when to let go

[KAREN]

Hi Dr Bradley,

In regard to my earlier post in April 2003. Things are much better and Megan and I have been going to the counselor since last September when everything got out of hand.

What I am wondering is whether you can comment on the following:

Megan is going to be 19 this month and she wants to book a hotel room for the night for her and her friends. It is initially for the girls only but I can guarantee you that is not the case.

This has been a tradition among the girls since they turned 18.
When Megan turned 18, I allowed the hotel room, with her and her friends having the knowledge that I had a key, no boys were allowed and I could show up at anytime. Let's say that was the only time no boys were present.

I have let Megan attend someone else's birthday under the same circumstances, (without my control)but it ended up that boys slept over.

Since my last message just to fill in the gap, Things turned around for us in March. I was still feeling sorry for her (due to the hassles with her father) so I was not standing my ground. What I started was a curfew and stopped driving her everywhere she went. What happened was she was not allowed to go out(because it was a school nite) she decided to take off and go anyway. I cancelled her ski trip and stuck to it. Since then she is home on time and is not skipping school so much and has cut down on smoking pot. (Ever since she realized that using visine to get the red out of her eyes I can still tell when she is stoned).

Now that things are better, she is still insisting that she is almost 19 and that she can do whatever she wants. Because I always say no, according to her, she says she should just not ask and do it anyway. The thing is that all of her girlfriends are allowed, I'm the only parent that gives a hard time.

Megan says she is not going to have sex and they are not going to have an orgy, but I told her that is not the issue. I told her that if she really wants to have sex or an orgy, there isn othing I can do about it and it is her business and she is the one who must live with the consequences of her actions. I just told her that I am not going to promote it.

Am I being ridiculous about not letting her sleep over because boys will for sure end up being there, or should I allow her to sleep over because she is 19. I do not trust her judgement especially when she is drinking. Why is it I am the only mother who doesn't approve.

I would appreciate your reply as I am running out of time, she will hound me from now till Friday to be able to sleep over. Do I stand my ground or let her do what she wants?

thanks

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I just came from a conference where the researchers were saying that full brain maturation probably doesn't occur until age 25, rather than the age 19 or 20 we previously thought.
So, yes, hold to your guns on this. Your daughter is correct in noting that you really can't stop her, but that is not the point here. You need to let her know that you think this is dangerous behavior, and that you cannot support it, even if ten-thousand angels from heaven appeared and said it was OK (let alone a bunch of other crazy parents). Do this lovingly but firmly. The point here is not to control her behavior (you can't) but to impact upon her thinking (you can). Be sure to emphasize the "whys" of your objections. She will remember these as she surveys whatever insanity will take place that night. You might lose this battle, but the idea is to eventually win the war.
Good luck!