School Ugh!

[prl49]

Dear Dr. Bradley,
My 17 year old son has decided in his last semester of Junior year to change his ways. Up till now he's had a semi responsible work ethic at school. He's a very bright kid with little drive. This being his Junior year and this being the last semester it will not bode well for him if there are suddenly 60's on his transcript. The reason for this is he's decided not to prepare for class and only do homework when he feels like it. I've talked to teachers, his guidance counselors, his psychologist, and of course to him. He's pledged to do better and be more responsible. I'm not supposed to ask him about school because he's in charge. He tell us (his Dad and I )that we have to trust him. So we have trusted his word once again. Well, I've talked to the guidance counselor and nothing has changed. No one understands why he's doing what he's doing. I'm thinking should we impose a strict structure on him?That means come home from school take a short break do homework and then relax. Also, he needs to tell us and show us what work he has and when it's done. I hate to go back to checking on homework with him like he's in Elementary school but I don't know what else to do. He gives us all lip service about how he knows how important school is and how he's doing okay. He's trying to deceive us but the saddest part is he's totally lying to himself. What can we do?
Thanks for any insight.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
The question I am asked more often than any other is, "How do I get my kid to work to his potential at school?" The question I ask more than any other is, "How do I get MY OWN son to work to his potential at school?"
In trying to answer this for both of us, initially we need to be sure that the grades fall off is not a symptom of some other problem (drug use, depression, and so on). Assuming this is not the case, and that your son sees school as does my own (that it's boring and irrelevant) here's the drill.
First, do what you did. Ask him what's up, and let him try to fix things himself. Next, sit back down with him and say, "OK, we tried that option and we're not where we need to be. What do we try next?" In other words, keep engaging him on the search for solutions, and gradually suggest increasingly unpleasant options. You might start by offering an incentive program where he gets "paid" certain amounts (of money, privileges) depending upon the results of a weekly report from school. The stick hidden in this carrot is that if he misses his goals, he is too broke to go to the movies with his gang. If the failures continue, then you might have to have him earn his distractions (games, computer time) with better grades.
Remember that your goal here is NOT to force him to get good grades. The goal here to to get him to force himself to do well. That means that as much as possible you avoid unilateral punishments, and instead build cooperative incentives to help him to learn the SELF discipline he needs here. That kind of higher, "for life" learning often involves repeated failures before the success arrives. So don't get too distraught by his failures. As parents of teenagers, we are in the failure business. We are here to help our kids learn powerful lessons from their failures to help them to become smarter about themselves.
Beyond all else, do not let grade worries become terrible wars where we lose our connections with our kids. The grades are a secondary concern. The priority is keeping close to the heart of your child, through the A's AND the F's.
Let us know how you make out.
Keep us posted.

[prl49]

Dear Dr. Bradley,
Thank you for your quick response. I also spoke with his psychologist. He said something similar. It's up to my son to get the job done. My son says he knows that. I printed out your response and will read it when I feel a fit of nagging coming on.
I will check with his teachers weekly and see what's happening.
Unfortunately, the bribe thing doesn't work with my son. He's a very independent thinker and would see right through that. I've tried. The earning priveledges scenario is next. How it doesn't come across as punitive we need to work on. Thank you again. I will keep you posted!

[jannie]

Dr. Bradley,

I realize this answer is over three years old, but I couldn’t have found it at a better time. I copied and pasted it onto a word document for me to keep and re-read.

Thank you