Tangled Mess...

[pmistry]

Hi,

Well I am not exactly a teen, but this is probably the best forum for me to explain my situation.

I am 24 years old and my parents are far too overprotective. I recently just finished graduating university and am ready to move on, yet my parents are being overprotective. I have never had any freedom, I always stayed home during high school, and I lived at home too while at university as well.

I have friends, but I rarely got to hang out with them in high school, I babysat my brother and sister while I was in high school, my parents both worked the night shift at the time. I didn't mind then, because I felt that if I did this, then they would be kind to me when I could do things, I also just wanted to help them out. I had to babysit because there is an age gap in our family. I am 8 years older than my sister and 10 years older than my brother.

When my dad's shift finally changed to days, I was free, but high school was over, I was getting on to university. My mom and dad said it would be cheaper to live at home rather than move out. So I decided to do so, and went to a local university. As I went through university, I started to do a few more things, and I started to like it. Things like just going to movies, playing sports, etc. Now after my final year of university, I try to do lots of things during the weeks, but my parents get angry with me for going out too much. Even coming home at 11:30pm and being only gone from 7pm is bad....?

My parents also don't like me dating my girlfriend right now either, and ever since I told them about her a year ago, they have become EVEN more stricter, the problem is that my girlfriend is Caucasian and I am of Indian descent, but we were both born here in Canada. Now everything I do is wrong, my parents don't let me do anything anymore, they don't want to meet my g/f, even though I have tried time and time again to reasonably sit down and talk to them about.

They just say I can't trust them, that I am a stupid fool, and that I am disrespecting the family, and so on. My parents have always tried to stope me all my life by making me feel like I am doing something wrong or they always say things like. "Are you sure you can do it?" "Can you handle this?" I recently had a potential job offer from a city about 10 hours away from home, and my mom said "Are you sure you want to go up there?" "It is so difficult up there, it will be hard to manage."

I always feel like I can't do it, but in my heart I know I can if I can just move out, and I feel like I am at the point of leaving. My g/f has been very supportive and has stuck with me through this whole ordeal. She says she feels bad that my mom and dad are like this, but I just want to know, how do I overcome there overbearing?

[Linda]

Dear Tangled Mess: Hi. I don't presume to know the answer, but from what you've written it sounds like you are a very, if not too, considerate son who is ready, willing, and able to leave the nest. The only way to get rid of this burden of over-protectiveness from your parents is to assure them that you love and respect them, and that they have done a fine job of raising you, but now it is time for you to make your own way in the world. After all, that is the whole point in raising kids, so that they can move out and move forth into the world and live the life he/she was meant to. It sure sounds like you are going to do just fine out there. Your parents will probably not like it, but its your life you must live, not theirs. They prepared you, and now its time to take all that training and use it. Eventually your parents will come to accept this. After all, they left the home of their parents, didn't they? So now its time for their eldest son to live as an adult. Good luck, and be brave. Linda

[clintsmom]

You sound like a wonderful son! Please continue to let your parents know that you love them and are thankful to them for their sacrifices for you and their love and concern for you. Your separating from them is normal and nothing to be ashamed of - it is what they have been working for. It is hard for them too, but time tends to help us adjust when our children leave the nest. You will do fine in the world, you have obviously had a good upbringing and education and your letter shows that you are very compassionate. Keep your chin up, good luck and God bless!

[pmistry]

Thanks for all the responses, I am still apparently stuck at home. It kinda sucks because I miss my girlfriend and haven't seen her in a week or so, my parents really don't like this situation and I am frustrated with them for being like this.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Son",
I am so sorry that your parents may have overprotected you and made such huge demands upon you. It does indeed sound as if you have contributed more than your share to caring for your family through some rough times. Those gifts of caretaking that you gave to your brother and sister are wonderful treasures that will keep you close to your siblings forever.

It also sounds as if you might be blaming your parents for your lack of independence when the real problem might be inside of you. At 24, your folks really can't prevent you from doing what you want. You say that their words stop you from moving on with your life. But words are not prison bars unless you make them so. And needing the approval of others is one way to make words as powerful as walls. When it comes to making life decisions you must begin to trust your own voice over those of everyone else, including your folks. Listen carefully to everyone's advice, and then do what you feel is right for you.

Is it possible that you are using your parents disapproval as your excuse to not try to be independent? Moving out after being so dependent for so long must be a very scary thing to do. But beyond that, it sounds as if those doubting voices of your parents have taken up residence in your own head, with you now telling you that you can't make it on your own.

If you don't make a move soon, you might not ever leave your parents' home. So ask yourself two questions. The first is, "What exactly am I afraid of?" Your answers might be that your parents will be angry, or that you will fail on your first attempt to live on your own. Then ask, "These fears, even if they happen, are they horrors or frustrations?" Horrors are things like wars. Horrors are things to fear and avoid in any way posssible. Frustrations are things like disapproving parents or a failed attempt to live on our own. Frustrations are things that must never alter our life decisions at age 24 if we are to ever be free.

Please consider seeing a therapist to talk these things over. You sound like a wonderful young man who deserves support and confidence from his parents and from himself. You cannot demand that from your folks, but you can and you must demand that from yourself.

Best of luck, and please write to let us know how you are doing.

[pmistry]

Hi everyone, I thought I would just post an update on how things are with me. First my parents are still quite overbearing and WAY too overprotective, I however, like you have suggested, am listening to my own voice and following through my own decisions.

My parents and I fight alot these days, from stuff like finding jobs, to my girlfriend, which they now assume we have broken up, even though we aren't, and other things. I know I have done nothing wrong, and am simply waiting for an opportunity to move out, I just need to find employment. Coming out of university has strapped me in terms of being able to beocme independent, need a source of income.

I am continuing to look for work, things between my g/f and I are very good, depsite things with my parnets and her. They still haven't met, and I doubt they ever will.

Thanks for all the support.