Linda
06-07-2004, 12:16 PM
Dear Dr. Bradley: I'm back. I'm the mom of the 12 year old who refuses therapy. We are entering new and scarier territory and I'm not sure what we should do.
On Friday my daughter had permission to go with her 14 year old girlfriend and the girls older brother into the city to see a movie. She checked in to us at 7:30 via phone to tell us that she and a bunch of friends were heading into the city (we live in Brooklyn). The older brother was not with them. I told her that she could not go into the city since the brother wasn't accompanying them. She said ok, and would then be at the girl's house. We had given permission for her to sleep over. I don't know the girlfriend too well, but did take some grad classes with the mother. I waited about 1/2 hour to give them time to get to the girls home and then called to see if they arrived. No answer. There was no answer till 12 midnight when I finally got hold of the girl's mother and found out a number of things:
1. There is no older brother in existence
2. The mother has no control over her daughter - the kid comes and goes as she pleases
3. This kid has a 19 year old boyfriend whom they are probably with, but not to worry because the guy is "very polite" and "always brings her home."
4. And no, she didn't know the 19 year old boyfriends name.
At 12:30 my daughter calls to say they are in the city about to go see a movie. I tell her she has to come home, she insists I'm in the wrong because she's with an adult. I told her to put the adult on the phone. I am now speaking with the 19 year old. I told him that he was with a 12 year old who did not have my permission to be in the city, nor with him, and that he was to get her home immediately. He kept telling me that she was perfectly safe with him and he would have her home as soon as possible. I asked what he meant by this, repeated my message about her being 12 and out without my permission, and he answered that he'd have her home in a few hours, because he was meeting friends of his at Union Square. (This is a very popular hang-out where everything can and does go on.) He would not tell me where exactly he was, so I told him that I was coming into the city to Union Square to pick up my daughter. He agreed and said he'd wait there once they arrived. I stayed really calm with this $#%@ person, and told him that her being 12 and out with him without my permission was completely inappropriate. He kept saying that he understood, and he'd be there. Well, he wasn't. My husband drove me in. We waited, walked around, searched. I sent my husband home to call back the mother to see if we could gather anymore information. I stayed till 2:30 am hoping in vain that she'd show. I finally gave up and made my way home on the subway. At around 3:30 my daughter calls. She says they are heading home to the girlfriends house. I told her to get into a cab immediately and come home. Happily, she did. (I should have had her grab a cab when she called at 12, but I didn't think) When she arrived we simply sent her to bed. She asked ,over the phone, how long she was going to be grounded for. I told her to just come home. I wasn't going to discuss punishments at that point.
The next day my husband and I stayed calm and didn't discuss punishments. We remained silent on the issue. Partly because we weren't sure what the heck we were going to do! In the mean while I recieved a call from a father of a 13 year old boy who was with them the night before. This father was calling because his son never came home!! I told him everything I knew about the situation. It was so good to talk to another parent! He decided to call in the police at this point, so that he could locate his son.
On Sunday we told our daughter that she couldn't have her computer back until we decided when, and that she was grounded, and that from this point on she was to have her friends over to our apartment when one or both of us were home. (We know that these kids have been smoking pot and cigerettes. My husband and I have been clean and sober for years by the way so there is no alcohol or drugs around). This news brought out a violent reaction from our daughter. She literally trashed the house. My husband and I ignored her while she rampaged. Mostly it was books and objects that went flying, but she did trash a lamp and ruin a wall. At one point my husband had to hold me as I sobbed over the lamp. He kept telling me that the lamp can be replaced, but our daughter cannot be. Eventually she stopped. Things calmed down enough so that we all cleaned up, and she apologized to me about the mess and destruction. Later, however, she again insisted on getting her computer back and seeing her friends. We said no, she was grounded for now. She then cried. She hadn't up till then. My husband was losing it, and went to bed. I stayed with her and let her cry and rage. She calmed down and I then offered her water and asked if I could sit next to her. She allowed me to give her water and sit next to her. We watched the Grammy awards together, wished each other good night and went to bed.
