ODD Diagnosis

[millie]

Dr. Bradley,
We have received a definitive ODD diagnosis for our son who just turned 15, and of course now that we look back on things we can see the pattern developed early on -- we just thought he was a difficult child who did not like having others in charge of his life. Our adolescent psychologist also said our son is engaging in high-risk behaviors -- typical of the ODD kid.
Family counseling has been set out as one of the ways to help deal with this, and we will also need to engage our son in changing behaviors with positive reinforcement for good behaviors and no reaction for the bad ones (do I have this right?)

My problem is this. My husband has a bit of trouble accepting the family counseling thing and is so weary of it all that he just wants to basically tell him he's on his own -- that we will provide what the law says we should, and a bit more but that otherwise he can deal with the consequences of his actions on his own. I feel we need to help this kid now that we truly understand and know what is at the root of his behaviors. Incidentally, he has non-verbal learning disabilities, and my research shows these often go together.

Is it possible to have any success if only one parent is participating? I think my husband will "do the thing" at home with positive reinforcement and try it that way, but he can't seem to see his way into counselling sessions with our son. I feel as if we are at a real watershed moment in our family. Do you have any thoughts?
Mille

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Millie,
Please tell your husband that I fully understand his view here. I would likely feel exactly the same way. Also tell him that both of us would be dead wrong.
Getting an ODD kid through adolescence to adulthood requires a highly skilled, well-connected parent team. Those skills and connections come from those draining family sessions your husband hates. You and your husband must work hard at "being on the same page" with your son. There just is no other way to pull this off.
Hit your husband with the thought that I use on myself when I feel too tired to do the right thing with my own kids. I remember that in a few short years I'll be waving goodbye to my kid as he drives off to college, to the military, or whatever. Then I ask how will I feel then about what I'm about to do now?
Good luck Millie, and please keep us posted.

[MLL]

I understand, my husband also, though a very loving parent, is prone to just running out of steam. I loved what you said about "we'll provide what the law requires". In our house it's "food, clothes and a roof over your head, that's it !" One time I almost had to leave the room, since I was tempted to ask in front of our son "so that mean's you are returning his airline ticket for our vacation this summer?"

Interestingly, they both are the "quick to blow up and quick to forget it" types. This makes me crazy, an hour later they are discussing renting a movie. But my younger son 12yr and I take a lonnnggggg time to get over things.

But what I wanted to share is that he (and you)should know that "tag-you're-it" can really work. We've had many really stressful scenes this year with our 14yr old. ( we think he may be Bi-Polar). What has saved us (aside from this book) is that we've had times when one of us has been able to let the other one know " I'm in over my head, I need you to take over"

The first time was when EMS came to pick him up after an overdose of valium. In our house, I'm usually the rock. I was totally prepared to go, told my younger son he could stay or go with us, whatever he felt ok with. When my husband looked at me and said, "you stay here I've got this, I'm ok, you need to stay here"

I've never felt so guilty and grateful at the same time. How could I let my son go to the ER without me? What kind of mother was I?

In all honesty that night he was the better parent. Finding that out changed an awful lot for me and us and the kids. I'm pretty much a control freak, but I couldn't believe how much better I felt letting him handle it. I know my reaction to his strength that night made an inpact on him. Sometimes when it's the the normal, yuck not the crisis level, he falls back to being my oldest son. But now all know that when needed, he has all the strength he needs.

A week ago, he called my cell while I was at a PTA mtg, and said "you have to come home, I can't handle it". I quickly explained I was needed and was home in 10 min ( with 1 call on the way to make sure all was well). When I got there I tried to asses what was going on, told my husband that he did EXACTLY the right thing. It was my turn to rescue him. I ended up taking my son back to my office, for several hours, so he could help me or read, but just divide and conquer.

I think it sent a good msg to my kids also, that we are a team, and a call from a team member takes priority over all.

Maybe this will help your husband. Luckily when you have someone to share the load with. SHARE it..... I didn't do enough of that earlier. He can play "tag-you're-it" also.

This stuff is the hardest most complicated thing I've ever done. Every night I do my mental checklist. = Is is worth it ?
So far the answer has always been yes....
Good luck.