Opinions....we're in crisis!!

[cbsurfmom]

I know many of you reading here have been there done that and I'd appreciate any input.
My 15 SD is using pot, drinking, recently tried oxy...she does not have a big circle of friends so when she does get invited out she's even admitted to being the instigator. We don't trust her one bit, she's lying about everything...Her major complaint is that we are too strict. Here's where we are too strict, if there's a sleep over, we like to call the other girls parents and find out if they are actually going to be there that night. She thinks that this is over the top, embarassing, no one else has to live like this, blah blah...we've taken her phone away after the last episode this weekend. The ultimatum from her today is this. We give her the phone back, she'll let us know, where and w/whom she's with and the phone will NEVER be off and she will NEVER lie to us about where she's at. She's even willing to take random drug tests because she's decided that she no longer wants to do any of that stuff. If we don't agree she's basically said that she does not want to live, it's not worth it to her. She said in her letter to us this morning that she's already tried to commit suicide but we didn't notice...I think she's cutting herself?? One of her friends is doing this right now and we think there's some copy catting going on....now she also claims to be depressed and needs help w/that. I don't doubt it, I'm pretty depressed over this situation myself. My DH is going to give her 3 choices. 1. Stay w/us, abide by our rules. 2. Go live w/your mom and her husband (she left there a 1 1/2 ago because it was over the top for her then 3. Go to a psych hospital. Oh, yeah, she's also flunking out of school...thanks for any insight.

[Momto2teens]

You need to get help for your daughter right now. Get out the phone book,, call your area crisis center. They will be able to tell you what to do next. dont hesitate, she will likely be admited for observaton, they can make an accessment . They will know what your daughter needs. She will likely go on her own, if she doesn't. then you have to be tough and admit her yourself, Don't think about your relationship.. Think about the daughter,,, Good Luck and I will pray for you,, God has good things for you, just look for them,,

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Surfmom,
Tell your daughter that she has a deal with one proviso: that all of you agree to get some family counseling. Now is not the time to get in her face with mandates. Now is the time to remind everyone that they all love each other and need to work things out to be able to live together. If you get tough with her, she'll just ping-pong back and forth between houses while likely getting worse. Use this "gift" (the crisis) she gave you to try and get to the real issues here.
Good luck and please keep us posted.

[cbsurfmom]

Well, we compromised. She gets her phone back. Needs to give us a phone number of the house she's spending the night at and there has to be at least one parent there. If there isn't she needs to tell us before hand and we'll make the decision as to what to do then. We're all in agreeement. The slate has been wiped clean so to speak...just not sure that she should have been let off scott free, didn't get in trouble for lying to us about where she was the other night, buying pot etc.....at least everyone is talking....she is in therapy and it's been a god send through this crisis.

[cbsurfmom]

well, she cut school again w/in 12 hrs. of compromising. so, we're getting her evaluated today and it will probably end up w/her being admitted for rehab. her bio mom is not in favor for it so we'll se what ends up happening here...this is the same woman who was slurring her words on the phone to me last night. i'm sick to my stomach and just want my SD to find her spirit and pull herself out of this.

[cbsurfmom]

During SD evaluation, we all broke down, told her how much we loved her and didn't want to see her dead. She admitted that the oxy high was better than the pot high and just the way she said it i know it was a matter of time before she would be in way over her head. She had also begun selling pot...something we didn't know about. She didn't even think there was anything wrong w/her skipping school...she and some girls went off and took caffeine pills to get a buzz..and she was bouncing off the wall. But, because it was 'legal' she didn't see anything wrong w/it. She's in a residential program now, and that night, cleaning out her room, I found a suicide/runnaway note. I know in my gut we did the right thing. Her mother, who's been uninvolved but who wants answers from us, was not there, she said she needed more time, more information, the center told her that if she came to the evaluation she could get answers and ask questions, that's the forum for it...she chose not to go. Then, she called us all weekend demanding to know what was going on. Yelling at us, slurring her words etc. She can call the center and get answers there, we are done w/her unless she goes and helps her daughter! I can't believe how fast this happend...from Dec to now...

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Step-Mom,
You've done a great job. Keeping focused on your love for this girl and your desire to help her with treatment (as opposed to hurt her with punishments) has gotten her to rehab, and given her a shot at recovery. Now it's time get ready for the real work.
The fact is that few people get "fixed" in rehab. That's just a starting point. Real recovery occurs living out in the real world and making better choices. Be sure that you all continue in counseling to work on problems BEFORE they become drug incentives.
Be careful about your expectations. Few heavily-involved drug users never relapse. The relapses, if handled well, can actually become lessons to the user on how to avoid relapsing in the future, and how to ultimately become drug-free. But that is a long and difficult road.
So try and not feel hopeless if this girl relapses. Just use the skills you've been using to keep her knowing that she is loved, and that standing together as a loving family you all can beat any drug in the world.
Good luck.