Lying and need to stop

[SadDaughter]

Hi, My name is Cai and i am 15 yrs old i'll be 16 in may. I am an only child and live just with my mom and have so since i was 1yrs old. I love my mom dearly and want to give her, her dream of a great relationship between us. My problem is lie alot even about things i dont need to lie about, and i have tried to stop and i have gotten better i dont do it as much but i want to stop. I have ADD and Depression and that makes my mom and I have problems i dont want the lying to add on to it. Please help me stop lying to my mom i know you cant help me that much but if you can give me some tips that will help i will be very greatfull you have no idea. My mom is all i have and i feel like i am losing her and i dont want to and i do want to stop but for some reason its not that easy. Please help me try and restore our relationship i lost my dad when i was 1 i dont want to lose her.

Sincerly,
the daughter who cares ( Cai)

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Cai,
What a thoughtful and courageous young woman you are to take the time to address this problem. Your mother is very lucky to have a daughter like you. Here are a few facts that you should know about lying.
First, understand that everyone gets impulses to lie, particularly when we are young. Just the other day I was talking to a kid who plays "All-Star" level high school football and I had this weird impulse to sort of imply that I was a good football player as well (I was not!). And I'm 52 years old! When I thought about it, I realized that I wanted him to like me, and that was why part of me was telling me to lie to him.
Second, kids with ADD often have these lies pop out of them before they know it. That's because when you have ADD you often have a tough time controlling these kinds of impulses.
Third, kids with depression often lie as a way of helping themselves feel better. When we do risky things like lying, our brains release a chemical that actually lifts that depressed feeling for a short time. Of course later on, we feel even worse as that chemical goes away, since then we also feel guilt for lying.
What to do? First, see your doctor. If you are on medications for depression and ADD, these might need adjusting. Second, think about those situations where you have lied. Often there is some feeling we get just before we lie. Sometimes that is a tightening in our stomach, or a kind of a "rush" feeling. Try and find that feeling and then use that as a warning bell in your head to get you to say nothing for a few seconds. That may give you enough time to say to yourself, "Wait a minute- I hate lying. I'm not going to do that anymore." Third, when one of these untruths pops out, try laughing immediately and saying outloud, "WAIT A MINUTE--- that's not true. Where did that come from?" And then correct yourself.
Finally, please show your question and this answer to your Mom. She probably already knows how wonderful you are, but in case she needs a reminder, this will do it. I wish that I was half as courageous and insightful as you are when I was sixteen.
Good luck, and please keep us posted on how you make out with your efforts.

[clintsmom]

Hey there sad daughter. I have an 11 year old son who is also ADHD and he tends to have impulses to lie also. Your letter really meant alot to me because it reminded me of how much a child's love for their parent is not related in any way to the lying. My son is also very loving (and it sounds like you are a very loving child to your mom!) I love my child even when he lies and I know your mom loves you too!! Dr. B's tips for working on the lying sound great and they sound like tips that could help us all. Keep trying - and remember your mom loves you!!!

[mackadi]

Thanks for input on how to stop lying. Both of my children had and still have this problem and it helps to know they don't really want to lie--which they have told me--but it is hard to believe when they keep doing it. It feels like they don't love me when they lie to me but I know this isn't true.