Nanashi
06-15-2004, 07:26 PM
hello,
My daughter was a very sweet little girl who wrote me countless "I love you mommy" note until junior high.
Then things changed. She treats home like a hotel, she started coming home past 2am all the time. She never talk to me except for a monthly reminder to get lunch money. My husband and I both work long hours, we usually don't get home until past 11, so making lunch and dinner for my children was not an option.
Then one day, when she was 15, she suddenly swallowed three bottles of pain killers with beer in school. I got a call from her teacher and I carried her to the hospital.
A psychiatrist came to see her after she recovered. She seemed happy! The psychiatrist determined she was okay, it was probably just school stress (competitions, trainings, exams), and she was released from the hospital.
But in the next 6 months, she repeated the drug overdose 3 more times.
And she refuses to see the psychiatrist, when I tried to drag her to the hospital, she shoved me, and I said to her, "How can you shove your mother?"
And she screamed to me in rage, "you can beat me with a cane all the time when I was little, and now you act oh so hurt that I give you a little push, huh?"
Finally, I asked her what did she want, she wanted to get out of this country. I send her to study aboard in a foreign country, the tuition and living expense is a huge straint for the family, but I did it for her anyway. I bend backwards to do things for her, my husband and I are barely making end meets, we moved to live in a down right inhumane, hazardous housing situation, just to save money for her to spend in Canada. But she continues to act with disrespect and sometimes even raw hatre towards me.
Is this just a normal teenager rage? Or is this something else?
I know caning children is generally frowned upon todays, especially in the west. But in my culture (Asia), in her generation, caning was not at all uncommon. I have a son who is in his early 20s now, he is three years older than his sister, and he seems okay. We caned both of our children, though we probably caned our daughter more. She made it to elite school, in math olimpic teams, etc. We know she has potential if she works hard, and we tried to help her stay focused. We don't want her to turn to our son's path -- dropped out of highschool, started smoking, play computer games constantly, and only work sporatically. But at least he is respectful to us.
I was beaten with boots and knuckles by an alcoholic father throughout my childhood and early adulthood, I was never resentful to my dad like my daughter is to me now. Both of my siblings use caning at home, and their children seem to be the ideal pious Chinese children. I don't understand, why can'T my daughter get over it?
Was it a mistake to sent her to a western country to study? Is this just a result of different culture believes regarding how children should be raised?
I am visiting her currently, and I saw in her journal, hateful messages like "I hate you mom, I want you to die slowly and die now." She mentioned nightmares from "beatings" - the disciplinary caning that I used when she acted out of line, or when she did poorly in school.
She also seems resentful to her father. When our dog accidentally killed a newborn kitten by stepping on it, my daughter was so angry, she started whipping the dog with the cane. My husband stopped her, and in her journal, she wrote, "dad, you loved the dog more than you loved me. You saved the dog, but for 16 years, you never saved me."
I think it's beyond the point to discuss whether corporal punishment is valid way of raising children. I was raised that way and it did me no harm, I certainly didn't cane my daughter out of resentment. But she seems really resentful of me.
Today, when she did laundry, I tried to help, and she yelled at me and told me to get out of her face.
Will this just pass? IS this a normal teenage rage? Is there anything else I can do?
My daughter was a very sweet little girl who wrote me countless "I love you mommy" note until junior high.
Then things changed. She treats home like a hotel, she started coming home past 2am all the time. She never talk to me except for a monthly reminder to get lunch money. My husband and I both work long hours, we usually don't get home until past 11, so making lunch and dinner for my children was not an option.
Then one day, when she was 15, she suddenly swallowed three bottles of pain killers with beer in school. I got a call from her teacher and I carried her to the hospital.
A psychiatrist came to see her after she recovered. She seemed happy! The psychiatrist determined she was okay, it was probably just school stress (competitions, trainings, exams), and she was released from the hospital.
But in the next 6 months, she repeated the drug overdose 3 more times.
And she refuses to see the psychiatrist, when I tried to drag her to the hospital, she shoved me, and I said to her, "How can you shove your mother?"
And she screamed to me in rage, "you can beat me with a cane all the time when I was little, and now you act oh so hurt that I give you a little push, huh?"
Finally, I asked her what did she want, she wanted to get out of this country. I send her to study aboard in a foreign country, the tuition and living expense is a huge straint for the family, but I did it for her anyway. I bend backwards to do things for her, my husband and I are barely making end meets, we moved to live in a down right inhumane, hazardous housing situation, just to save money for her to spend in Canada. But she continues to act with disrespect and sometimes even raw hatre towards me.
Is this just a normal teenager rage? Or is this something else?
I know caning children is generally frowned upon todays, especially in the west. But in my culture (Asia), in her generation, caning was not at all uncommon. I have a son who is in his early 20s now, he is three years older than his sister, and he seems okay. We caned both of our children, though we probably caned our daughter more. She made it to elite school, in math olimpic teams, etc. We know she has potential if she works hard, and we tried to help her stay focused. We don't want her to turn to our son's path -- dropped out of highschool, started smoking, play computer games constantly, and only work sporatically. But at least he is respectful to us.
I was beaten with boots and knuckles by an alcoholic father throughout my childhood and early adulthood, I was never resentful to my dad like my daughter is to me now. Both of my siblings use caning at home, and their children seem to be the ideal pious Chinese children. I don't understand, why can'T my daughter get over it?
Was it a mistake to sent her to a western country to study? Is this just a result of different culture believes regarding how children should be raised?
I am visiting her currently, and I saw in her journal, hateful messages like "I hate you mom, I want you to die slowly and die now." She mentioned nightmares from "beatings" - the disciplinary caning that I used when she acted out of line, or when she did poorly in school.
She also seems resentful to her father. When our dog accidentally killed a newborn kitten by stepping on it, my daughter was so angry, she started whipping the dog with the cane. My husband stopped her, and in her journal, she wrote, "dad, you loved the dog more than you loved me. You saved the dog, but for 16 years, you never saved me."
I think it's beyond the point to discuss whether corporal punishment is valid way of raising children. I was raised that way and it did me no harm, I certainly didn't cane my daughter out of resentment. But she seems really resentful of me.
Today, when she did laundry, I tried to help, and she yelled at me and told me to get out of her face.
Will this just pass? IS this a normal teenage rage? Is there anything else I can do?