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amom
05-31-2004, 09:12 AM
Thank you for your book. I now have a question about a situation that is shocking me. My 13 year old 8th grade daughter recently told me, completely voluntarily, that she played a drinking game at a friend's house. She says she drank 2 beers and threw up. She says she hated it and wont drink again. I suspect she only told me a partial truth, but respect that she told me something I really would never have found out on my own.

I listened calmly, said clearly that I disapproved, but didn't give any consequence verbally, since I think that will close off this vital information flow. In my head, I started thinking about moving, not just forbidding all time with parents I don't trust 100%. She is already in counseling. I knew, from her, that her friends had started experimenting with drugs, and knew that their friendships were falling apart because my daughter wouldn't go along and even argued against it.

I am not sure how else to deal with this. Her father (divorced) is an alcoholic, and I come from a long line of alcoholics, but it skipped me. I have gone to Al-anon for many years, so I know the disease's power well and am scared to death. What should I do with the information she gave me?

Mike Bradley
06-07-2004, 09:31 AM
Dear Mom,
The thing to do is to use your instincts which have served you very well so far. You knew that piling on consequences would not have worked well, given that your daughter felt close enough to you to confide what happened. That closeness is the key to keeping our kids safe. Remember that consequences (or punishments) should only be used to help teach some lesson. If your heart tells you that your kid truly learned her lesson, why create unnecessary conflicts by loading on punishments?
If her drinking behavior continues, then it will be time to set up consequences in advance ("Honey, if you can't avoid these situations on your own, then I'll have to restrict your freedom for awhile until you get back in charge of yourself.")
Beyond all else be sure she gets educated about the genetic aspects of addiction which explain why drinking for her is like playing Russian roulette.
Good luck!