Update on my 12 year old

[Linda]

I’m back to report an update. I definitely spoke to my daughter about her father being diagnosed with bipolar. At first she found this very interesting, but then became extremely defensive at the idea that this was something that she could inherit. I backed off once I saw that she was upset.

We released her from her grounding on a Friday. She chose that day to cut school at lunch time and go into the city with a 8th grade girl, who as it happens, is friends with the other 8th grader she had been in the city with the week before. She was back to being grounded. Not only that, but the school has put her on school lunch – she can’t leave the building any more.

I trailed her at school all day Monday and ended up meeting this 8th grader. I told this child, with my daughter present, that I loved my daughter and was going to protect her and fight for her tooth and nail. I told her that the choices that my daughter was making were very dangerous and that even though she hates me right now, it was my job to love and protect her.

That girl ran away from home that very evening.

My husband and I have been very active this week contacting all of my daughter’s friend’s parents. Wow, you would believe the reaction. Everyone is so grateful to talk!!!!! Everyone is going through hell with their kids either cutting school, not adhering to curfews, smoking pot, and basically not knowing who their kid’s friends are. We are finding that we are all in the same boat, and it’s so good to reach out to each other. No one knows what to do exactly, except try to break through our kids’ “code of secrets”.

We have remained very loving with our daughter while she’s been grounded and off the computer. Its been hard, but funny enough, she’s becoming more receptive and loving toward us.

Unfortunately, the girl who ran away is still missing. Our daughter gave us all the information she had about her whereabouts. I didn’t force it out of her, but just tried to reason with her that her friend needed help and needed to be safe.

Even though my daughter still refuses therapy, I’ve made an appointment to see someone who may be a potential therapist for her. I still don’t want to turn this into war, but I know in my heart she needs help. The school is also going to be working with us. They have a clinic right there with a social worker who sees students during the school day. Next year my daughter will be signed up.

We have also been telling all these other parents about your book. They have all written down the title!!!

Right now we are just trying to get through the last week of school without another crisis. We will again release her from being grounded, this time on a Monday, and do that trust thing. We have changed her curfew though so that she has to be home earlier. We told her at dinner last night (the first pleasant wonderful family dinner in ages) that as trust grows between all three of us, she can gain more and more independence, but not till then.

She has witnessed us on the phone speaking with all these parents and I think its making an impression on her. We are being gentle with her, but telling her in no uncertain terms that its her well being we are looking out for. I’m getting the feeling that she’s coming to believe we love her and we mean business. Let’s hope I’m right. Linda

[MLL]

I read your posts with such a lump in my throat. We have 2 sons (12 and 14) The 14 yr old has been having problems for a little over 2 yrs. It started w/ depression, which we didn't realize was more than teen-attitude. Then prgressed to cutting. Luckily we had a good councelor, who helped us realize he needed to be hospitalized. It was only for a short while, and the cutting hasn't been an issue, but we are now dealing with the fact that he may be Bi-Polar.

At a certain point it all seemed so "unreal" where was the page in the baby book, for "first trip to the Emergency Room", First time you found yourself hiding the kitchen knives...... You are not alone!!!

I especially applaud your efforts to communicate with the other parents in your daughter's circle... My son took a handful of Valium at a party, then (luckily) called home. I think so I would hear his voice and realize... But later that evening I called and told the mother ( yes we checked there was parental supervision) " I don't care WHO, I care WHAT" he needs to go to the hospital. I heard her asking other kids.... of course no one knew.

But the msg to everyone thre was "his mom isn't going to pretend it isn't happening". The mom called the next day to check, and explained she feels so lucky, they haven't had to worry about drugs with their kids. I know from my son how VERY untrue that is.

I explained to him, I would never try and tell her something she didn't want to hear, but he had a mom, who would ALWAYS, ask, check, watch and basically be a real pain until he's old enough to have the wonderful life that I think is in store for him.

I find the same thing you did, many parents really want the chance to talk but just don't know how. I guess because we've had some very very scary times, following up on where are you going, etc just doesn't phase me any more.

I told him "he is responsible for anything that goes into his system" I try not to judge other's parenting ( I'm barely holding on) But I explained that he is not allowed back at that house. His friend is welcome in our house (and our rules) But he crossed the line there, and the same will happen any other place he crosses the line. I also don't blame the parents, would I be able to notice someone slipping a handful of pills ? Probably not. So parental supervision, though still required, to me now has more to do with setting a tone.

Every time I insist on speaking to a parent before he sleeps over, I almost always hear, " Oh yes I always check too, and my kids make me feel like I'm an idot for it." I make sure my son knows that.

The best was when he was interested in a girl, from a nearby town. He told me her parents were very strict. He is very charming and polite (to other parents) but at the time had a 5 inch green mohawk. (our rule no piercings, no tattos, have as much fun with your hair and clothes as you want !!! )

I laughed, and said, "with your look, boy are you going to be happy when they realize how strick, and protective we are...."
Good Luck

[Linda]

Dear MLL: It was great to hear from you. Thank you. We too are wondering if bipolar is/could be a factor in all this. I think we are in a wait and see mode right now. Its been a quiet fews days - no crisis, no surprises thus far, and our daughter seems to be actually trying to be nice and cooperative. She's adhereing to a new and earlier curfew for after school, and has even done housework to earn her allowance. She's been smiling and talking to us like human beings, and has even asked me to clean her room!!!! (the room is a bit overwhelming). Part of me doesn't trust all this, but another part is just so grateful for a break.

We received a phone call yesterday from one of the parents we had contacted. He and his wife are organizing a Bar-B-Q for all of the parents that have been getting in touch with each other. Its really something when you think about it. Just two weeks ago none of us knew each other, or even knew who our kids' friends were, and now we will be meeting face to face at a Bar-B-Q. This is a really good thing. Also, many of these parents are now reading Dr. Bradley's book! And, they like it!

Thank you for your reply. I don't know what's going to happen next, but its really good to know that other parents have and are going through similiar situations. We really do need each other.
Take care. Linda

[MLL]

Hi Linda, yep I know what you mean. Those moments when it just seems possible that things are ok. I've learned that there will be an end to that moment, but by the same token there will also be an end to the yuck ones too.

I consider every pleasant conversation "money in the bank"

I'm getting good at saying things like " for right now, just at this moment, we are all ok"

I also have had a number of times where in a real crisis, we've been able ( with a huge huge effort ) pull back from the edge, and using whatever means possible, find common ground to decompress. In my house it's watching a rented video. Usually one or 2 are reluctant. But if I can get at least one other to join in with me, the others usually follow.

Whenever that happens, I have pointed out that, at times like that there aren't any issues, that can't wait till the next day to discuss. That to be able to sit together, not having to agree on things, but to be able to call a halt to the hostilities is the most important thing.

But of course that works only if you don't mind feeling like a dishrag, that was runover by a truck, after everyone finally goes to bed :) Ain't this fun ?

Have fun at the BBQ, tell everyone when parents are on the same page, they feel stronger, when parents feel stronger, kids notice, and they feel safer.

I was informed by a staff member at school today, that my refusal to let my son go back to the house where he took the Valium. Was something I should NEVER go back on. ( This was unsolicited as I didn't want to put her on the spot. So following our instincts may not be such a bad idea)

Take care