elsie
06-19-2004, 05:36 AM
Thank you for being here, Dr. Bradley and forum members!
Dear Dr. Bradley:
K. is an active, attractive, intelligent, well-traveled 16-year-old young woman. Last summer, she traveled to DC and learned the Metro while I was at a conference, she went to Outward Bound, a Christian camp, and a Catholic retreat in which she was “slain in the spirit.” On a sunny Sunday afternoon during K’s one free week, my husband and I decided to take a walk. When we returned, K was gone and her younger sister said she’d been gone for about 3 hours. She returned without comment some hour or so later, although she began IM-ing like mad. When I asked, “K, what’s up? She only said “it’s important.” Four days later, we learned she had been raped. Her behavior toward us was one of anger: in my first opportunity to talk with her when I learned the news, after I said, “K, I’m so sorry,” she looked at me angrily and pushed me away without saying a word.
What ensued can only be described as projective identification. She thought we’d be angry with her (which we weren’t at first. We were crushed for her loss and terrified about HIV infection), but her anger eventually provoked us to anger, and then her belief became a self-fulfilling prophecy (that we’d be angry with her).
Since, then, we have had no communication. Out of 3 counselors I located, K. interviewed and then chose her favorite and attended for about four months, but she never opened up to the counselor and eventually dropped out. (We and the counselor suspect it was because the counselor spoke with us and thus lost K’s confidence, even though the counselor did not tell us what K was telling her.)
During this time, K wanted to take driver’s ed, so we decided to use this desire as a bargaining tool (big mistake?): she could begin driver’s ed as soon as we discussed the rape with her (we wanted to tell her we are with her, give her a chance to talk to us, share feelings, find out about and talk to the boy who did this to her). I thought this could be a “negotiation.” No way. She refused the discussion, so we passed on driver’s ed. Then she shut down completely, to the point of refusing to utter a single word to us. She gave us the silent treatment for several days, including Christmas. Her grades plummeted. The counselor recommended that we reinstate driver’s ed, regardless of not succeeding in talking with K. We did this, and K. became slightly human again and grades rallied at the end of the year.
Now, in addition to not talking, she has taken to long disappearances without telling us whom she is with or where she is, despite our telling her we love her, we’re worried, we need to know where she is. (This has happened 3 times, the first time from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.) Per your suggestion, we warmly received her after the first disappearance. We also figured she left because we are planning on living for two months at a coastal town, 1 ½ hours away. (Her friends are invited down, but she’s still unhappy about it.) Also, since her disappearances, which we deem as irresponsible because she won’t tell us where/whom, I have declined her requests to drive, saying, “not this time, K.” However, my husband did take her for a drive yesterday. Yesterday on her message board she wrote, “not this time, K” and disappeared for another 8 hours.
Communication is nil. We cannot even write to her. She no longer opens notes (the last one suggesting counseling again, this time without any involvement from us). When home, K. stays in her room or avoids us at every turn. (She does eat with us at dinner, during which we talk about weather, politics, and other dumb stuff.) When we ask what can we change so she doesn’t see running away as a solution, she says things will never change.
We are trying to find another counselor, but you seem like the best, Dr. Bradley. DO you make house calls?!! The ideas in your book, however, don’t address this. We know “time and a half” won’t work for this “weekend warrior” type, and, obviously, she doesn’t trust that we are capable of trying to negotiate.
I have a personal counselor who says that K’s feelings are in “deep freeze.”
We are heartbroken and scared. I feel I can do nothing right.
Elsie
P.S. K’s older stepbrother (in his 30s) died two and a half years ago, too.
Dear Dr. Bradley:
K. is an active, attractive, intelligent, well-traveled 16-year-old young woman. Last summer, she traveled to DC and learned the Metro while I was at a conference, she went to Outward Bound, a Christian camp, and a Catholic retreat in which she was “slain in the spirit.” On a sunny Sunday afternoon during K’s one free week, my husband and I decided to take a walk. When we returned, K was gone and her younger sister said she’d been gone for about 3 hours. She returned without comment some hour or so later, although she began IM-ing like mad. When I asked, “K, what’s up? She only said “it’s important.” Four days later, we learned she had been raped. Her behavior toward us was one of anger: in my first opportunity to talk with her when I learned the news, after I said, “K, I’m so sorry,” she looked at me angrily and pushed me away without saying a word.
What ensued can only be described as projective identification. She thought we’d be angry with her (which we weren’t at first. We were crushed for her loss and terrified about HIV infection), but her anger eventually provoked us to anger, and then her belief became a self-fulfilling prophecy (that we’d be angry with her).
Since, then, we have had no communication. Out of 3 counselors I located, K. interviewed and then chose her favorite and attended for about four months, but she never opened up to the counselor and eventually dropped out. (We and the counselor suspect it was because the counselor spoke with us and thus lost K’s confidence, even though the counselor did not tell us what K was telling her.)
During this time, K wanted to take driver’s ed, so we decided to use this desire as a bargaining tool (big mistake?): she could begin driver’s ed as soon as we discussed the rape with her (we wanted to tell her we are with her, give her a chance to talk to us, share feelings, find out about and talk to the boy who did this to her). I thought this could be a “negotiation.” No way. She refused the discussion, so we passed on driver’s ed. Then she shut down completely, to the point of refusing to utter a single word to us. She gave us the silent treatment for several days, including Christmas. Her grades plummeted. The counselor recommended that we reinstate driver’s ed, regardless of not succeeding in talking with K. We did this, and K. became slightly human again and grades rallied at the end of the year.
Now, in addition to not talking, she has taken to long disappearances without telling us whom she is with or where she is, despite our telling her we love her, we’re worried, we need to know where she is. (This has happened 3 times, the first time from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.) Per your suggestion, we warmly received her after the first disappearance. We also figured she left because we are planning on living for two months at a coastal town, 1 ½ hours away. (Her friends are invited down, but she’s still unhappy about it.) Also, since her disappearances, which we deem as irresponsible because she won’t tell us where/whom, I have declined her requests to drive, saying, “not this time, K.” However, my husband did take her for a drive yesterday. Yesterday on her message board she wrote, “not this time, K” and disappeared for another 8 hours.
Communication is nil. We cannot even write to her. She no longer opens notes (the last one suggesting counseling again, this time without any involvement from us). When home, K. stays in her room or avoids us at every turn. (She does eat with us at dinner, during which we talk about weather, politics, and other dumb stuff.) When we ask what can we change so she doesn’t see running away as a solution, she says things will never change.
We are trying to find another counselor, but you seem like the best, Dr. Bradley. DO you make house calls?!! The ideas in your book, however, don’t address this. We know “time and a half” won’t work for this “weekend warrior” type, and, obviously, she doesn’t trust that we are capable of trying to negotiate.
I have a personal counselor who says that K’s feelings are in “deep freeze.”
We are heartbroken and scared. I feel I can do nothing right.
Elsie
P.S. K’s older stepbrother (in his 30s) died two and a half years ago, too.