Confused Dad

[jenava]

Dr. Bradley, My daughter is 17 years old and has a boyfriend (also 17) my wife and I don’t approve of. He comes from a very dysfunctional family; his dad is in jail from murder, violence to women, his mom is not in the parenting picture. His mom, his grandmother, and some aunts have raised him at different times. He has been expelled from school for fighting, has been to rehab for alcoholism (at least), people I know have accused him of stealing. My daughter has been his girlfriend off and on secretly for over 2 years (we knew of the relationship last year and were able to break it up). Just last month we discovered she was his girlfriend again, and she admitted it, saying we don’t understand him, everyone just judges him for his past, he is trying to finish school (taking GED), is not doing drugs or drinking and is being falsely accused of stealing (a friend of mine said she was holding a PS2 he stole from him, but we never found it). We took away her car and cell phone when we discovered this, as punishment for lying to us, not being trustworthy, and hoping that it would drive her from him. She seems to be in a trance, cannot stop seeing him; she will take buses everyday to the part of town he lives in to see him, about everyday. He currently lives with his grandmother and his sister. My daughter’s best friend is his cousin and goes out of the way to bring him to her, or her to him (in her car). We finally decided she needs to realize that the relationship is not good for her and are allowing it, but have not yet allowed him to enter our house. We are seeing a counselor, to help us get through this, but I cannot help but wonder when this nightmare is going to go away. I did meet him for the first time and talked to him; it was not confrontational, I just wanted to meet and get to know him. He was very eager to meet me and stated, he is working to return to high school to graduate, is planning to go to community college, has a tutor to help him pass a test attend high school and community college concurrently, said he loves math, and likes the bible and attends four square church on Sundays with his grandmother, also has been working at McDonalds for 4 weeks now. I was very gentle with him, asked him what he liked about the bible most, if he could relate to me an inspiring passage, or story that he particularly liked, but he was not able to. Said when he reads it he could see Jesus talking to him. I told him I don’t like him taking my daughter to his grandmother’s house (she told me that’s were they hang out), and that she’s too young to be having sex. He said ok, was very respectful. Said he does not do drugs, cannot drink because at one point he drank so much he almost died, and if he drinks again he could die. Said he is trying got get his life straight.

I am very confused and don’t know what to do. First of all, I cannot see what she sees in him. This kid has nothing going for him. He just lost a year of school and is struggling to get back in. He is no taller that 5’8”, and weighs no more than 120lbs and has had the worse role models a person can have. In a sense I do feel bad for him, know he has lots of struggling in his young life. I also get a sense that he was coached by daughter to paint the pretty picture he presented me. My daughter is happy that I finally met him and I feel somewhat relieved that, although not a good choice for her, at least he is not quite as bad as we felt. Currently, my daughter is working and planning to save her money over the summer to buy a car on her own (with our help). Is keeping to her curfew times, and has been behaving generally well (as good as any 17 year old crazy girl can I guess). She seems to not to want to hang out with her more normal friends, and prefers to hang out with his cousins. I finally resolved to wait for the time that she needs to have to find a better choice for herself, with boys and friends. She is very pretty, has many friends, is generally smart, says she has never done drugs or alcohol (and I’ve never had suspicion she has), and says is not doing anything we would not be proud of. My wife’s been out of country the past three weeks and I’ve been having to deal with all this on my own. When this subject comes up when I talk to my wife on the phone, all she seems to want to do is continue punishing and doing all possible to prevent this from going on (even though I tell her we’ve tried those options but they have not worked). I also have been seeing a counselor who tells me to just let this thing fizzle out on its own, the more we try to prevent it, the more she’ll be attracted to him. It’s just very painful to see her going through this, then having my wife (which arrives in about 10 days) want to continue with punishments and strong arm tactics with my daughter. We will all be going to counseling when she returns, so I hope all goes good there. My biggest concern now is that my daughter may be having sex with this boy and will get pregnant and loose desire for going to college after this next school year. I have been reading your book and look forward to your advice.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Dad,
Your counselor is right on about letting the relationship go on until it fizzles out (real easy to say when it's not your kid, but still the best option). The strategic fact is that the more you openly fight her boyfriend choice, the more attractive he becomes to her since the fight now spreads into other issues such as autonomy, power, control and respect. Adolescents will go to the wall for those things. The plan should be to not criticize Mr. Wonderful directly but to softly say that you are concerned about the risks here (such as pregnancy and STD's). Tell her that he is welcome always in your home but you need to reduce the "alone at grandma's" time. Bring him into your world as much as you can (meals, family functions, and so on) so that she can "compare and contrast" him with more mature males.
The light of day is your best bet. Don't punish/forbid her into taking the relationship underground where it can become much more dangerous.
Let us know how you make out.

[jenava]

Just this week I met his grandmother at her house, and that was quite a relief. She was a very nice lady who said she was wondering why we had not contacted her earlier to meet her. She said she is always home, is retired, and the kids are not left alone in the house. said my daughter's boyfriend has been "in trouble" before but now really trying to get his life straight. Seemed like a real nice and concerned person, we exchanged phone numbers - yesterday she drove my daughter home fromher house so could get to work on time. I told my wife about this on the phone and about went ballistic (she is still overseas), said why did you have to go meet that lady! She is still still stuck in our old metality of doing whatever hamnly possible to keep her from him. She asked, so then what is the councelor doing? why hasn't she convinced our daughter to leave him yet? Said we need to find another one. I'll just have to deal with this also when she returns next week.

Really appreciate your quick response, you have confirmed all I have heard from three councelors now. Our curent councelor says that if we continue with old parenting philosophy she will simply drop out of our lives (move out)when she turns 18 in less than a year, then we will not be able to help with any advice, or modeling. At least right now we able to provide some level of parenting. We will keep you posted, and thanks again.

[jenava]

Just had the urge to update with the hope that I can get a reply to our current dilema. daughter has continued to see this boy since this summer. we have had ups and down, but mostly downs. her councelor has continued to see her and us together and separate at times, but there really has not been any breakthroughs to speak of, except that daughter has continued attendending school regularly, working responsibly and making payments for her own car, insurance and cell phone payments. Today though, we realized that her boyfriend is very likely in juvinal hall, because we have gotten calls to our home phone from there asking if we'll accept collect calls from there.

wife and I don't know what to do in fear that if we voice our concers over him again, she'll just bond stronger to him as has happened in the past. we've been waiting anxioulsy for her to end this relationship since early summer, but it has not seemed to have changed, even through this latest turn of events. she can get very volatile and doesn't seem to understand our reason for our disapproval of him --- really looking for some practical advice because our gut feels to just confront her with the info will likely not be the best, or???