frustrating position as the therapist that can help others but can’t help his own son?
Our son will be soon in the care of his college's mental health staff. I do not know how much intervention I can respectfully do on my son's behalf. Like I said earlier, my son can put on an act for those who are trying to help him. I do not know why he has allowed my wife and I to know a part of his destructive life except that he still desires our paternal support and approval. Please continue our dialoge, it has given us valuable guidance and perspective. Thank you.

[Steven]

Hello Dr. Bradley, In a few weeks my wife and I will be flying to meet our son to help him move back to college after serving a one year suspension and performing some valuable internships. I don't know how many "never again" promises he has kept or broken. He knows that the stakes are high when he returns to college. He has little room for poor judgement.
I saw this pharmaceutical company sponsored website, www.isitreallydepression.com and would like your opinion on whether it is appropriate for a "crazy teenager" to consider the online test. I hear of so many people share of their crazy teenage years. I know of many in my college fraternity days that were the same (I was the nerd; the fraternity minister). I believe it must be very difficult to discern in teenagers: permanent mental disorders, hormonally driven behavior, socially driven craziness, age driven lack of wisdom, insecure-pain driven self-medication, and hardwired behavior. Given your last thoughts, I thought this online test might be a good prompting for him to consider a open dialogue with the college's mental health professionals. But am I implying a difficult label on him?
Sincerely

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Dad,
I happen to like those online questionnaires, even though they often get roasted by some professionals. No, they are not a substitute for a thorough professional evaluation, and, no, they should not be used to diagnose anyone. But I find that they are very useful in helping folks to begin discussions with themselves and/or others about how they are doing in the world.
Perhaps suggest to your son that he has nothing to lose in taking the test. If he refuses, gently ask what he's afraid of. If he so wishes, offer that you'd be happy to take it as well and share your answers with him if he wants. Anything that starts people talking is a good thing in my view.
Keep us posted.

[Steven]

This is becoming a longitudinal journal.
Our son completed his 2nd year of college after a mandatory one-year “medical leave.” During the one-year leave I saw little improvement in his self-destructive addictions and obsessions despite his sincere efforts otherwise. During the year he had continued abusing alcohol, pot, nicotine, and sexual promiscuity while searching for his identity. He is now nearly 21 years old. While being back at school he was required to check-in with the associate dean every other week. He was aware that a lapse in moral judgment could now have significant consequences for him. During his spring break visit with us, except for a short diversion to watch baseball spring training with us, he studied the whole time. He appeared to be clean the whole time. His grades were outstanding (3-A’s and a B+; taking difficult quantitative and qualitative courses). He was haunted by pre and post test anxieties/depressions. He was obsessed with demonstrating his worthiness academically. He has received a summer scholarship and an associated internship with a distinguished economist for the summer.
I continue to make efforts to stay connected with him, to make him aware of those timeless truths that bring forth calm, perspective, character, and integrity but I am mindful of the need now to practice wise parenting by knowing to not parent as much as possible. I fear without the boundaries created by the college, he will again lapse into his self-destructive behaviors that bring him escape and comfort. I have seen this yo-yo styled struggle over the last four years. As Dr. Bradley warns, I must guard against presuming destructive behaviors.
The journey continues. We will hopeful all be better for it. I continue to hope that the evolution of his awareness and beliefs will bring about a change in his behaviors; which will affect who he becomes. At 52 years-old I can attest to this adaptation.


I saw this in the health section of our local newspaper. Current research continues to support Dr. Bradley’s assumptions.
Brain waves:
Birth to age 12: brain is in fastest period of growth, with nerve cells connecting to form and enlarge most vital regions of the brain. This explains why young children are fastest to pick up new languages.
Ages 12-25: brain continues to develop, and areas responsible for impulse control and moral judgment typically are developed in early 20s.
After age 25: Mature brain “prunes” itself, with more activity devoted to refining existing systems than creation of new areas.
Gender/income differences: Girls start with a slightly better verbal ability, but boys catch up by adolescence. Boys and girls have an equal aptitude for math. While children from low-income families scored slightly lower on IQ tests, earlier suggestions of a bigger gap are due to poorer health among poor families.

