young teen and alcohol

[jwrtr]

My 13 year old son revealed recently, when asked, that he had sampled the alcohol in our house--sake, wine, and brandy--at various times. I calmly asked him if he had ever gotten tipsy and he said yes, once, when he sampled all of them at one time. I asked him how many times he'd had liquor, and he didn't know, but guessed maybe 8-10 times. He said that he'd done it at various times of the day and night, including once when I was at home.

I told him that he should not drink again, that it was bad for his growing body, mind, etc. and he said okay, that he wouldn't.

I don't drink, but my husband does. My husband removed all the alcohol except some hard liquor, which he's stashed in his closet. He seems to think that between this and my son's words that he won't drink again, everything will be all right.

Something tells me it's not enough. Am I right? I don't believe that my husband will quit drinking. And I'm not sure how to keep an eye on my son without losing our line of communication. He has been open with me about several things, including his strong physical feelings for his older girlfriend. They are not allowed to be alone together. He has told me that she drinks too, though he claims her parents give it to her. I suspect that he tried drinking because of her....

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
TRUST THOSE INSTINCTS! Yes, a few things are way out of whack and bear a closer look. This is a perfect example of how we let things get away from us because of alcohol rationalizations our culture loves like "boys will be boys" and "everybody drinks".
Alcohol is an extremely dangerous drug, particularly for fragile, developing adolescent brains. Kids that start drinking at age 14 (let alone 13) have TWICE the odds of becoming addicted than someone who starts drinking at 21. Use that fact to "sober up" your husband to revisit this event.
There are several issues to look at here. First, how much does/did your husband drink, and what message does this send to your son? How can adults demand that their kids not drink when the adults do? Does your husband drink frequently to the point of changing his behavior (i.e. "high" or drunk)? If so, you guys may need to look at that. Parental modeling is the MOST powerful factor is a child's decision to use or not use drugs.
Second, 13 is too young to have an intense dating relationship with any girl. You may need to help your son back off from that.
Third, this particular girl is worrisome. Why does she date young boys? Why does she drink? Most worrisome, is it true that her parents give her alcohol?
Alcohol+adolescence=sex, pregnancy, and disease. That equation has no solution.
Move quickly, mom. Trust your instincts and stop being lulled to sleep as so many of us parents are when it comes to our culture's laid- back attitudes about kids drinking. Alcohol kills more of our kids than all other drugs combined. Adults being laid-back have caused too many children to get laid-out.
Please keep us posted.

[jwrtr]

My husband has said that he's going to "cut back" on drinking but refuses to quit. (Yes, he does get drunk.) He is hiding the hard liquor and may get it out of the house all together--I'm not sure. The beer is still prominent and accessible. He says that my son says he hasn't tried alcohol any more. My husband is angry and feels that this is an issue between my son and me and that he feels caught in the middle. Hmmm.

The girlfriend is only a year older, but the difference between 13 and 14 seems like a lot. Her mother and I are keeping close tabs on the relationship, so that is helpful. The girl had an older "boyfriend" before my son, but they were under the same restrictions. She and my son are not allowed to be alone together, only in group settings, but they talk on the phone, instant message, etc. and are, by their own admissions, heavily emotionally involved. Her mother and I are trying our best to keep them physically separated--or at least heavily chaperoned--but not to forbid the relationship. Still, there are times at group events (even with parents present) where they have managed to find time alone....

As for whether the girl's parents give her alcohol--I seriously doubt that they have, but am hesitant to come right out and ask.

I have received a referral to a psychotherapist in our area that specializes in family, teens, and alcohol issues and plan to get myself there ASAP, for more guidance. However, if you have any words of wisdom, I welcome your input.

Thank you so much for your wonderful book and this web site.

[jwrtr]

Well...the girl told me herself that she and her dad sometimes share beer. I'm not sure whether that means a sip or whether he lets her pop the top on an entire can. She also said that she has wine with her parents sometimes at dinner.

I calmly told her that that was between her and her parents, but that I was concerned. That 14 year olds (much less 13 year olds, like my son) are twice as likely to become addicted.

I suppose she could be lying to impress me and/or my son.... Should I calmly confront her mother? And now that I know my son is potentially being hit on two sides (my husband and the girlfriend) with an alcohol issue, what should I do? Of course I would like to think that his having promised not to try alcohol again will make it a nonissue, but I can't help but think that somewhere in the span of my son's many teen years, it will come up again.

I'm having to find another referral to a professional counselor, psychologist, etc.--is that the best option for me at this point?

[Mike Bradley]

By all means, get to a counselor quickly so that you have an expert who knows you well to better advise you.
Yes, do call the girl's mother to find out if they are "cool" with allowing a 14-year-old to drink. If they are "cool" with that, you should not be cool with them, and you should insist that any contact with this girl occur only where supervised by you. The pressure on your son to drink will be overwhelming in a house where the parents drink with their kids.
Good luck!