12 year old daughter refuses therapy! What to do?

[Linda]

Just finished reading the book and now want to work it. Our 12 year old daughter has been a self-injurer (cutting herself) and was hospitalized for it, and for a suicide attempt 7 months ago. Since then, only two incidents of cutting has occured. She was put on Zoloft and assigned a weekly therapist. Elements of OCD were also diagnosed. She continued to pick at her skin and was hospitalized for infection just this month!! She has'nt picked in three weeks since coming home. We found out that she's been smoking pot weekly, and has been spitting out her Zoloft for the past month. She cut-out on therapy all month!!! My husband and I are seeing a therapist, by the way. I took her with me last night to our therapist, in lue of her not seeing her own and attempted to talk about getting her back into therapy with someone else. She walked out of the room. She told me that she's promised her friends not to smoke pot any more, which is somewhat good news if she keeps the promise. My big question is. . . how the heck do I get her into therapy. She is convinced she doesn't need it. She says that we (her parents) need it, and I agree with her wholeheartedly, but I can't get her to see that 7 months is not "a long time ago!" I'm scared. I wish I could believe that she's just fine now, but I know that isn't so!!!! I know that she's in pain and won't allow an adult to help her. I'm afraid of slipping into denial just to save having to go through the fight of getting her into therapy!! Any ideas? Suggestions? Thank you. Linda P.S. If I sound a bit disorganized its because my head is spinning!!!!!!! I really could use some help here. Its been quite a year.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Linda,
It sounds like your daughter is running from something, something that she can't duck in a shrink's office. These are also sometimes the behaviors of kids who are developing bipolar disease. The goal in these situations is to try to gently but firmly urge her to get treatment.

Here's three thoughts. The first is to bribe her. That's right, pay her to see someone. Many kids know that they need to see someone but they also need some excuse to get there. Thinking that they're "getting over" on Mom (by getting bribed) often works. Good adolescent therapists can often keep that ball rolling to engage the kid.

The second thought is to have an "adult-to-adult" conversation, and ask her to set up a series of goals that would support her contention that she needs no help. These might be staying drug-free, doing OK in school, and not mutilating herself. Failure to comply to these goals that SHE sets means that she agrees to get some help to help her with these goals.

If she refuses both, ask her what she is afraid of. She'll say "nothing", but you will frame the thought in her head that in fact she is ducking something. At that point back off and be patient. Don't nag but look for opportunities to gently remind her that help is there whenever she is ready to use it.

The final trick (after trying the first two) is to do nothing, but do that with love. Your daughter now knows that help is out there, that help "helps", and that she needs it. Let her live and think awhile, and hope that eventually she comes around. Stay close to her heart throughout this process, and never let getting therapy become a "war" between you.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Linda]

Dear Dr. Bradley: I just wrote you a long reply, but apparently I didn't log on correctly, so it disappeared. What I wanted to say is thank you. Thank you for giving me permission to NOT make going to therapy a battle royal. Frankly, I just don't have it in me to drag her kicking and screaming to therapy. I want her in therapy. I want the peace of mind of knowing that she's seeing someone whom she trusts and who is helping her find out what makes her tick, but what I want and what she wants is at odds at this moment in time.

My husband and I will definitly try your suggestions. He's always thought bribing her with money was the way to go, I didn't, but now I have no problem with it at all. If that doesn't work, we'll move to the next suggestion, and if that doesn't work, then we'll try the third.

One thing that my daughter said has me feeling very hopeful, and that is that she doesn't want to enter 8th grade with scars all over her!!!!! This was so fantastic to hear. Maybe, just maybe the cutting and picking has stopped. I won't hold my breath, but this is the first time she's really expressed not wanting her skin looking as it does!!! I'm bringing her to a demotologist to see what can be done to reduce the marks.

Since reading your book I have been able to walk away rather than scream when enraged by CRAZY stuff that she's done, been willing to hear her out on issues I don't agree with, devised a "household job price chart" so that she can control the amount of allowance she earns, helped her dye her hair pink (oh god), and tolerate her total snobbing of me in preferece to her father one day, then hugging me the next! Its not easy, but at least now I have some faith that we can make it through alive and in one piece. Thanks. Linda

[mackadi]

I just want you to know that I think you are an amazing woman and my heart is with you in all you are having to go through. My daughter is 18 and pregnant and this has been the hardest year of our lives also. As Dr. B says the hardest thing is staying calm amidst the storm but sounds like you are really doing it! Keep up the good work!