[Steven]

This post is a copy. My original post was not received apparently.
Update: Our son completed his 2nd year of college after a mandatory one-year “medical leave.” During the one-year leave I saw little improvement in his self-destructive addictions and obsessions despite his sincere efforts otherwise. During the year he had continued abusing alcohol, pot, nicotine, and sexual promiscuity while searching for his identity. He is now nearly 21 years old. While being back at school he was required to check-in with the associate dean every other week. He was aware that a lapse in moral judgment could now have significant consequences for him. During his spring break visit with us, except for a short diversion to watch baseball spring training with us, he studied the whole time. He was clean the whole time. His grades were outstanding (3-A’s and a B+; taking difficult quantitative and qualitative courses). He was haunted by pre and post test anxieties/depressions. He was obsessed with demonstrating his worthiness academically. He has received a summer scholarship and an associated internship with a distinguished economist for the summer.
I continue to make efforts to stay connected with him, to make him aware of those timeless truths that bring forth calm, perspective, character, and integrity but I am mindful of the need now to practice wise parenting by knowing to not parent as much as possible. I fear without the boundaries created by the college, he will again lapse into his self-destructive behaviors that bring him escape and comfort. I have seen this yo-yo styled struggle over the last four years. As Dr. Bradley warns, I must guard against presuming destructive behaviors.
The journey continues. We will hopeful all be better for it. I continue to hope that the evolution of his awareness and beliefs will bring about a change in his behaviors; which will affect who he becomes. At 52 years-old I can attest to this adaptation.


I saw this in the health section of our local newspaper. Current research continues to support Dr. Bradley’s assumptions.
Brain waves:
Birth to age 1 2: brain is in fastest period of growth, with nerve cells connecting to form and enlarge most vital regions of the brain. This explains why young children are fastest to pick up new languages.
Ages 1 2-25: brain continues to develop, and areas responsible for impulse control and moral judgment typically are developed in early 20s.
After age 25: Mature brain “prunes” itself, with more activity devoted to refining existing systems than creation of new areas.
Gender/income differences: Girls start with a slightly better verbal ability, but boys catch up by adolescence. Boys and girls have an equal aptitude for math. While children from low-income families scored slightly lower on IQ tests, earlier suggestions of a bigger gap are due to poorer health among poor families.

[Steven]

My son is 21 years-old now. I’ve been updating this site for over 4 years. I’m writing this at 1 AM because my son woke me up and I can’t go back to sleep. He called by cell phone at 11PM (his 2AM) from the other side of the US to ask for Google Map directions to a house. With e-mails and cell phones the small degrees of separation makes parenting older children different than what we experienced at 18 or 21 years-old. I’ve noted this before in these writings. We are not insulated by a “don’t ask, don’t tell,” policy of disclosure. We have a good relationship. He shares much with us. He has consulted us about girl-friend problems, college class choices, his stock investments, and his writings (he writes for an online magazine and interns at a policy institute). I dread what I don’t know. I don’t agree with everything he does but neither does my Dad of me. My son is much more of a risk-taker than I am. I e-mail him words of wisdom. Sometimes daily, when he is facing a new experience; other times once a week. Occasionally he acknowledges its usefulness. We better than most know our children’s temperament, strength, and weaknesses. Young adults need wisdom. I wonder what he might be doing in a car at 2 AM with a young lady driving and looking for a house. I change the Google Map View to Satellite View and tell him that the house he is looking for is across the street from what appears to be a large Church. My son acknowledges it is a Church and that indeed the house he is looking for is across the street. He thanks me. I remind myself at this writing that I must guide my son with “open hands” and not “closed fists.” I lead with my life and not by control or manipulation. Yes, when they are younger and living at home, we must do all we can to slow their access to the destructive temptations of the popular culture. But as Dr. Bradley admonishes, it is the priority of the relationship that makes a difference. We visit our son in a week to help him move back to college to begin his junior year. He is changing, his identity is taking shape. My wife reminds me to be hopeful in the mist of my pessimism. She reminds me that there are many things he is doing to make his life significant.

