He's gone

[clintsmom]

I emancipated my 17 y.o. son and sent him out on his own. He got kicked out of drug rehab and is now back to seeing his dad who had disowned him 2 yrs ago. I told him that I would always love him and always be his mom, but that I was now letting him make his own decisions and be responsible for his own actions. I now wonder if I made the worst parenting mistake of my life. He is now working, but I think he is still drugging. I still have an 11 y.o. son at home. I don't want to make the same mistakes again!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Before you start whipping yourself, please hear me when I say that the answers to bringing peace to the Middle East are much easier to see than are the answers to whether or not you emancipate a drug using, 17-year-old boy. In other words, there are no quick, easy answers.
I've been thirty years in this business, and the longer I do this work, the more complicated it seems to get. The simple fact is that, as parents, we never get parenting "right". We just do the best we can, and hope that we get dealt good cards because so much of the game of raising kids is pure luck. Genetics, fate, environment- these things all conspire together to produce great kids who make lousy parents look like geniuses, and troubled kids who make great parents look (and feel) like idiots. One famous shrink once said, "To be born a parent is to be born a fool and a failure."
That said, I would get to an adolescent specialist to ask her/his advice after telling the full story. You might get some thoughts to help you with how to proceed with your son. Personally, I've seen good and bad results from the decision you made. Like I said, so much rides on the luck of the draw.
Regarding your 11-year-old, one definite thing I can tell you is
that kids who have a loving, respect-based (not fear-based) relationship with their parents tend to be safer and saner kids. Re-double your efforts to stay close to the heart of your younger son, since the "genetic gods" may have sent addict genes your way.
Finally, keep in mind that what is happening with your older son is only another phase. A scary and perhaps dangerous time, but one that will likely end. So keep telling him that you do love and miss him, but that you love him far too much to allow him to do drugs at home.
Good luck and keep us posted.

[clintsmom]

Thank you so much Dr. B. for taking the time to answer me. I will try hard to remember that this is a phase that will hopefully end soon and I will concentrate on my younger son. Again, thank you!!