School Issues

[divinem]

I am soooo aggravated with my daughters high school!!! I have taken your advice Dr. Mike, and told my daughter that it's a game and agreed with her that school is stupid. We call the game "Survivor". I do not understand why teachers feel the need to humiliate, make personal judgement observations, and just have a just plain don't care attitude. She has made strides to improve herself to still receive the disrespect that she gets 5 days a week. We have had a conference to which the main problem teacher refused to attend. I made a phone call 2 days ago and left a message for her counselor to call me back. He never responded. We have a lovely tool on the internet that informs parents of the progress of their child. They (teachers) do not use it. Therefore when parents get a progress report, we're stunned that little Susie/Johnnie is Flunking English or whatever. Did you know that teachers gossip about the kids? I know it now.

I marched into that school today and went to the counselors office. Her counselor is sitting there with another counselor and student. I walked right past him and went to the secretary and informed her that I had left a message for my daughters counselor and I haven't had a return call (they are obligated to call a parent within 24 hours) and I needed to make an appointment to meet with him. (childish, I know) She informs me (and points at him) that he is the counselor and asks if he'll meet with me. He is certainly shocked and has no choice but to do so. I tell him of all situations since school has started and a few of the problems with teachers and that situations are escalating and I've had enough. For example a teacher gave the recipe list on how to make meth, he just didn't tell them how to cook it. Exactly how does this correlate to any kind of class? I expressed verbatim what the school administrator said at orientation. I'll share this with you.

The administrator said, "As you can see I've separated your children to the other side of the bleachers, away from you parents. This is to let you know that when your child comes to MY school, they will be mine and they will be re-programmed."

I told the counselor that it seems to me that since administration likes to re-program things that they might need to start with faculty rather than children. I then asked him what his job description was and he told me. I told him that I expect him to do his job since he is my daughters counselor. I had to meet with a person that governs the faculty and tell all again however, she said the blame is all my daughter's. I didn't agree with this "protect my own" attitude and told her that while my daughter shares some responsibility in this matter she's not going to become a scapegoat for all of it. I then told her that the gossip will stop and if my daughter needs to be discussed, I'm a phone call away. She assured me that I would have current grades asap.

Twenty minutes after I left, I called my husband and let him know what happened. He checked online and sure enough the grades were posted. When I arrived home with my other child, I had a message on my answering machine from the teacher. My problem is this, this teacher told my daughter that she had no time, nor was she interested, move on. Now she's ready to "help" my daughter. Puleeze. I will also say that before I went to the school, I had a meeting to tour a private school. I am checking out another private school later on this week. I feel that I have no choice but to either home-school or enroll both of my kids in private school because these public schools are "toxic". Can you suggest a way to approach my crazy teen about this decision because I know for certain she will lose her mind and rage. I'm probably certain it's going to be a dress code issue. She's been doing so much better and most of the time she's even likable. In my heart I know that this is the right decision. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel much better.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I'd avoid forcing your daughter into a new school without involving her in that decision, particularly if she's doing better. The social costs to a kid can be huge when they switch schools. Consider negotiating with her on visiting other schools just to see what they are like, and to see if she might like it better somewhere else. The fact is that if a kid flat out refuses to go to school, there is little that parents can do about it. So try and share the power with her in this decision. If she insists that her present school is best for her, negotiate a deal where she earns the right to choose by getting decent grades, staying drug-free, and so on.
Remember that your number one goal is to stay close to your kid's heart. Number two is to get her the best education possible. Don't win goal two at the cost of goal one. That's a bad trade.
Be well.

[divinem]

I read my post again and then read your post Dr. Mike. I realize I didn't provide enough information. My daughter is being abused mentally and emotionally by her teachers (3 of them, matter of fact). The first time I posted here, it was after I read your book, the symptoms were there to think she was entering this crazy phase of life (which she was/is to a point). I later found out she was being ganged up on by her teachers and being humiliated by them not to mention being called names that no adult should say to a child. I brought the local BOE in on this because the administrator would not do anything. It was documented well and the county BOE lawyer was present. Btw, these incidents continued 3 years and it took 3 years to prove and a lot of heartache along with it. Now we're in high school, the same behavior is in place only now we have educators calling children names like "crackhead" and so on and so forth (this is the tamest word I'll put on here, the other names are worse). We have had meetings and the nonsense won't stop. We have administrators telling the parents, "We will re-program your kids." I don't know what anyone else thinks but I think that word "re-program" is the wrong thing to say.

It's against the law to neglect/abuse our children. It's against the law to "Bully". ( I think this law is primarily for children anyway, it certainly doesn't apply to the teachers.) However, some teachers get by with this everyday, mainly because of the attitude that we as parents are only to take their side of whatever matter. Little Susie/Johnnie isn't telling you the truth and what I say goes. And btw, fighting an educator and BOE is like fighting a raging gorilla. Incidents are hard to prove and they certainly have more money to fight with. I have always tried and I have always told teachers that there is 2 sides to every story and right down the middle is the truth. And I can certainly say that although my daughter and I don't see eye to eye on everything, she doesn't lie.

Now by telling you this. Do you now understand why my decision is to remove her from this public school system? I can't afford nor will I put her through another 2 or 3 years of this mess and watch her being hurt by adults that have no business being around children in the first place. It would be like physically placing her in front of a speeding bus, telling her not to move, and hope it swerves in time. Would you or anyone else leave your child in the care of abusive people? I understand she will not like the decision of changing schools but my job is to protect her and like it or not, this is the best decision. I know this reply sounds angry, it's not directed at anyone personally. This is just a horrible situation.

Thanks.