[Steven]

I recently heard a movie trailer of a comedy about some people on a train. Metaphorically it was the “train of life.” At some point everyone gets off the train for a break because the train is lost! The people on the train ask each other how can a train that travels on tracks, get lost. In the discussion among the people about the train’s status, one replies: “We haven’t located ourselves yet!” As parents we often wonder how our children can get lost on the tracks we put them on. Identity formation, discovering those values that can carry them through life, is their unique journey. As parents of adolescent or young adults, we serve as one of many valuable reference points in their lives. In that responsibility our lives are enlightened.

[Steven]

Dear Dr. Bradley,
Our son has indicated that he desires to stop smoking cigarettes. He says he has stopped smoking marijuana since being asked by the school to take a break from school. But consequently his cigarette smoking increased to 5 cigarettes a day (after meals and periods of high anxiety). He has tried many times to stop on his own unsuccessfully. The schools health center advised him that they would not prescribe Chantix or other prescription because he is not considered chemically addicted. It appears to be a habit much like a child needing to suck their thumb. Is there evidence that hypnotic therapy is effective?

[Mike Bradley]

Hypnosis works only with highly-motivated subjects who very much want to quit. I worry that your son is not there yet since he more likely really enjoys that behavior versus is bio-chemically addicted to it.
He might do better with substituting some other reward that is less deadly (i.e. coffee, chocolate, chewing gum) for those "cigarette moments." However, here again, he must really want to give up the smokes.
Perhaps you could offer him some other reward that might help him through the denial pain (paying for a song download or sending a few dollars for each day he abstains, and so on).
If you guys find a cure, please let us know.
ATTN OTHER PARENTS: any suggestions that you've seen work?

[Steven]

Our son tried the hypnotic therapy. It was effective for 2 weeks. Being away for college, he could not return for any follow-up therapy. He does have a drawer full of lollipops in his desk drawer. Is smoking and lollipops part of an oral fixation? He did not suck his thumb when an infant.
Saw the movie, "Into The Wild." Identity formation is hard on everyone who cares.

[lsdtr]

Hypnosis works only with highly-motivated subjects who very much want to quit. I worry that your son is not there yet since he more likely really enjoys that behavior versus is bio-chemically addicted to it.
He might do better with substituting some other reward that is less deadly (i.e. coffee, chocolate, chewing gum) for those "cigarette moments." However, here again, he must really want to give up the smokes.
Perhaps you could offer him some other reward that might help him through the denial pain (paying for a song download or sending a few dollars for each day he abstains, and so on).
If you guys find a cure, please let us know.
ATTN OTHER PARENTS: any suggestions that you've seen work?
Dr. Bradley, You asked about stopping smoking. When I went to the Cancer Society's excellent stop smoking program (inexpensive too), they asked, "who wants to stop smoking"? We all raised our hands. Then they asked, "who wants to give up cigarettes"? And we all sat on our hands. Then they explained that one does NOT need to be 100% committed to giving up smoking; that one could be ambivalent and that part of their program worked with that ambivalence. So I would encourage anyone with an interest in stopping smoking to check out their program even if they are ambivalent. They also told us that each time we gave up smoking, it was more practice for when we would give it up for good. I once read that the success rate for drug addicts who volunteered for treatment programs was no better than for those committed to the programs by the courts. So there is some myth to the oft-repeated statement, "you have to want it to recover", b/c in the beginning you may not want "it". Finally, I believe that the multi-mode approach seems to work well with smoking -- the patch, a support program and some people need certain anti-depressants to get through.