stealing

[Pat Gilbert]

Dear Doctor Bradley, this is my first time here and I am in the process of reading your book about my crazy teen. My counselor recommended it to me to read. I have 3 teens and my first 2, a boy age 19 and a girl age 16 are adopted. My third, age 15 is natural born. My oldest are the 2 that are giving me a run for my money. My biggest problem is that my son is stealing from us, not just money, but he took our digital camera, (shich I found in his closet 6 weeks after discovering it gone) and now my PDA which I discovered my computer cords for it in his room. Everything he has taken he denies taking, yet we find them in his posession eventually. I am afraid to leave anything out or even leave my house at times. Please help me if you have any advice. Most sincerely, Pat

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Pat,
Teen stealing can occur for simple or complex reasons. The most common cause is to get money for drugs. Other more involved causes include things like power and control struggles with parents, attempts to draw attention to some hidden problem, or a way of self-medicating depression (fom the "rush" of getting away with a crime). Theft can also be a symptom of a mania or a bipolar disorder.
Work with your counselor to try and sort out what's happening. In the interim try dispassionately confronting your son, letting him know that you know he is stealing, and that you are concerned, not mad. Ask him if he has some idea of why he does this. If he continues to deny the acts, tell him that although he can take a lot away from you, the one thing that he can never take away is your love for him. If he'll allow, give him a hug and tell him that you are very worried for him, and that he if wants to chat later, that you are always available.
As hard as this seems, try viewing his behavior as a symptom, not as a character flaw. Using anger will only distract you both from whatever real issues are going on.
Good luck and please let us know how this turns out.