Today she is to go to a friends house after school. I made arrangements with the mother. This friend is a kid who still thinks drugs are evil, and has been talking to my daughter about how screwed up it is for her to be smoking pot. He really cares about her. I'm at work, and can only hope she doesn't blow him off and run to the other group. I am also afraid she's going to run away. I told her that her friends are welcome at our home, and that she will get back her computer, but not right now. Dr. Bradley, are we doing this the right way or what???????????????????????? I am very proud that we didn't freak out on her with yelling and screaming, which for me is a miracle. I was raised to scream. But I'm real scared here. And its not like I can just run with her to a therapist!!!! That's a whole issue onto itself. My husband, by the way was just diagnoised as being bi-polar - the lesser form of it. I can't tell if my kid is bi-polar too or just being a unhappy kid. What do you make of this? Thank you again. Linda
On Friday my daughter had permission to go with her 14 year old girlfriend and the girls older brother into the city to see a movie. She checked in to us at 7:30 via phone to tell us that she and a bunch of friends were heading into the city (we live in Brooklyn). The older brother was not with them. I told her that she could not go into the city since the brother wasn't accompanying them. She said ok, and would then be at the girl's house. We had given permission for her to sleep over. I don't know the girlfriend too well, but did take some grad classes with the mother. I waited about 1/2 hour to give them time to get to the girls home and then called to see if they arrived. No answer. There was no answer till 12 midnight when I finally got hold of the girl's mother and found out a number of things:
1. There is no older brother in existence
2. The mother has no control over her daughter - the kid comes and goes as she pleases
3. This kid has a 19 year old boyfriend whom they are probably with, but not to worry because the guy is "very polite" and "always brings her home."
4. And no, she didn't know the 19 year old boyfriends name.
At 12:30 my daughter calls to say they are in the city about to go see a movie. I tell her she has to come home, she insists I'm in the wrong because she's with an adult. I told her to put the adult on the phone. I am now speaking with the 19 year old. I told him that he was with a 12 year old who did not have my permission to be in the city, nor with him, and that he was to get her home immediately. He kept telling me that she was perfectly safe with him and he would have her home as soon as possible. I asked what he meant by this, repeated my message about her being 12 and out without my permission, and he answered that he'd have her home in a few hours, because he was meeting friends of his at Union Square. (This is a very popular hang-out where everything can and does go on.) He would not tell me where exactly he was, so I told him that I was coming into the city to Union Square to pick up my daughter. He agreed and said he'd wait there once they arrived. I stayed really calm with this $#%@ person, and told him that her being 12 and out with him without my permission was completely inappropriate. He kept saying that he understood, and he'd be there. Well, he wasn't. My husband drove me in. We waited, walked around, searched. I sent my husband home to call back the mother to see if we could gather anymore information. I stayed till 2:30 am hoping in vain that she'd show. I finally gave up and made my way home on the subway. At around 3:30 my daughter calls. She says they are heading home to the girlfriends house. I told her to get into a cab immediately and come home. Happily, she did. (I should have had her grab a cab when she called at 12, but I didn't think) When she arrived we simply sent her to bed. She asked ,over the phone, how long she was going to be grounded for. I told her to just come home. I wasn't going to discuss punishments at that point.
The next day my husband and I stayed calm and didn't discuss punishments. We remained silent on the issue. Partly because we weren't sure what the heck we were going to do! In the mean while I recieved a call from a father of a 13 year old boy who was with them the night before. This father was calling because his son never came home!! I told him everything I knew about the situation. It was so good to talk to another parent! He decided to call in the police at this point, so that he could locate his son.
On Sunday we told our daughter that she couldn't have her computer back until we decided when, and that she was grounded, and that from this point on she was to have her friends over to our apartment when one or both of us were home. (We know that these kids have been smoking pot and cigerettes. My husband and I have been clean and sober for years by the way so there is no alcohol or drugs around). This news brought out a violent reaction from our daughter. She literally trashed the house. My husband and I ignored her while she rampaged. Mostly it was books and objects that went flying, but she did trash a lamp and ruin a wall. At one point my husband had to hold me as I sobbed over the lamp. He kept telling me that the lamp can be replaced, but our daughter cannot be. Eventually she stopped. Things calmed down enough so that we all cleaned up, and she apologized to me about the mess and destruction. Later, however, she again insisted on getting her computer back and seeing her friends. We said no, she was grounded for now. She then cried. She hadn't up till then. My husband was losing it, and went to bed. I stayed with her and let her cry and rage. She calmed down and I then offered her water and asked if I could sit next to her. She allowed me to give her water and sit next to her. We watched the Grammy awards together, wished each other good night and went to bed.
Today she is to go to a friends house after school. I made arrangements with the mother. This friend is a kid who still thinks drugs are evil, and has been talking to my daughter about how screwed up it is for her to be smoking pot. He really cares about her. I'm at work, and can only hope she doesn't blow him off and run to the other group. I am also afraid she's going to run away. I told her that her friends are welcome at our home, and that she will get back her computer, but not right now. Dr. Bradley, are we doing this the right way or what???????????????????????? I am very proud that we didn't freak out on her with yelling and screaming, which for me is a miracle. I was raised to scream. But I'm real scared here. And its not like I can just run with her to a therapist!!!! That's a whole issue onto itself. My husband, by the way was just diagnoised as being bi-polar - the lesser form of it. I can't tell if my kid is bi-polar too or just being a unhappy kid. What do you make of this? Thank you again. Linda