sibling conflict

[snyderma]

My husband and I recently finished your book and are using your techniques with our kids 16(M), 14(F) and 9(F). We realize it will take a lot of practice but wondered if you have any suggestions for sibling conflict. Our 16 year old son is verbally abusive and sometimes physical with his sisters, especially the 14 year old. We are making some progress with the calm approach but feel we need to make it very clear that this behavior is not healthy or appropriate. How do we do that without "punishing" him? Our son does well at school, keeps his curfew, and shows no signs of drug or alcohol use. MJS

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Before we chat about what you can do, here are a couple of things you should know about sibling conflicts.
First, when we study these scenarios we often find that the "victims" get their fair share of shots in. Frequently, the older sibs just seem to get caught in the act of retaliation a lot more. So the aggression that gets observed by the parents is really "***-for-tat."
Second, many experts believe sibling conflict to be a normal and perhaps even healthy aspect of child development, helping kids learn all sorts of conflict resolution skills (my son would say, "Oh, sure. We learn things like ambushes, set-ups, and left hooks.")
However, if you think that your son's actions are over the edge, and/or that the level of conflict is excessive, try these ideas.
First, take you son out for a latte and dispassionately ask, "What's up?" He might need more apart time from the sibs, or he might be being pummeled at his own school and taking it out on his sister. Or he might just be bored and using the fights as entertainment (option number three occurs most frequently).
If that doesn't help, tell ALL of the kids that you guys (parents) will actually pay them to get along. Every AM and PM that they peacefully coexist earns them some amount of cash. They'll think this is hysterically funny, at least until Friday night rolls around and they find that they can't go to the movies because they decided that they liked the fights that much. Make this a challenge to the kids as a unit. In other words it matters not to you who hit whom first, only that there was or was not a peaceful day. This puts the problem on their shoulders to work out as a group. As you've noticed, whenever you intervene in trying to sort out the guilty party in a sibling fight, you end up lost in a swamp. So tell the kids that since you are never there to see who did what to whom, they must all succeed or fail together.
Should that fail, it's time to get the family to a counselor to see what's going on.
In the meantime try the trick that we shrinks use in our own families. We soundproof the kids' room and close the door. Short of broken bones or needs for stitches, we try and not hear a lot.
Good luck and keep us posted.